'My husband of 16 years tracked my every move. But truth was even more devastating.'

Warning: this post deals with domestic violence and sexual assault.

Lauren Trevan was just 18 years old when she first met Aiden* at their mutual sporting club. He was 27 at the time and "completely charming". By the time she was 20 and he 29, Lauren and Aiden* were a couple, well loved and highly respected within the club.

"He was charismatic, generous and loving," says Lauren. 

"And he was a real leader in the team. Everyone looked up to him. So I was thrilled when showed interest in me. He made me feel really good about myself."

Within a year, they were living together. Lauren was studying nursing, and was madly in love. 

For a while everything was perfect, but then slowly, things started to change. The first red flag came one night while Lauren was asleep. It was about 4am, Aiden had been out clubbing with his friends. He burst through the door, and turned the light on. 

Watch: You Cant Ask That - Domestic And Family Violence Survivors Answer Why Didn't You Just Leave. Article continues after the video.

"He just glared at me and said 'who's been here?' in this booming voice. He stood in the doorway, and could not believe that someone hadn't been there. He was convinced I'd had a man at the house with me."

Lauren went to bed exhausted, knowing she had an early shift, and wondering why he didn't believe her. He told her it was because the toilet roll was sitting differently. 

"We hadn't had a problem like that in the past. I was so shocked. I just thought I better be a bit careful how I am around other men. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable."

Things went back to normal after that, and everything seemed great. But then, Aiden saw a text message on Lauren's phone. He was convinced she was having an affair, giving her the silent treatment for days. 

"At the time I was still in my early twenties, and I was invested in the relationship. I gave up contact with that friend, and never even questioned why he read a phone message on my phone." 

"He began treating me like an object."

Lauren and Aiden were married 2005 and as far as Lauren was concerned, enjoyed a regular, active sex life. 

"One night we were having an argument about his drinking and staying out and he just flipped it, saying we didn't have enough sex, and that he shouldn't have married me because it ruined our sex life. 

"He was standing in our front door, belittling me about sex. And it was so loud the neighbours could hear. It was so humiliating. It was like we were describing two different relationships. I just wanted him to get back to being nice to me."

In the end, it seemed easier to have sex with him than listen to his outbursts.  A couple of years later, Lauren gave birth to their first child, which seemed to make everything worse. 

"He was not a good person, but he became even worse. The honeymoon period in between the arguments were disappearing altogether. He began treating me like an object to cook his dinners."

Then Aiden bought Lauren a gift — a new mobile phone. She was pleased he was being nice to her, but the truth was, he was gaining access to her phone. 

"He was reading all my text messages, all my emails, my social media messages. He controlled all the finances. And by the time I realised, I was miserable, we had two children, and I just felt completely trapped."

"I couldn't stand him anymore."

Aiden lost his job and refused to seek work. He was living off Laura's wage and became even more cruel. "I didn't realise he was controlling at the time. He would still say he loved me before bed, but he could never show that. There was no affection at all unless he wanted to have sex."

"One night we were having sex, my body was just giving up, and tensing every time. He jumped up and said 'What the fuck is wrong with you?," says Lauren. 

For the first time, Lauren told him the truth. They don't love each other, she said. It was time to go their separate ways. He didn't take it well. 

"He said I'm going to take the children, then after a while, when he realised his anger wasn't working for the first time… he threatened to kill himself. 

"So I ended up staying."

A few months later, Lauren realised Aiden was also tracking her car. "He always knew where  I was. So I felt completely trapped. 

"There was a police card in the letter box."

One day, Lauren received a call from Aiden. He'd spent the evening at the police station after finding their business card in the letterbox. 

Aiden was under investigation for inappropriately messaging one of the girls in their sporting club. She was 13. 

"He convinced me that everything in these messages were said in jest, and it was all a misunderstanding."

Lauren believed him. Because although he was awful to her, the accusation didn't line up with what she knew of him as a man – and that included his shortcomings. 

