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Could Clive Palmer be the Sylvia Plath of 2017?

Excuse me but something’s happened.

It’s… it’s Clive Palmer.

You know the fella – Australian businessman? Former politician? Leader of the (in)famous Palmer United Party?

This guy!

Clive and friends kicking goals in Parliament. Image via Getty.

You see, Clive's done a thing...

His political career (obviously) wasn't working out: according to Queensland's The Sunday Mail Palmer went unseen in his electorate "for almost seven months"; opted for yellow (eww) as his campaign colours; and was absent from Parliament more often than any other Senator: forty-four times. Forty-four.

Listen: Jessie Stephens debates the importance of doing things we're bad at with Monique Bowley and Mia Freedman, on Mamamia Out Loud. Maybe Clive Palmer's on the right track after all... Post continues after audio.

Anyway BACK TO PRESENT DAY because in a move that has A.B. Banjo Patterson rolling in his grave, the former Senator has set his sights on the world of poetry.

Yes... poetry.

As did poetry greats Sylvia Plath and Rudyard Kipling before him, Palmer has adopted Facebook as the ideal platform through which his gospel will be dispelled.

With 14K 'likes', 'Tim Tam Slam' is the most well-received of his works to date. And I have some thoughts but also concerns.

Firstly...

Clive. Are you okay? Are you maybe being held somewhere against your will? This is almost certainly a cry for help.

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#saveclive.

Clive, if you're out there, I want you to know that it's going to be okay, but also that you're poetry is tear-inducing.

Secondly...

Hashtags in poetry are not okay.

In saying that, your Tim-Tam Slam sounds really great and I think we all need to try one.

Except for you because you have publicly announced your intention to diet. #ClivesTimTamSlam by no means screams FODMAP.

No but Clive, in all seriousness, keep it up...

You've dropped some weight.

You're looking great.

Have another,

Tim Tam Slam.

copyright 2017 Luca Lavigne.

Here's the thing.

This was no isolated incident.

Following the tremendous audience reception to 'Tim Tam Slam' - one Facebook commenter described the poem as "genius" - something was awoken within the politician-turned-poet: a certain thirst; a hunger.

And from that hunger, #ClivesPieSandwich was born.

I know what you're thinking, and DON'T WORRY... there's more.

The well-received 'Clive Puts Certain Foods Between Other Foods' series is now indicative of his Facebook feed as a whole.

What was once a tsunami of politically boorish statuses is now something far worse: a series of spontaneous poetic bubbles rising from the depths of the Clive Palmer psyche.

He's let his poetic inclinations off-leash. And they're running wild.

OKAY STOP BECAUSE THIS ONE NEEDS TO BE BROKEN DOWN LINE-BY-LINE.

Red light, red light, red light, red light.

We get it. You're driving.

Ride an onion

What has happened here is you've come up with an image that a) makes no sense and b) is wildly unappealing.

Is this a metaphor? Are you actually riding an onion? Is it a sex thing?

Crush a cabbage

This makes sense, but is an unproductive thing to think about while in traffic.

Fight a mongoose, to your dreams

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I take issue here with the fact you want us to fight a mongoose to our dreams. Not in them. To them.

This implies we are NOT dreaming while fighting said mongoose, and thus that the mongoose with which we fight is real.

So. Not only do you want us to find a literal mongoose - of which there are approximately none in Australia - should we find one, you want us to fight it.

There's just no way that's gonna happen, given mongooses (mongeese?) look like this:

LOOK AT THEIR NOSES THEY RED. via iStock.

Just to clarify, Clive, this is what a poem looks like:

If

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Excerpt from 'If', by Rudyard Kipling.
This is what a poem does NOT look like:

Clive's Tim Tam Slam

A tim-tam, ice cream,

Chocolate sauce.

Another tim-tam.

#ClivesTimTamSlam.

Excerpt from 'Clive's Tim-Tam Slam', by Clive Palmer.

We appreciate you're trying. You're trying real hard.

We just don't think this is your calling, Clive. This, or politics.

Maybe just stick to mining, and all of us will be better off.

Except, you know, the environment.

You can read more of Clive Palmer's poetry on his Facebook page, here.

You can nominate 'Clive's Tim Tam Slam' for a Pulitzer Prize, here.

Follow Luca Lavigne on Facebook for a heckin' good time, here.

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