'I was violently abused for 18 years. Then my child handed me a drawing.'

Content warning: This story discusses domestic violence.

Domestic abuse wasn't something that was talked about in Deborah Thomson's household when she was growing up. 

Not because it was taboo, it just didn't happen there, not that Deborah was aware of anyway. 

"I knew nothing, I was completely ignorant," she says. 

She didn't spot the subtle signs of control and coercion when she met Wayne* at university. At the time, she was experiencing social anxiety and lacking confidence, but meeting Wayne changed all that — at first. 

Watch: Nicole LePera talks about how to break the cycle of trauma bonds & stop toxic relationship habits. Article continues after the video.

"In the beginning Wayne presented himself as everything in a person I would love," she says. 

"Especially in my state of feeling not good enough to be loved. He was romantic, loving, agreeable and attentive."

Looking back, Deborah can see the subtle signs of control, but at the time, his behaviour seemed loving and attentive – something Deborah craved. 

"He groomed me until he felt confident to move past subtle forms of abuse,  to the more obvious physical abuse," Deborah says. 

"This transition to assault occurred in a matter of months after meeting him."

The first assault occurred one night when Deborah and Wayne were out. As they walked along the street, Wayne shoved Deborah so hard, she fell to the ground. 

"He pulled me up, not to apologise, but to berate me for 'making a fool of myself'. As I did with violence that would come  in the future, I blamed this incident on something I'd done to cause his abuse."

The next assault was brutal. Wayne attempted to strangle Deborah, bashing her head into a brick wall."

"By the time the assault occurred, I was beyond the ability to discern his behaviour as abusive, and thought, despite his extreme violence, that I was the cause of it. 

"The fact that I continued the relationship cemented in his mind the hold he had over me."

From that day forward, Wayne continued to physically assault, threaten and emotionally abuse Deborah, leaving her living in constant fear. 

"The severity remained the same, it didn't escalate, rather his abuse presented itself in varying ways; holding a gun to my head, raping me, throwing me down stairs or threatening me with an axe."

The threat of sexual violence kept Deborah under her husband's control, and over the next ten years, she had three daughters. 

"The girls' births made little difference to the severity and frequency of his abuse," says Deborah. "If anything, having children in the home made him slightly more abusive, as if he blamed me for having children and adding to his responsibilities.

"I think the scariest moment of all was the day he held a rifle against my right temple and in front of two of my children threatened to 'blow my head off there and then.' I believed he wanted me dead, this was the way to do it and my children would witness it."

Throughout all of it, Deborah still believed she was partly responsible for his violence, she believed he would change, that she could fix him. Neither of them labeled his behaviour as abuse. 

Declining mental and physical health. 

After years of abuse, Deborah no longer had any sense of who she was as an individual independent of him.

"I was there solely to attend to his needs, essentially a slave living in a war zone. I did not have the headspace to reflect on what his abuse was doing to me mentally. 

"My role as I saw it was to find the key to stopping his violence and returning him to the partner that I thought he was when we first met."

Deborah also suffered two brain aneurysms, that according to her neurosurgeon, were most likely caused by the viscous assaults to her head. 

But it wasn't just Deborah who was suffering, each of her daughter's were also living with the consequences of their father's ongoing abuse. 

"The two older girls,  having lived longer with their father's abuse, became normalised to the chaos in the home," she says. 

"They accepted his behaviour and loved him regardless."

Their youngest daughter, however, refused to accept the abuse, and as soon as she was legally old enough, she cut all ties with her father, and her sisters. 

"Perhaps she may reconcile her sibling relationships, however I don't see a relationship with her father."

Deborah after surgery to help with her brain aneurysms. Image: Supplied.

What is complex trauma? 

After almost two decades of abuse, Deborah and her daughters continue to grapple with the extreme and complex trauma. 

According to Tamara Sullivan, Executive Manager of Blue Knot Foundation, complex trauma occurs after repetitive and largely interpersonally generated abuse, most often in the context of family and intimate relationships. 

"The ongoing and repeated abuse impacts a person's core sense of self, and often is accompanied by a pervasive sense of shame, as well as feeling unsafe and an inability to trust more easily in relationships with others, which can impact reaching out for support," says Tamara. 

"As we hold trauma in the body long after the event, this can impact health, mental health, relationships and the way we choose to respond in different environments if a threat is perceived.  

"For example, someone may be hypervigilant and develop coping mechanisms to manage these experiences. Some strategies are more helpful than others, but it is the attempt to survive what feels unsafe."

Because of the length of time complex trauma takes to develop, many who experience it may be unaware. 

"People with living and lived experience of complex trauma can experience feeling disconnected from their bodies and from others around them, often living day to day with heightened stress responses," says Tamara. 

"The sense of shame and fear people feel can also be a barrier to seeking support so often people don't disclose trauma experiences for many years."

Tamara says while the community at large is becoming more aware of repercussions of trauma generally, complex trauma can be more difficult to spot, and may require a different approach to healing. 

"It is important to understand that complex trauma is the impact of ongoing, repeated interpersonal abuse which impacts the psyche deeply," says Tamara. 

"There are not enough counselors or services who have an understanding of complex trauma, and the trauma specific work needed to provide pathways to healing."

A new beginning. 

After 15 years of marriage, Deborah tried to leave her husband. But when Wayne threatened to have her deemed an unfit mother, she became scared and returned. 

Two years later, something happened that changed the course of Deborah's life. Her daughter drew her a picture. The image was of Wayne shooting Deborah, blood spurting out of her neck. She told Deborah her father had taken one of his rifles from the roof cavity, placed it within easy reach, telling her he would "shoot mummy with it if she was naughty". 

The image drawn by Deborah's four-year-old daughter. Image: Supplied.

"I knew then that the girls could no longer live with him, especially now he'd involved the youngest girl in his dysfunctional world. We had to leave, and I did so with the three girls soon after this incident."

Deborah did leave, but she and her girls, despite being free of daily abuse, were left to pick up the pieces of their lives. 

"He seems to be the only member of our family not adversely affected by his behaviour against us," says Deborah. 

"All three girls have had intensive counseling to address the trauma from indirect abuse, witnessing their father's abuse of their mother, with the youngest diagnosed with complex trauma and anxiety. 

"I was diagnosed with depression, mild PTSD, accompanied by complex trauma. I still have nightmares where I wake screaming."

By continuing to share information and experiences like Deborah's, Tamara says she hopes to reach more people in the community, and influence decision-making about more funding can be provided for services,

"We encourage people to speak with their family, friends, GP or counsellor who can support them to find access to counselling and resources like the Blue Knot website."

Deborah has written a book about her experience, titled Whose Life Is It Anyway? Recognising and Surviving Domestic Violence.

More than 5 million adult Australians are impacted by the effects of abuse, neglect, violence and/or exploitation experienced as a child, young person, adult or over the lifespan. Blue Knot Foundation is encouraging Australians to wear a blue knot on Blue Knot Day, 31 October to support the Foundation in building a trauma-informed community which makes healing possible. Purchase a blue knot or donate at: blueknot.org.au

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) — the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here.

*Name has been changed.

Feature image: Supplied.