A gynaecologist has been forced to explain why leaving fruit inside your vagina is a bad idea.

I’m at a point where I’m not sure if I should give you some sort of content warning before you deep-dive this article, or if you should be proceeding at your own peril because, well, you’re the one that clicked into this entire thing.

Let’s go with the latter.

Back in February, a thread popped up on Reddit where a woman posed a rather interesting predicament to thousands of her closest strangers.

She explained her marriage had hit a rough patch and that she had asked her husband what she could do to “spice it up”. His response was this:

“Recently, he asked me to stick different things in my vagina, like apples, pears, carrots, etc. and keep in there all they so that he could eat them at night when he came home from work.”

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But don’t worry, because the couple puts precautions in place!

“The fruits we buy are organic, and I spend a good deal of time cleaning them thoroughly,” she wrote.

After appearing in Cosmopolitan, the post caught the attention of gynaecologist Dr Jen Gunter, who felt it her duty to clear up a few misconceptions the post may have shone a light on.

As logical and as concise as can be, Dr. Gunter addressed the story on her on blog, writing, “there are some potential health issues here.” Who’d have thought?

For the uninitiated, Dr. Gunter explains inserting fruit and/or vegetables into your vagina can have these four main health issues:

•  Inoculating the vagina with bacteria and fungi from the fruits/vegetables. Crudely, but rationally, she compares it to leaving a tampon in your vagina for an extended period of time:”If I remove a tampon that has been rogue for more than a few days the smell is usually so bad from the bacteria gone wild that the exam room has to be closed down for the rest of the day, so if small piece of apple or a pea is left behind I can only imagine how that would be the perfect bacterial storm given the vagina is both culture medium and incubator.” Right.
• Abrasions from insertion. It could, Dr. Gunter believes, be “a set up for toxic shock syndrome.”
• Changing the vaginal ecosystem: “There is no way to know what fruits or vegetables could do to the normal, healthy lactobacilli.”
• Irritant reactions. Because, obviously. (My words, not hers.)

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Dr. Gunter goes on to explain that naturally, the longer “organic matter is left in the vagina, the greater the risk”. And considering the woman’s husband wants this stuff kept up there for at least a day, we’ve got ourselves a problem, do we not?

Instead, Dr. Gunter advises anyone so inlined to take the fruit and vegetable path to “spice-up” the sex life, perhaps it’s a good idea to find some safer options.

“There are all kinds of edible undies (probably a NSFW link) and produce-shaped sex toys (also possibly a NSFW link) so there are definitely much safer options. Lots of food can also be incorporated externally into sex,” she writes.

“[However] if it’s something that you just can’t live without then well-washed firmer fruits and vegetables would be safest and absolutely should be covered with a condom.”

So it’s settled, then? Keep your pineapple out of your vagina. It’s not going to end well for anyone, except maybe this Redditor’s husband.