ASK HOLLY: My daughter's fiancé 'cheated' on his buck's night. Should she call it off?

Welcome to Mamamia's advice column, DON'T FREAK OUT, where Holly Wainwright solves your most personal and problematic dilemmas with her sage wisdom. If you have a drama you need solved, email us at helpme@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course because otherwise, awks.

WARNING, friends, this question is a little explicit. If your pearls clutch over some frank language and lewd acts… you know what to do. 

Dear Holly,

My eldest daughter will be getting married soon and this weekend was her fiance's buck's party. 

On Friday night after an afternoon of golf, drinking and I'm assuming drugs as well, his mates organised a stripper for him at the accommodation they had booked. He says he was in bed and they dragged him out to be a part of it, which he reluctantly did. During the stripper’s act she laid him down, straddled him, (she was naked of course) got him to hold a dildo which she was penetrated with. She then tried putting the dildo in his mouth which he says he pushed away.

My daughter had a feeling something was up as she hadn't heard from him all Friday night or Saturday morning. He knew she was uneasy about there being a stripper involved in the weekend (the mates had given them the heads up) and she thought he would have at least messaged to reassure her all was ok.

On Saturday she made contact with him to find out what was going on. That was when he told her about it. He was quite abrupt about it, saying he was drunk and that his mates egged him on, what was he supposed to do?

Since then my daughter has spiralled ... she feels hurt and betrayed and constitutes the act as cheating. That he penetrated another woman, even if it was a dildo, is that cheating? I guess there's no rules about what is and what's not cheating, but her feelings need to be validated.

He's extremely upset and remorseful but only because, in his words, "I feel terrible that she feels I've let her down". That's not really taking ownership or apologising, is it?

We love them as a couple, he's a wonderful guy and this is out of character for him. They've bought a house together and have been thriving with regards to careers, goal setting and living a happy healthy lifestyle. We have my daughter's bridal shower next weekend and the wedding is getting close too. We've all put so much time, effort and money into these events but she's contemplating calling it off. Can you see a way forward for them? It's not just the events coming up, I want them to have a happy future together regardless, as they really do make a great compatible couple. Everyone can see how in love they are and how good they are together.

Bloody buck's parties! Why do men seem to think it's okay to behave like this when they've made a commitment to someone else!

I'm devastated that this stupid act could ruin all of it. Any advice, Holly?

Thank you,

Mother Of The (Maybe) Bride

—-----

Dear Mother Of The (Maybe) Bride,

I do have advice for you, my friend. 

Stay out of it. 

I say this with love. I think the fact you know this story means your daughter loves and trusts you and values your opinion, because I don’t know that I would have necessarily shared the dildo details with my mum, back when I was making big life decisions.

It’s weirdly beautiful and precious that you two share that level of intimacy, and because of that, your responsibility here is significant. I know you have emotional and financial investment in this, but tread very carefully. It sounds to me like you want your daughter to brush this off, and she well might, but if she doesn’t, you don’t want to be pushed into a corner where you urged her to stay with a man she no longer trusts. That’s a corner that’s hard to get out of, one where it could be construed as not putting her happiness over the tidy story of a wedding, a lovely husband and a nice house. 

But, since we’re here, let’s get to it. Did he cheat? Yes. 

Not because of what bits of what went into which parts of who, but because your daughter was worried this might happen (which is telling, she obviously knows what happens when he goes out with his friends), she expressed to him that she would be really uncomfortable and upset if it did, and he did it anyway. 

If your daughter had said to him, ‘It’s your buck's night, go wild, do what you want, I don’t want to know,’ then that’s a different story. One person’s dildo slip is another person’s text with a workmate. It’s not the actions themselves that make it cheating, it’s the disregard for our partner’s expressed fears, feelings, insecurities, whatever you want to call them. That’s the bit that hurts. And that’s the bit that makes you look sideways at someone and go, “hmmm, that’s not who I thought you were. Will I be safe with you?”

That’s what I think your daughter is doing, as she “spirals”. She is adding this version of the man she loves up with all the versions of him and deciding if he’s still the person she wants to build a life with. And she has every right to do that. 

She's wondering if every time he goes out - to one of the other guys' buck's parties, for example - he will make another "mistake". Is this what she'll lie awake worrying about every Friday night? Does she want to live like that? Plenty of women do, and it can build resentment, eat at you and your happiness and screw with your self-esteem and your ability to trust.

None of us are perfect. None of us are beyond ever doing something that might upset the people who love us. We all have sides to our personalities that we find hard to rein in. And we all deserve forgiveness and second chances and a little bit of leeway for times that we’d had four too many (which is, let’s face it, an overused excuse). But also, we all have to be open to the possibility that one of our mistakes will be the deal-breaker. And that the timing of that won’t be in our control. 

So, back to what you should do. Nothing, except be there for your daughter whatever she decides. If she gets over it and moves on, you should never mention it again. File it away under Things I Wish I Didn't Know. And if she decides this is her deal breaker, you sweep her up in love and understanding and bolster her while she rebuilds her future. 

And you try to get as many refunds as you can. 

You sound like a great mum. And you’re right about buck's parties. They’re bullshit.

xxxxx

If you have a dilemma for Holly, please email helpme@mamamia.com.au.

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