'We wrote a book about bringing up girls. Almost every mother had the same response.'

The following is an excerpt from Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves by Kasey Edwards and Dr Christopher Scanlon, a book about the seven pillars all boys need to grow into well-rounded, thriving young men who are ready for anything.

We were sitting in a cafe with three friends and excitedly telling them about our book Raising Girls Who Like Themselves, when, to our surprise, tears started to well in the eyes of one of our friends. "My son doesn't like himself," she said, reaching for a tissue. The second friend sat back in her chair, ran a hand over her face and whispered, "Mine doesn't either." All eyes turned to our third friend, also a mother of a boy. She paused for a moment before speaking. "I don't want to say this out loud," she said, her voice cracking. "But if I'm being really honest, I have to say my boy hasn't liked himself for a while."

We soon noticed our friends weren't the only ones with this concern. The questions started coming in on social media, in our webinars and in emails, and they haven't stopped: "What can I do so that my boy will like himself too?"

While you're here, watch why men are embarrassed to talk about mental health. Post continues after video.

All these people are right to ask this question. Because, as with girls, absolutely everything that we hope and dream of for our boys starts with bringing them up to like themselves. A boy who likes himself will be successful, striving for his goals because he has faith in his ability to achieve them. When he stumbles, he will have the inner strength and resources to pick himself up, learn from his mistakes and move on. A boy who likes himself will have the courage to apologise and make amends rather than leaving a trail of resentment and unresolved conflict. He will be respectful and kind because he will not have to denigrate others or exploit their weaknesses to feel okay about himself. He will have the self-belief to stand up to his critics – and his friends – when it’s the right thing to do. He will have the strength to face and deal with his own pain rather than trying to repress it or offload it onto someone else. A boy who likes himself will prioritise his physical and mental health because it is natural to care for what you love.

We spent ten years researching how to raise a girl who genuinely likes herself, believes in herself, and will go into the world ready for anything. We didn't deliberately exclude boys from our research and writing; since we are the parents of girls, they naturally became our focus. As it turned out, we realised many of the strategies we covered in Raising Girls could help anyone – boys, non-binary children and adults. We have heard from many parents who have applied our strategies to their boys and who have seen profound and life-changing improvements in their boys' self-belief and wellbeing. We share some of these stories in the following chapters. We have also heard from many women who have said that our strategies allowed them to re-parent themselves and to understand why they grew up feeling like they were never good enough. And, most importantly, that it wasn't their fault.

But no matter how much we may wish it were otherwise, there are significant differences in how the world treats girls and boys; differences that affect how they experience the world. Research shows that from the moment a baby boy takes his first breath the world will treat him differently to how it treats girls. This will happen even if his parents are aware of gender stereotypes and try to parent neutrally.

For decades people have been debating, campaigning and legislating to dismantle the social and cultural conditions that limit and restrict our girls. And rightly so. But many of our 'social rules' are also restrictive and damaging to boys. Our society still often expects boys and men to be tough, to not cry, to suppress their emotions, to like sport and hate dancing, to assert their dominance and always be in control, and to never show weakness or ask for help. As Rachel Giese writes in Boys, "We believe that girls can and should play sports, that they're capable of excelling at science and math, that they can be both vulnerable and strong, that they may grow up to be soldiers, presidents, teachers, doctors, and engineers... [b]ut when it comes to challenging gender stereotypes and their effects on boys, we haven’t been nearly as thorough or thoughtful." There is still a 'right' way to be a boy and man. And, as we'll see in the next section, this 'right' way is suffocating them, stunting their growth, sucking the joy out of their lives and in some cases literally killing them.

Boys' report card.

The following report card shows that many of our boys are struggling academically, emotionally, and socially. Fortunately, there are answers to these problems, and we have every reason to be optimistic for our boys and their future prospects. But if we want to get to the solutions, we need to know what we're up against.

Mental health.

Seventeen per cent of boys aged 4–11 experience a mental health disorder.

Suicide.

Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15–44. Seventy-five per cent of those who take their own life are male.

Academic performance.

Boys' academic performance is lagging behind that of girls. According to the Australian Curriculum, Assessment and Reporting Authority (ACARA), girls outperform boys in writing and reading in all tested year levels, with the disparity growing as they get older. In 2022, only 79.2 per cent of boys in Year 9 reached the national minimal level of writing, compared to 89.3 per cent of girls, and only 86.5 per cent of boys reached the national minimum standard for reading, compared to 92.9 per cent of girls.

Reading.

Fifty-three per cent of boys of reading age do not read for pleasure. That's a decline of 13 per cent since 2000. Non-readers perform worse academically, even in maths. They also have poorer mental health, poorer relationships and less empathy.

University entrance.

Boys are 16.3 per cent less likely to obtain a HSC qualification than girls. Their academic performance has fallen so far behind girls' that when it comes to getting into university, being male is now a greater disadvantage than any other recognised disadvantage.

Behaviour.

Boys account for 70 per cent of school suspensions, with suspensions and expulsions starting as early as the first year of school, when boys can be as young as 4 years old.

Body image.

Eating disorders have traditionally been viewed as a "girl problem", but it is estimated that males account for 20 per cent of people experiencing anorexia nervosa, and 30 per cent of people experiencing bulimia nervosa. Almost half of those who experience a binge eating disorder are men. Body dysmorphic disorder, which is 'a mental illness characterised by constant worrying over a perceived or slight defect in appearance', also affects men and appears to be on the rise, as boys are increasingly presented with unrealistic and mostly unachievable male bodies as the ideal.

Image: Booktopia.

Bringing Up Boys Who Like Themselves by Kasey Edwards and Dr Christopher Scanlon is now available for purchase, here. 

Kasey Edwards is a leading Australian columnist and bestselling author of eight books. Dr Christopher Scanlon is a writer, essayist and academic. His work has appeared in The Age, The Sydney Morning Herald, The Australian, The Conversation, The Monthly and Overland.

Feature Image: Supplied/Booktopia/Mamamia.

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