Let me preface this by saying, I know I'm 'lucky', I have a 'doesband'. He enjoys parenting, In fact, he is an active parent. We are complete equals. My kids call for him in the night just as often as they do me. I don't need to pack their bags for the day (although I often check them and add emergency supplies.)
I can't always relate to my friends whose kids cling to them in desperation as they pry their fingers off them to get a moment alone. We've both felt the glow from the warmth of parental preference and felt the sting of rejection.
I had nine months off work each time I had a baby. The first time, I was able to ease back in at three days per week for a few months before going back up to four. My second stint of maternity leave, and most recent, has seen me return to work full time, mostly due to necessity thanks to a combination of the cost-of-living pressures (thank you, interest rate rises!) and a new opportunity at work. The current childcare shortage means my daughter can't get into daycare yet, so my husband is having a period of unpaid parental leave. He is the full-time carer and I am the breadwinner.
Watch: A spoken word video staring Laura Bryne articulating the contradiction of pressures that mothers face in their daily lives. Post continues after video.
As a mother, this comes with a specific set of challenges. Mainly that I'm expected to work full time and also parent full time.
Where does this expectation come from? I acknowledge that it's mostly me.
Hi, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me.
Yet it's also the way society is geared towards assuming that women are always the primary carer. Yes, it's 2023, but not much has changed.
There are still male-dominated industries and workplaces that don't have a blueprint for allowing their employees to work flexibly; it's not something they've ever had to do and some don't want to do it at all.
Although we celebrate the increasing number of big corporations and trendy tech companies offering parental leave to parents - regardless of gender. For the most part, we haven't progressed far enough as a society.
There are mountains of tasks that still sit in my bucket, regardless of whether I'm working or not. Take the actual caregiving aside that is required during maternity leave as well as some of the domestic duties (including the endless amounts of washing, thankfully, that was on my handover document... only joking... sort of.)
I'm basically doing the same amount of work as I was when I was home. The mental work. I know it's cliché and whenever I hear 'mental load' being referred to, it sends my eyes rolling into the back of my head most days, because it's SO boring. Yet it is the reality. No matter how helpful your partner is, the mental load will always fall (in heterosexual nuclear families) to The Mother.
Despite the fact I've not been present at more than a handful of drop offs and pickups from daycare over the last few months - I'm still the parent who gets called first, to digest the days events, to update immunisation records, to send in a family photo to be added onto the family tree in class. Pyjama day is in my diary. As is a reminder to send a teddy bear in for the picnic.
I'm still the parent responsible for filling scripts and booking appointments, the parent that feels the rush of guilt when I realise I'm over three months late for the next shot so my kid doesn't get meningitis.
I'm still culling clothes, organising vacuum seal bags, replenishing winter wardrobes and checking TOG ratings. Organising birthday gifts for the party we have on the weekend, deciding how to celebrate my own kids' milestones and creating invitations and guest lists and checking on dietary requirements.
I'm meal planning and meal prepping to make sure my barely one-year-old has tried all the foods she needs to (that reminds me, she still hasn't tried salmon.)
I'm certain it's not my fault. My husband's algorithm isn't sending him incessant reels about '50 BLW meal ideas'. Mothers are still default, regardless of whether the reality is different.
At the moment I'm not the primary carer. Yet I have all the responsibilities of a full-time job and all the pressure and mum guilt that comes with worrying about spending so much time away from my kids. I'm expected to work like I don't have kids, and parent as if I don't have a job. I know it's the best choice for our family to have it work this way, but that doesn't mean it's easy to navigate when it feels like everything is set up for working mums to fail.
The hardest part? There's no celebration of our choices, and yes, I know, we shouldn't need others to praise or validate us. But let's be honest, we all love a bit of positive feedback now and then. To add insult to injury, not only are my choices often not celebrated, they are judged, ever so slightly (or sometimes very directly) by people who can't understand why I would decide to spend time at work when "these years go by so fast" or "they're only little once" or "they only like you until they're 10, then they couldn't give two hoots" or whatever that viral TikTok was telling me.
Mostly, people are just so shocked that my husband is a stay at home dad. It's the most asked question I get: "How is he coping being a stay at home Dad?", brows raised in concern. Usually followed by a combination of things that are certainly true: "He's such an amazing Dad, what a great man, isn't it fantastic he gets this time with the kids?"
Yes, he is great, and IT IS amazing that my kids have been able to spend so much time with their dad and build such a beautiful bond. I don't take that for granted; I feel lucky. Even though, therein lies the problem.
We need to stop telling women they're lucky for having a partner do mostly what we (mothers) have been doing for centuries? (minus a bunch of the mental load, see above).
We also need to treat fathers with more respect, to assume that the basics of parenting should be so far beyond their reach that we need to make such a huge fuss when they're doing it well? We're in a whole new generation, where Dads can and should be expected to be hands on, and they're completely capable of doing so.
As parents, we make the sacrifices we need to make in order to do what's best for our family. I'm comfortable with my choice, however there are days when deep down I worry it's not the right one.
The next time you encounter a working mother (or any parent for that matter), help her silence that inner critic. Don't tell her she's "lucky" to get days off (there are no days off), or that she's "lucky" to have such a good partner, just tell her she's doing a great job.
Listen to This Glorious Mess below to learn more about mum guilt and how to overcome it.
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