"These are the 5 types of crying I do after every single date."

Listen to this article being read by Emily Vernem, here. 

I have a confession: I can’t stop crying after going on dates.

Some of the crying takes place straight after, some a few days after, and my favourite kind bubbles up three to four months after. Regardless of the timeline, the point is, it happens. Every. Single. Time.

I know what you’re going to say, I should take a break from dating, this isn’t normal, I should see a therapist about this. 

Well jokes on you, because I agree. 

Watch one of the most awkward first dates ever aired on telly. Post continues after video.

The thing with my post-date crying rituals, is that I’m not always sad. Sometimes, the crying is an act of release. I’ve grown accustomed to it and I’ve actually grown to rely on it to keep my other emotions intact. 

Yes, most of the crying happens after some form of brutal rejection or ghosting but I also cry after dates that have gone pretty well. 

Don’t make fun of me, please, but it feels like a form of meditation where I can sink into my feelings and then never think about it again. 

Having post-date cries is also a great way to deal with everything all at once instead of letting these emotions mull over a long period of time. 

Listen to Em on The Undone, giving a masterclass in dating apps. Post continues after podcast.

I would classify myself as a serial dater where I average around two first dates a month. Therefore, I’ve been exposed to many crying opportunities. Due to my experience in the field of tears, I have been able to classify and organise the different types of post-date crying into five distinct categories.

Grab your tissues, we’re about to get EMOTI!

1. The Done and Dusted

This is the cry that takes place immediately after a date. You get home, you crawl into bed and you just let out your feels. This is a form of gentle crying, you might not be making the crying noises but your eyes will well up and you will smash a family block of chocolate. 

You got it over and done with! Nice work!

The Done and Dusted crying essentials:

• Chocolate

• Pyjamas 

• Thick duvet

• Frank Ocean (his songs, not him there IRL ...although that would be great)

2. The Sunday Surprise

I have a rule where I only go on first dates on Thursdays. 

It’s the day of the week where work is winding down so you’re not so stressed. Friday’s and weekends are for the girls, so Thursday is the only reasonable day to go on a date. Anyway, I digress. The Sunday surprise is the crying that takes place three-to-four days after the date. Sunday mornings are the best time to cry because then you can go to a bottomless brunch immediately after.

This crying happens because you’ve had time to really sit with your feelings. You’ve found a calm gap in your busy social schedule and your emotions just let loose. BE FREE!

The Sunday Surprise crying essentials:

• Day old makeup

• Migraine medication

• Everything I know About Love by Dolly Alderton 

3. The Jeans And A Cute Top

This crying takes place in… public *shudders*. 

Don’t worry, it happens, and I’m going to walk you through it. 

The crying can happen anytime after the date. It’ll be when you’re at a social event that’s not quite formal like a wedding but not quite casual like a girls' night in. It’s the event that you wear jeans and a cute top to. 

The conversation threads carefully between light and shade, easy-going and deep. You’re out with friends who you trust but you wouldn’t die for. Then comes to the question “have you been on any dates recently?” You can’t help that your friends find you extremely entertaining. When you feel the tears start to build, I suggest you make a beeline to the bathroom. Look at yourself in the mirror and say the line, “men ain’t sh*t” and then strut yourself back to the table. You might feel embarrassed but remember that you’re out with your friends to have a good time. Use this to lean on them and talk about your feelings, from experience it’s much better than keeping it all in. 

The Jeans And A Cute Top crying essentials:

• Blueprint of the venue to sus out escape routes

• Jeans and a cute top, obv

• Waterproof mascara

• Two to three Vodka, Lime, Sodas

4. The Sweet Home Alabama

There’s something about being in a safe place that gives you the room to be your emotionally disastrous self. For me that’s at my parents' house. When I feel a cry coming on I immediately call them or drive to their place and lunge myself into their loving (yet confused) arms. 

This is a very wholesome type of crying, it happens in places where you can feel 100 per cent yourself. That might be public like your favourite cafe or private listening to a greatest hits of 2012 playlist in your car. Get it out, be loud and proud with your wails and then treat yourself to a freshly baked pastry straight after. 

The Sweet Home Alabama crying essentials:

• Word of warning to surrounding people

• Post-sob pastry

5. The Full Circle

Not to be mixed up with The Done and Dusted, this also happens immediately after a date except you’re actually crying about a previous date rather than the one you’ve just got back from. It’s confusing, I know. 

This crying is more like cries of exhaustion. Dating is hard work and barely gets recognised. 

I’m here to tell you that I acknowledge your full circle cry and I am proud of you.

The Full Circle crying essentials:

• Stamina 

• Full heart

• Heavy metal music

It would be weird to not end this on a sad note but I do find some positives in my post-date crying rituals. Crying reminds me that I care about my dating life and I care about myself. It shows that you’re brave to put yourself out there and that you’re not afraid to do it all over again, and again (and again). 

I would say that the next time you feel yourself about to cry after a date, see if you fit into any of these categories, have a big ol’ laugh about it and then go out and get lit with the girls. 

Cheers to giving this dating s**tshow a red hot go, gals. Tears and all.

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Feature Image: Supplied + Mamamia. 

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