ASK A PSYCH: My partner cheated on me. I want to stay with them, but how do I do that?

Welcome to Mamamia's Ask A Psych. A series where we give the Mamamia audience the chance to ask a psychologist a question they'd love to be professionally answered. This could be anything from relationship stress, mental health confusion, career chaos or parenting dilemmas. If you want to anonymously submit a question for our psychologist, you can do so here. 

This week we hear from someone who seeks advice on how they can move forward with their partner who cheated on them, and how they can heal from it.

How can you heal and move forward with your partner if they have cheated on you?

When we enter into relationships, it’s normal for us to have particular expectations. What we don’t often discuss with our partners at the start of a relationship is what that relationship will look like for us? What are our expectations of ourselves and each other in this relationship? What are the lines we are committed to not crossing while we are in this relationship?

If at some point in our relationship, those lines are crossed, it can feel like our world is falling apart. Sexual Health Australia and Relationships Australia report that around 70 per cent of relationships are estimated to experience infidelity. This estimate may seem really high and confronting, and we’ll probably never know the real rates because infidelity isn’t usually something we talk openly about in our communities.

The first thing to consider if you find yourself in this situation is to seek support for yourself. You will most likely experience anything from shock and anger, to sadness and grief, with often a measure of self-doubt and anxiety thrown in. It’s important to recognise that this emotional rollercoaster is normal, and speaking about it with a trusted friend or a psychologist can help you gain perspective and feel validated.

A psychologist can also help you identify what is important to you moving forward; the values you have which can guide you to making those difficult decisions about the future of your relationship. This can take time. Try to make time and space to consider what your needs are, and whether they are still compatible with your partner’s. Prioritise your own healing and self-care, and know that there is no right or wrong way to move forward.

If both you and they are willing to continue the relationship, it will involve conscious work to rebuild the trust. A couples’ counsellor can help you both work through the emotional aftermath of infidelity and support you and your partner to bolster your communication, intimacy, and reconnection. It’s all about commitment to getting on the same page, and working together to stay on it.

Sahra Behardien O’Doherty is a Registered Psychologist and Director on the Board of the Australian Association of Psychologists Inc. (AAPi), as well as the Director of Mindscape Psychology and Allied Health in Sydney’s Inner West, where she works with adolescents and adults to identify their strengths and build their sense of self-esteem.

Sahra acknowledges the Gadigal and Wangal peoples of the Eora Nation, on whose unceded land she lives and works. You can find Sahra via her website here and her Instagram here. 

DISCLAIMER: The above commentary is not intended to be and should not be taken as psychological therapy or advice. The comments are general in nature and may not apply to any individual’s specific circumstances. If you are distressed by anything you have read, please contact your GP or a mental health professional. For help please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. 

Feature Image: Canva + Mamamia.