If you’re not dealing with other people’s bodily functions and fluids on a daily basis, how do you know you’re even a parent?
That’s something writer Constance Hall, 35, who’s mum to Billie-Violet, Arlo-Love, twins Rumi and Snow – from her first marriage – and Raja, and step-kids Zeyke and Sunny with her husband Denim Cooke, knows all too well.
But one morning this week, she had a Battle Royale with her kids’ bodily fluids – and, maintaining her trademark refreshing honesty, she shared her experience on Instagram.
Posting a cheeky photo of herself making a “sshh” gesture, Hall described how her morning went to…crap.
“Oh man I did not sleep. Raja was literally up every 20 minutes, crying for boob but he couldn’t drink because he had a blocked nose so he would just continue to try… and cry,” she began the post.
“And then I smelt that he had shat.. and I motioned to Denzy to get me a nappy.. At that exact point Rumi woke up, walked around down stairs and screamed “mum Peaches has poi’s all over the house!!!!!”
But that wasn’t the end of it by any means.
“So I pulled off Raja’s nappy and as suspected there was poo everywhere. 2 days of constipation.. over, he’ll need a change of clothes. And as Denz went to get me the change of clothes Billie-Violet yelled out to me… “Mum!!!! Snow wee’d on the floor. It’s all over her pants!”,”Hall added.
As if that wasn’t enough….the crap then truly hit the fan.
Hall said that as she changed Raja’s nappy he had explosive diarrhoea – which ended up all over her naked body (she sleeps naked, and had just woken up). The poo-nami covered Hall…and seeped into her genitals.
“His shit went all over my tummy, my pubes, and yes, inside me,” she disclosed.
“The first thought that went through my head was THRUSH. Denzy’s never seen me move so fast, I jumped into that shower as he dealt with Raja and I basically douched myself.”
As Hall noted, “This was all before 7am.”
Luckily, there was relief in sight for the exhausted mum.
“Me and my rotten fanny are hiding in the twins room until Denim has driven everyone to school so I can go to work and fall asleep at my desk,” she said, explaining her “ssshh” gesture.
We certainly hope Hall got that much-needed desk-nap after her chaotic morning.