Parents will know there are few things more mortifying than your child throwing a tantrum in public.
The kicking, the screaming, the crying, the judgey looks from others and the feeling of anger, frustration, embarrassment and even hopelessness.
Sydney-based parenting coach Dina Cooper remembers the feeling well, especially the sense of judgement from other parents.
“It’s happened to me plenty of times. Your standing there and you’re going ‘oh my god, you’re embarrassing me, everyone’s now looking, I can’t believe you’re doing this again’ – you’ve got this dialogue running in your head,” Cooper, the founder of parent coaching service Hoogi says.
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Cooper tells Mamamia that before undertaking personal development program Fingerprint for Success she could only ever focus on how her child’s behaviour made her look to others. Now, she has an approach to dealing with her children’s tantrums that she says is much better for everyone.
In this instance, she says parents should first recognise the internal dialogue running through their head, and ask themselves, “how much do I as the parent pay attention to and put the authority outside myself?”
“When we can manage what’s going on for ourselves it absolutely transforms the way the child responds. They get over the tantrum quicker, because you’re regulating your emotions, they’re regulating their emotions, they calm down quicker – and they’re actually likely to tantrum less often,” Cooper said.
Cooper suggests keeping in mind that little kids haven’t got the skills yet to properly deal with their emotions, so they come out the only way they know how – a tantrum.
Of course, you still want this tantrum over as quickly as possible, but Cooper explains that by calming down, your child picks up on this and will be quicker to calm down themselves.
"So there are two parts to a child's tantrum. There's the part that comes from the immaturity in their emotional regulation. And the other part is [that] the tantrum can extend or not, depending on how the parent's reacting," she said.
"The part that you can control is your reaction, the part you can't control is just a normal developmental milestone for the child."
After calming down herself, Cooper says she will compassionately talk to her child, which is important because children want to know that they're being heard.
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"You might say something like, 'I can see you're really frustrated right now. Can I give you a hug?' for example. You just get down to their level and just let them cry it out and let them know you're there for them."
"There are three things that a child wants, they want to be heard, they want to be loved no matter what and they want to know that they matter, that they're valued."
That pearl of wisdom is worth keeping in mind for all children's behaviour, Cooper says.
"Honestly, in any given moment, you can track down any behaviour to one of those three things that they're just crying out for in one form or another."
What tactics have you found work best when dealing with a tantrum? Tell us in the comments below.
Top Comments
Remaining calm is a must of course. Don't follow the little folks into the emotional sink-hole of crazy. They need you to be a rock so that they know the world is okay.
I've always had zero tolerance for tantrums at home, which leads to almost none in public. Until child number four- the notorious 'planker' (3) will drop like a dead fish hanging from his arm as he holds my hand. I crouch down to his level- require eye contact, set him on his feet (sometimes repeatedly if he is being particularly floppy) and say firmly but kindly 'Buddy- you must walk now.' and that's pretty much the end of it.
To be able to do that in public successfully, you have to be consistent at home. All tantrums that lead to a child on the ground find the child being set back on his feet. I always ask them to wipe their eyes and calm down. Even a 12 month old can begin trying. Hugs help of course.
They DO have trouble controlling their emotions, but we have to kindly help them do that, bit by bit in an age appropriate way- that's what a parent does. I want them to feel heard, but I can't hear wailing and crying as well as I can hear them express themselves calmly (which we do after they've calmed down and we hug and chat then).
I grew up when the parenting trend of 'let a child feel what they need to feel' started to pick up pace. Guess what? We were still feeling our feelings (ie, being controlled by them) in our teens and most of us had some experience of self-injury. (That trend seems to be largely absent from our gran-parents generation I notice).
I think the hardest part of parenting for my generation is that we still are struggling to get our feelings under control! Parenting calmly is very very difficult. Be gracious with other parents trying hard and encourage them whenever you can. Apologise to your kids when you stuff up. Keep trying- we'll get there!
This expert forgot to mention if the toddler is having a tantrum in a restaurant, cafe or movie theatre, the said toddler should be taken outside to calm down.