"Nate’s wife was my best friend." My complicated story of being the other woman.

Having an affair with someone else’s husband is not for the weak of heart.

It may, you argue, be for the weak of character, but that is debatable and, for me, isn’t a thing I agree with.

People slip into having affairs mostly by accident, I think.

As in, I don’t think THAT many people go out looking to cheat on their spouses, but things happen between people. Undeniable chemistry. A single, golden opportunity.

I’ve already written a bit about what it feels like to be the other woman in a relationship, but I can’t stop thinking about what it actually FELT like to be in it — the feelings that went along with the motions.

There wasn’t much emotion that went along with my affair, but I had a lot of feelings, and if you’re in an affair or considering one, consider these feels: I felt wanted, desirable, and sexy.

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In fact, I’ve never felt these things more in my life, from any other partner.

Nate and I had incredible chemistry in the bedroom, more so, again, than I’ve had with any other sexual partner, so of course, that makes me feel sexy to be having so much great sex.

But, to think that this man is choosing to have sex with ME over the woman he chose to marry made me feel even more wanted and desirable as a person than I ever have.

To know that he had a wife to go home to and sleep with, to know that he consistently chose me over her, even though she was thinner, prettier, and overall sexier than me? Sh*t.

You’d think the other woman would feel like a jilted lover, cast aside for the wife when he’s done, and that sometimes, sadly, may be the case.

Nate made me feel like a goddess and brought out sexual parts of me that I never even knew existed because I had never felt so free and comfortable in bed with someone before. I felt happy.

My secret affair may not have been a good, functional relationship, but I was happy with what was going on with Nate.

I was happy whenever I was with Nate, whether we were screwing or just hanging around talking.

In the year-and-a-half that we had our affair, we got to know each other and care for each other like the best of friends do, and I think that’s what made it feel so good.

The truth is, I am not good at relationships. As a writer, I love my alone time and I’m not good at being with someone constantly, and my biggest fear in a relationship is a co-dependent partner.

So, the affair with Nate was perfect for me, for where I was in life at the time.

We had a lot of great sex and good conversation, and at the time I couldn’t ask for anything more.

I didn’t want to ask for anything more. I felt scared and in denial.

Of course, with any affair, there’s always the fear of getting caught. I think that just comes with the territory.

Nate’s wife was my best friend, and the thought of her finding out what we were doing together was enough to shut down some part of my brain that even allowed the thought to enter my head.

Nate and I were both in complete denial that she would ever find out about the affair, even when we were so brazen as to have sex in their house while she was also in the house on multiple occasions. (There’s a lot to be said for scared quickies, I might add.)

But really, I just blocked it out. Nope, I thought, she’ll never find out.

I never even played out the scenario of her finding out in my mind, I literally couldn’t even bring myself to imagine it.

Meanwhile, Nate and I were telling each other that the affair was so crazy, no one would believe it if we were accused.

If we got caught by someone else, his wife would never believe we would do such a thing. We would be golden.

We were really, really stupid. I felt guilty and ashamed.

Yup, you bet this was coming, didn’t you? I bet you hoped it was.

Nate never made me feel used, dirty, or ashamed for being his girl on the side, but that didn’t stop me from feeling that way once in a while.

The thing is, no matter how good the sex was or how secret the affair was or even how great it made me feel… I was still doing something wrong and I knew it.

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I always knew what we were doing was wrong. I just wasn’t willing to stop it.

I think I was more future shaming myself than I was actually feeling ashamed at the time.

Like, I knew how ashamed I would feel if anyone found out about the affair, but while I was in it I kept the shame at bay, but the guilt stayed.

Guilt and shame are heavy things to carry around with you, and I still carry some of them over this affair, I’m still trying to therapy them away.

I always told myself, what my friend didn’t know couldn’t hurt her.

I was right about that; she never got hurt.

But I did, because I knew what I was doing had the potential to hurt her, and I cared about that, even if it wasn’t enough to make me end it.

Not all other women know or are friends with the wives in the situation, but that makes things extra sticky and hard to deal with.

When it was over, I felt relieved.

Well, let’s be honest, when it was over I was PISSED because I ended it after I found out Nate was sleeping with ANOTHER girl.

Apparently I have no problem being the cheater, but I can’t handle it if my cheater cheats on me.

At any rate, after a few days of being really pissed off and another few days of being really, really sad that the best sex of my life had just come to an abrupt and unexpected end, all I could feel was relief.

It was like I had been holding my breath for a year and a half and I finally let it all out.

No more worries about being caught in the act, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out anymore.

In my head, I wrapped my time with Nate up in a box, locked it tight and threw away the key.

Now he is a secret to be kept, but a story to be told.

Names changed of course. I’m not that crazy.

Use this as a cautionary tale.

I can’t say I wouldn’t have an affair again, because I just don’t know. I didn’t think I would ever have this one, but it happened.

One moment I was sitting in a car with my best friend’s new husband and the next minute we were kissing and it all unfolded from there. It all starts with a kiss.

But not every other woman is going to be as lucky as I was.

Not ever other woman will be respected, treated well, or adored for who she is.

I’m sure there are plenty of men out there trolling for affairs who will not be as gentle and gentlemanly as Nate was with me, so use caution.

Try using your brain instead of your… you know.

If an affair feels wrong to you, don’t do it, or get out of it fast before things go awry.

Because affairs can break hearts, destroy marriages, and ruin lives.

I just got really lucky.

This article was originally published on Medium and was republished here will full permission. For more from Meaghan Ward, you can read more of her stories here, follow her on Facebook here, or subscribe to her newsletter here.