'My search for a $20 orgasm led to some weird places.'

Perhaps I should rewind a little…

As someone who writes about sex for a living, I’m often sent vibrators to review. Most of them are uninspiring. In my experience, you get what you pay for when it comes to sex toys. Anything under $50 has typically left my vagina feeling like it had a run-in with a lawnmower, while vibes around the $150 mark tend to be right on the money (and the orgasm) when it comes to delivering what they promise.

My favourite vibrator costs almost as much as tickets to Coachella. Though, to be fair, it’s delivered more satisfying orgasms than any guy at a music festival ever has. (Hey, we’ve all been there).

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It got me thinking recently…is it possible to get an orgasm from a sex toy under the price of $20? More importantly, do vibrators at this price even exist? It was a challenge I was willing to take – even at the risk of ending the week with an angry clitoris. After all, if there really was a sex toy that could get a woman off for under $20, it seemed like something we should all know about. (I’m an altruist like that.)

So, my vagina and I got straight down to research.

The first vibe I came across immediately piqued my curiosity on account of its aesthetic. Priced just under $12, the Oh! Kiss Me Lipstick Vibrator, looked identical to a regular tube of lipstick and claimed to deliver “single speed vibrations through the lipstick tip for swift gratification”.

 

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A $12 portable vibrator with a head designed to titillate my clit and appear totally inconspicuous in my handbag? I was on board. I promptly entered my credit card details into the site and eagerly awaited the arrival of my new adult plaything.

Twenty-four hours later, there was a knock at the door.

“Please sign here,” the delivery guy prompted, holding out a digital notepad.

I’d forgotten about my adult gift when he handed it over, and I realised exactly what it was.

“Enjoy your package!” he exclaimed cheerily as I closed the door behind him, none the wiser that I was indeed going to enjoy it, very much. Or at least, that was the plan.

I tore open the package and inspected my new toy. It came with a battery and was ready to go. I removed the base as instructed and pressed the hidden button underneath it. The lipstick head immediately erupted into furious vibration. HOLY HELL. There was a lot of power in such an unassuming device. I slipped it down my pants and held it against my clit.

WOW. Oh, wow. It felt good. I found myself spontaneously giggling at how delicious the sensation was. Fifteen minutes and some lube added to the mix later, I reached orgasm. For $12.

Next on my list was an ‘orgasm balm’ I’d been reading good things about online. At $19.95, it boasted to “increase your chance of orgasm” by “making your clitoris more responsive”. After skimming through a few dozen shining reviews of it, I decided to buy it.

Another day later, there was another knock at my door. This time I knew exactly what it was for and eagerly galloped to the door.

The same delivery guy held out a digital notepad.

“Sign here please,” he said, then, “You’re getting a lot of goodies this week, aren’t you?” with a smug smile on his face. Did he know my dirty little secret?

Aroused by the very thought of the Postie knowing what I was up to, I got straight down to business applying a small amount to my clitoris, as advised in the instructions. Then I flicked on some PornHub to fap to.

Within a few seconds my lady button started to tingle. It was a light, airy sensation, sort of like having my partner seductively blow on my bits. I was definitely not averse to it. After my usual 15 minute session I reached orgasm, though I did incorporate my trusty $150 clitoral vibe, so I couldn’t be entirely sure if the balm alone had gotten me there. Unlike other clitoral stimulating gels I’d tried before, this one didn’t make my lady parts feel like they were on fire. The feeling was much subtler, and quite pleasant – I’d definitely use it again.

Last, but not least, I was delighted to stumble upon a sex toy for under $5 – a two-pack of so-called “finger stimulators” that looked like tiny condoms with little bumps all over them, designed to slip over your finger. The idea behind them, according to the packaging, was to add extra texture to my masturbatory experience. This time I got my partner in on the action. I gave one to him and used the other myself during foreplay.

The feeling was more on the uncomfortable side. Sort of like someone was running a hairbrush over my clit. I did not enjoy it and promptly discontinued using my finger condom.

Even still, two out of three possible orgasms for three sex toys all under the cost of my weekly Opal card was not bad. Not bad at all. While I won’t be discontinuing my exxy vibe any time soon, let’s just say I’ve since had quite a few rendezvous with my new faux lipstick friend. So, if you hear a quiet buzzing coming from the stall next to you in the restrooms, don’t be alarmed. It’s probably me.

For more of Nadia’s hilarious sex toy reviews, follow her on Instagram.