When they attended their sports club's annual AGM, Lauren was braced and ready to defend her husband, who was stepping down from his role as president. But the girl's parents had sent the transcript of the messages to the committee. There were nine pages. 

"He'd written them at all times of night, midnight, after midnight. He was all happy faces, emojis, saying things like 'I'd love to be off work today with a little hottie like you', stuff that didn't even sound like his language.  

"You would be heartbroken if you read those messages. I read it and I thought 'this is disgusting'." 

Aiden was caught by accident. The girl had left her phone in the living room. Around midnight, a message came through. Her mother was up, so she checked the phone, and saw the messages. 

Just the beginning. 

More and more girls came forward. The girls were of all different ages, the accusations spanning back years. It wasn't just inappropriate messages either. He also raped them; one in the couple's home while Lauren was away.

Because of his good standing at the sporting club as the president and a coach, the girl's parents felt completely comfortable leaving their daughter alone with him.  

"Once all of it came out, it made perfect sense, but I never saw it. 

"There was one day, a 14 year old girl was injured. The way he picked her up and carried her, I thought, look at how lovely he's being to that injured girl, I wish he felt that affection towards me,  but it never occurred to me that he could be abusing her. 

"He was getting more brazen and brazen over the years."

Seven victims came forward, and Aiden was charged with three counts of rape, and sexual penetration of a child under 16, plus a string of other related charges. He was sentenced to 14 years in prison. 

"He used his coercive control skills on these girls."

Lauren is sharing her story because she wants people to understand the insidiousness of coercive control. 

"The little nuances that you don't even realise how miserable you make your life to keep them happy. He was able to use those skills to access other girls, " says Lauren.

"He needed me to look like this great upstanding citizen in our sporting club. I made him look good, so he was able to, as a 45-year-old man, covertly message 13 year old girls. He started messaging one of the girls at 11."

The mother of two says it was the strength of these young girls speaking up against Aiden that gave her the strength to leave him. 

"They saved me because I would have stayed. I didn't know the way he was treating me was abusive. I just thought I had chosen a shit partner and was in a miserable marriage, but it was far more complex than that."

Lauren has written a book about her experience, Now I See You, with the blessing of each of the victims, because she believes silence empowers perpetrators. 

"It wasn't just me and if he didn't have a great upstanding wife, no one would have trusted him to be alone with their daughter."

Years of trauma. 

After spending 16 years of her life with this man, Lauren was then forced to endure the family court system, despite his arrest. 

"I went to all of his hearings. And then I was fighting him in family court, then that got taken to children's court. 

"I used all my long service leave and even after he was convicted and sentenced to 14 years, he was still able to take out more action against me in family court, and his parents took out action."

Lauren wanted to move to Queensland with her two children, but even though her husband had been convicted of raping children, she was still forced to endure a lengthy and expensive family court process. 

A life beyond abuse. 

After eventually winning sole custody of her children, Lauren moved to Queensland where they are now "living their best lives". 

"I've re-partnered and we've got a family together now, we've got a rescue dog and we're just in this beautiful warm place.

"There is light after abuse, but it is a tough road and we need to support people to know that they're' not the only ones going through it and there is support."

Lauren is now a volunteer with DV Safe Phone, a charity organisation that refurbishes old phones and provides them to frontline DFV agencies, along with new SIMS and charging cables. 

"It's so important to have these resources out there. I wonder how different my life would have been if I'd had access to a safe phone, or an escape plan." Lauren is also studying criminology. 

Despite moving on, Lauren still lives with the fear of his release from prison. To this day, he still says he had "an affair with an underage person".

"I've helped put him in jail, he's not going to be happy.

"But we need to be talking more about coercive control and sexual abuse."

DV Safe Phone collects, repairs and gives free mobile phones to domestic violence survivors, through over 360 Domestic Violence and Law Enforcement Agencies, Safe Houses and Hospitals Australia -wide. To donate funds or a phone visit: https://dvsafephone.org/

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732)—the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here. You can also donate to their Christmas Appeal here.

*name has been changed.

Feature image: Supplied.