"I know you mean well, but please don't give my child THIS for his birthday."

Have you ever received presents like this?

My son had his fourth birthday on the weekend.

We held it at one of those large commercial playcenters. You know the ones, that parents hate and kids love.

There were plastic slides and loud music. There was a cake iced in more sugar than an Oompa Loompah could carry. There were hot chips and hot dogs and goodie bags with brightly coloured lollies that would make any well meaning mum squirm at the thought of just what was in them.

It was an ideal fourth birthday party. And my son had a ball.

After we returned home to open up his presents, well meaning, well wrapped, well intentioned presents but frankly they were so disappointing they left me puzzled.

My son is four folks. He likes dragons and superheroes. He likes dinosaurs and Spiderman. He likes cheap loud flashing plastic swords.

I know writing this will cause contention. I know I will come across as arrogant and ungrateful.

I pre-empt it by saying that I spoke long and hard to my son about how lucky he was to get a gift at all. How his friends had put thought and meaning into his gifts and how, really he needed to simply appreciate the fact that they came to his party and laughed along with him and gave him the joy of friendship.

I explained to him that presents were expensive (while secretly calculating just how much that hand crafted solar wind chime really must have cost).

But he is four folks.

He is blessed with that unique ability all four-year olds have to tell it like it is before political correctness and societal expectations gag us.

Quite frankly he thought all his gifts were boring.

Sorry.

It’s hard to get a four-year old excited about a handmade pot plant holder. The little slip of paper about harvesting seeds and planting them in the paper mache plant holder that Freddy made was well thought out, but its environmental consciousness escaped him.

I tried to get him enthused about the eco crayons or the fair trade toucan but his eyes glazed over as I explained to him the benefits in buying $25 crayons and recycled paper rather than a el-cheapo Toy Story colouring book and textas from the corner store.

The clothing voucher from “Green Clothes” was terrific for me, but again was a tricky concept for a child to grasp (and by the way $75 worth is way too much to spend on a four-year old). But thanks.

Equally as wonderful were the tickets to the local orchestra's recital at Christmas. Unfortunately it was difficult to explain to him just how far away Christmas was, and what the piece of paper meant.

And delightful for me was the stainless steel water bottle. I am sure when he hits his teenage years he will appreciate it, but right now to be totally truthful it was about as interesting as a water bottle is to any four-year old.

I know this sounds ungrateful but the fact is that so much time and effort and money went into these presents that I just want to give you a heads up.

They were all wasted.

What he would have loved was a Spiderman figurine, a sword from the two-dollar store, a packet of squishy dinosaurs. He would be happy with Toy Story books or a footy. A packet of water balloons would have lit up his face.

What we seem to forget in our effort to buy the present with the greatest impact is that the present isn’t for the parents. It’s for kids.

Four-year olds don’t want gift vouchers or tickets for plays.

They don’t want organically grown fair trade drums crafted from only the hippest of Peruvian woods.

They don’t want a mobile crafted from the recycled dung of an African wildebeests.

They just want toys.

And the thing is that a four-year olds birthday party is about the four-year old. So next time save your money. Don’t waste it on recycled wrapping paper and hemp cards. Cause there isn’t a child in the world who would prefer a hand crafted pot plant holder to a neon, headache inducing, battery eating remote control car.

And sadly that’s just reality.

What do you think of birthday gifts like these?

Want more? Try this?

“Dear Parents, it’s a child’s birthday party not a wedding, get over yourselves.”

“I’m putting a ban on birthday parties for my kids.”