"A definitive list of the things I can't be bothered to do before Christmas."

I’m not stumbling to the Christmas holiday finish line. I’ve twisted my ankle and need an ice pack and a chair and maybe even a yellow Gatorade and someone to come and get me in their big-ass black 4WD and drive me in the crisp air conditioning to the finish line.

Oh, and I need some sushi.

OK, I haven’t twisted my ankle. What about a really bad stitch?

I. Just. Can’t. Do. This. Anymore.

The morning routine.

The evening routine.

The routine in the middle of the morning routine and evening one.

The holiday finish line seems so far away. The everyday little molehills are now the greatest mountains on earth like Mt Cootha in Brisbane.

Listen: The Christmas task dominating Holly Wainwright’s life? Elf on the Shelf. (Post continues after audio.)

Or I have become a flake. I have become a spineless whinger who thinks waiting at the lights to cross the road takes TOO MUch energy (see? I couldn’t even be bothered to keep my caps lock on).

No, the little things are now mountains, and I’m barefoot and forgot to bring water and I have a big blister.

If I could just curl up in a ball in a really comfy bed with some kind of streaming device handy, and wake up on December 24 with Christmas prepped and ready and the holidays about to start…

Or, if I have to stay awake, this is a list of things I wouldn’t do in the lead up to Christmas I if I could get away with it.

Cook dinners, think about dinner, clean up after dinner, anything to do with dinner

Be in charge of whether there is any milk in the fridge

Drive people to places where they will have fun and I will drive home. In traffic

Buy six teacher presents

Grocery shop

Grocery shop

Grocery shop

Make beds

Wash things. Any things

Wear heels

Tell teens and tweens to pick up the DIRTY CLOthes on the floor (again, I can't even hold down caps lock and think I need someone to sit with me until the 24th and move my fingers)

Get rid of unwanted body hair (Post continues after gallery.)

The best Christmas pop culture viewing.

Get my hair cut and coloured

Shop for a pair of bathers

Have another conversation with my mum about whether we get a whole ham or half a ham for Christmas

Catch up with people just to catch up with people

Wash the dog

Get dressed to go to work

Make small talk with a distant relative I last saw 10 years ago who keeps calling me Cathy

Organise with husband who goes to what school function

Talk to husband about the lights that need changing before "people come" (who are these "people"  he talks of?)

Pay a bill

What teachers get from their students for Christmas. Post continues below.

Make myself lunch

Flush toilets that other people with fingers and hands don't seem to be able to flush

Order school books online

Go to gym

Can't be bothered to make any appointment for anything for anyone in my family, including myself

Finding that roll of sticky tape that is somewhere in the house for wrapping presents

Making lists about what I can't be bothered to do before Christmas