'I put off starting a family to take my "dream job". Then it turned into a nightmare.'

I was never sure if I wanted kids. I just couldn’t see how it would fit in with my career aspirations. 

And then I landed my dream job - like text-the-group-chat dream job - and it was full steam ahead. 

What made it a dream job? I work in marketing, and it was all about the product and the brand. During the hiring process, HR said the manager wasn’t 100 per cent sure what she was after. That should’ve been a red flag - but I repeat, DREAM job. 

So I left my perfectly good job, with a great culture and supportive manager, for the lure of the dream. And the first few weeks were amazing - welcome packs, beautifully set out offices, guest speakers. Tick, tick, tick.

Celebrating landing my dream job. Image: Supplied. 

As I settled into my new role, I realised I didn’t have the same level of autonomy I had in previous roles. My boss didn’t have time to do everything herself, but she didn’t trust anyone else to do it right (note, just because someone is a subject matter expert doesn’t mean they should be a people manager).

The strategy for our team was unclear, so the direction we were heading in changed regularly. My boss said I needed to anticipate her every need and always have the answers to her questions; it was like sitting a closed book exam, every day. But no matter how hard you studied, you would never get the answer right.

I vividly remember her saying, “did you hit your head?”, in response to a presentation that I had worked on for her over the weekend. 

Eerily similar to Miranda Priestly saying, “did you fall down and hit your little head on the pavement?”. I still think about it to this day, and go over what I should’ve said - but this was my dream job, so I said nothing in response.

I had a wedding to go to up in Daylesford, Melbourne, on a Sunday. There was no way I was asking for the Monday off, that would be career suicide, so my husband and I planned to drive back early Monday morning. 

That Sunday night, for the first time, I realised I was experiencing anxiety. Sitting in bed, my chest tight, with my husband sitting next to me encouraging me to breathe slowly, I decided this wasn’t the dream.

I really thought there would be this next level of satisfaction from my dream job. That I would be fulfilled with my work, and I wouldn’t miss having a family. I was so surprised that wasn’t the case - I was doing the same kind of work, in a nicer office, with a worse boss, and now I had anxiety and was burnt out. 

It felt like the kind of environment where you had to play dirty to get ahead, and that wasn’t what I wanted to do for the next 30 years of my life.

Out of a team of eight, seven of us left within a year, and we were all replaced. Of course we were - there was work to do, and money to make. I’ve never felt so relieved as when I decided to resign.

I had to redefine what the dream job was. I talked to some of the amazing leaders I had in the past and came up with three checks: 

Culture: Do you enjoy the people you work with every day, can you learn things from management, and is your team supportive? 

The role: Is the workday to day stimulating and rewarding? 

Money: Is it paying market rate? 

This changed everything for me. It wasn’t about whether my friends would think the company I worked for was “cool”. Yes, I was still passionate about my career - but I wanted a balance.

I missed being present at family events, and using my annual leave so I could recover from a few too many wines after tearing it up on the dance floor. 

It made me realise I could get fulfilment from my job without being solely defined by it. I think deep down I was hesitant to let myself want kids, in case I never got around to having them because of work. 

But I no longer felt the constant push and pull between dream job vs having a baby, or even feeling like I had to tell people I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids because I wanted them to know I took my work seriously. I realised if someone needed to know that to think I was doing a good job, then it wasn’t the place for me.

Fast forward two years, and I’m now enjoying a new challenge: 12 months maternity leave with my beautiful daughter. I'm trying to be present, enjoy our time together and realise that I’m not replaceable to her. 

My daughter, Letty and I during my 12-month maternity leave. Image: Supplied. 

Erin is a marketing manager and first-time mum.

Feature Image: Supplied.

Are you actively taking steps to improve your health and general wellbeing? Take our survey now to go in the running to win a $50 gift voucher.