Today our eyeballs were delighted/assaulted by Cara Delevingne's house tour.
Showing Architectural Digest around her LA mansion, we were anticipating some whacky moments - maybe a funky lamp? A fluffy pillow or two? You know, saucy homewares.
But alas, not even an acid trip could have prepared us for this house tour.
Listen to this episode of The Spill, where hosts Laura Brodnik and Kee Reece discuss Cara's home tour. Post continues after podcast.
The tour opened where all logical house tours begin... at the front door. But don't let this normality fool you. Once inside, there's not a single stitch of normal knocking around this mansion.
First stop on the tour: The terrifying goose walls.
Cara Delevingne has modelled Gucci many, many times before, and it seems part of that contract included a caveat that she must attack all home visitors with Gucci goose wallpaper.
The birds seem to know what's ahead, and they're trying to warn us.
Cara takes us to the dining room and then waltzes over to the kitchen where there's a torture chamber strapped to the wall. She explains that it's a chicken rotisserie that was installed by the previous owner. We're unsure who has the need to rotate eight chickens at once...
BUT WAIT.
Is this what the Gucci geese were fearful of?! Getting flame-grilled in their own home?!
Moving on. Cara tiptoes into a 'formal dining room' (we forget that rich people have multiple places to sit and eat food), and it is at this point where she shares this insight:
"This house has very hard floors, so when you step on the floors too much, it hurts your feet."
...But before you feel sorry for the supermodel, she declares she's found a nifty solution. And it's a razor scooter, directly imported from your early '90s childhood.
Now's probably a good a time as any to flag that Cara has two pianos. One black one in her 'band room' and one see-through one in her 'drawing room', where she plays Chopin. Naked.
Cara Delevingne leads us into a mirrored corner of a room. There are palm leaves, wood panelling and peacocks painted onto the walls.
She shares that the next thing we're going to see is a little 'out there'.
Good god.
"This was the newest thing my architect helped me create. I called him up one day and asked for this, and he genuinely made this happen."
She opens a secret door in the mirrored wall.
A vagina appears.
Correction, a *vagina tunnel* appears.
She explains that she, "comes in here to think. I come in here to create. I feel inspired in the vagina tunnel."
We have one question (well, we actually have 5,466 questions, but we'll lead with this one): Where does this labia lead?
Turns out it's a short vaginal canal away from a washing machine exit into the spare bedroom. Obviously.
"Birthed and cleansed!" Cara exclaims while extracting herself from the most confusing spin cycle we've ever witnessed.
We quickly skim past the David Bowie toilet, the Japanese puzzle shelf, a Chanel surfboard before arriving in Cara's bedroom.
There's not much to report here other than that the room makes her "feel calm" (literally how?) and she has a vaginal bouquet of flowers. We're sensing a running theme...
There's a lot of dashing from room to room, turning corners, having dogs opening the doors, turning more corners, which is confusing us massively regarding the floor plan of this home, but adding to the 'am I on drugs or is this Cara Delevingne's house' theme that we're sure the model wanted to encourage.
But enough about our spatial awareness, because Cara has just fallen through another secret door and we must enquire.
She leads us through the fake door and up the tiger-clad carpet stairs to a place that she explains was inspired by "escape rooms", and we were thinking more "panic room", but okay...
Up the stairs, there's a wall of hats - to symbolise that the model, in her career, has to "wear many hats", which may be figurative or literal in meaning.
There's also a blurred out statue to the right which we can only assume is either incredibly erotic or...
Next we're taken to the costume cupboard, and before you ask what the best accessory is in there, don't even worry. We've got it.
There's a David Lynch-inspired poker room to the left, where Cara explains that her godmother, Joan Collins (!!) has been teaching her to play Texas hold 'em.
But enough celebrity namedropping, because THERE'S A BALL PIT RIGHT THERE.
Cara proudly claims that "no one can cry in a ball pit," and there may be some reasoning amongst the chaos, kids.
Before you think that everything in this house is getting a bit childish, things take a raunchy route. Cara peels open another hidden wall/door and welcomes us to... the "pussy palace".
It's a velvet-lined, mirrored-ceiling, stripper pole and swing-clad playroom with "lots of balls" and we have questions again, Cara.
...Who is allowed to have sex in here?
...Who has to clean up after someone has sex in here?
...Can you use Ajax Spray 'n Wipe on velvet?
We're a little overstimulated after that house tour, so we're going to head back to our beige living room, to sit on our beige couch and take a big old beige breath.
Feel free to watch the manic Architectural Digest house tour right here:
Feature Image: Architectural Digest + Mamamia.
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