This post deals with pregnancy loss and might be triggering for some readers.
After a number of days in hospital, Chrissy Teigen's doctor told her the news she knew, deep down, was coming.
Pregnant with her third child, a son named Jack, Teigen's doctors had diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption.
This is when the placenta partly and fully separates from the inner wall of the uterus. It can decrease or block the baby's supply of oxygen and nutrients and cause heavy bleeding in the mother.
"Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount," Teigen wrote in an essay on Medium, after the loss of Jack in September when she was 20 weeks pregnant.
"My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly."
Her doctor told her it was time to say goodbye.
"He just wouldn't survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all.
"Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning.
"I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."
Soon after, Teigen and her husband John Legend shared their loss publicly along with a series of photos showing their grief and final moments with Jack.
Among all the responses; the outpourings of love, the condolences and 'thank yous' for being so open about a topic many still sweep under the rug, were other mutterings: 'Why would you take photos of such a personal moment?'
On Medium, Teigen explained.
"I had asked my mum and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask.
"That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn't make sense to him at the time.
"But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story."
Teigen said she "cannot express how little" she cares about those who hate the photos, or questioned her decision to take and share them.
"I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren't for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like.
"These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."
She wrote how the essay was what she needed to say before she could "move on from this and return back to life", although after sharing it she wrote in an Instagram post that "as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so....final. I don't want to ever not remember Jack".
Teigen ended the essay with another thank you.
"Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see.
"Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."
If this has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637.
Join the community of women, men and families who have lost a child in our private Facebook group.
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