Today is White Balloon Day. Here’s how you can make Australia the safest place on Earth for kids.

By TAMMY ROBINSON

As a child I was sexually abused by my uncle over an extend period of time.

As a result I suffered deep seeded feelings of guilt and shame for most of my life leading to chronic depression and acute anxiety.  Unfortunately my story is all too common and yet these stories are often swept under the carpet and never told.

Hopefully by sharing my story I can help to shine light on this very important topic and support Bravehearts to put a stop to child sexual assault in Australia.

I grew up in a loving family.  My parents were very hard working, loving, caring people.  I have a big extended family and as a child I was close with my siblings and cousins.

The uncle that sexually assaulted me was my favourite uncle and a favourite amongst many of the children.  I was very close to him and in hindsight can see that he had groomed me for years.  He was charming and trusted by everyone.  Unfortunately he was never worthy of this trust.

As I got older we spent more and more time together and he became my confidante.  I became more and more reliant on him for support and advice.  He also cleverly isolated me from my family and friends.  I soon felt he was the only one who was there for me and I did not want to lose him.

The sexual contact started gradually and was very manipulative.  As a result I believed that it was my fault and that if I ever told anyone not only would they not believe me but that it would rip my family apart.  The conflict of feeling I needed his support and the feelings of confusion and disgust about what he was doing to me combined with the belief that telling would destroy my family left me trapped.  I didn’t tell anyone and instead hated myself and believed it when he said “no-one else would love me except him”.

Eventually the assaults became too much and I made a decision to get away from him one way or another.  I seriously considered ending my life but thankfully found another way out.

I convinced my parents to allow me to attend a school over an hour away and boarded there.  I promised myself I would never tell anyone and attempted to build myself a perfect life and tried to be the best person I could be.

As a teenager and young adult I did a pretty good job of pretending it never happened but I felt like a fraud.

I was always trying to be perfect and believed if people knew the truth and what I had done they would hate me.  It was exhausting and I would often get very run down and unwell.

I met my husband at 18 while at university.  He is a wonderful man and thankfully was in no hurry for a serious relationship.  This allowed me plenty of time to learn to trust him and love him.

After 7 years he proposed and I knew I couldn’t marry him without first telling him that I had been sexually assaulted as a child.  I played it all down and told him I had dealt with it and that I was fine.  I think at the time I believed this too.

Things dramatically changed when I was pregnant with our first child.  I was crippled with fear that I would be unable to protect my child.  I started having flashbacks and nightmares.

After our daughter was born I became a very overprotective mum.  I needed to control everything and felt overwhelmed by the pressure of protecting this precious little person.  After the birth of our son the anxiety and depression increased and my relationship with my husband began to deteriorate.

I pushed my family and friends away and isolated myself.  I then began to suffer panic attacks and knew I could no longer hide the truth.  I told a friend, who I had known for over 10 years, about the assaults and how much I was struggling.  She was completely shocked.  I told my husband about how I had been suffering.  He was concerned but relieved that I had finally opened up to him.  They encouraged me to go to counselling which I eventually did.

Counselling was pivotal in my journey of healing.  Unfortunately it was not smooth sailing.  Things got worse before

they got better.

I needed to go back and explore my feelings about what happened, about my family and most importantly my feelings about myself. I wanted to live like the abuse had never happened and it was difficult to accept that it would always be a part of who I was.  I was angry and hated myself and again I thought about ending my life.  Thankfully I had an amazing husband, supportive family and friends and an exceptional counsellor.  With their help I was able to survive and heal.

The biggest impact of the abuse has been on my relationships.  I lost good friends because they could not continue to stand by me during my healing as I was continually depressed, always anxious and unable to be a good friend to them.  My relationship with my parents was strained as I was angry with them for not knowing what happened and not putting a stop to it.

It also affected my relationship with my siblings because they could not see the real me.  I pretended for so long that everything was perfect, that I was perfect and I pushed them away because I did not want them to know the truth.

So many years were lost.

The abuse has also impacted on my relationship with my children.  I will never know what kind of mother I would have been if this had not happened to me.  I am still sometimes over protective of my children and have struggled to trust people such as family, friends and teachers.

My children have had to deal with my anxiety and depression.  I will never forget my daughter’s first school camp.  My anxiety was so high I could barely breathe.  As we left to drop her off she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “I am sorry I made you angry, I do not have to go to camp if you really don’t want me too”.  I never said I did not want her to go but she could feel my anxiety and interpreted it as anger.

Instead of just being able to enjoy the experience of her first camp she was burdened with my anxiety.  I will also never forget the time my son came to my bedside and begged me to get out of bed.

I was severely depressed at the time and he was excited to show me something he had built with lego.  He said “please get out of bed mummy, I promise to be good”.

It broke my heart.

I do not even know how many times my children must have had to deal with my anxiety and depression.   I do not know how that has impacted on them and how it will affect them in the future.  The abuse though has had the biggest impact on my relationship with my husband.  I will never know the type of wife I would have been if my uncle had not done this to me.  It has had a huge impact on my intimate relationship with my husband.  At times I cannot get what my uncle did to me out of my head.  At these times I cannot bear my own husbands touch.  This has caused problems in our relationship as he struggles to help me and I struggle to let him in.

The anxiety has meant we have missed many events (birthdays, weddings, parties) because I have been too anxious to leave the house or too depressed to get out of bed.  This has been extremely difficult and has caused conflict between us.  I have been at times unable to support my husband in his needs because I have been too caught up in my own problems to even realise he needs me.

I am ashamed to say that I have let him down too many times to count.  My biggest regret that the abuse has caused is the fact that I wanted to end my life.  I truly did not believe I could live with what my uncle did to me.  I was severely depressed and everything in my life was falling apart.  I was ashamed and riddled with guilt, I was angry with myself and my parents, I pushed my family and friends away and I could not see a way out.  Death seemed the only way out and I thought about how I could kill myself I lot.

Thankfully after many years of counselling and working hard on healing myself I have been able to tell the truth about what happened and rebuild my relationships with family and friends.

I have confronted my abuser, reported him to the police and faced him in court.  He was convicted and jailed for his crimes.

My journey of healing continues.

It is a life journey of self-discovery. I have more work to do, but I am doing great. Life is not perfect and neither am I and that is okay with me.

I am comfortable with the truth about the sexual abuse and being honest about it. I no longer feel shameful or guilty about what happened. I am no longer angry with myself or with my parents. I have stopped punishing myself and have put the blame where it belongs. I am free to live the life that I deserve.  I feel truly blessed to have had the love and support from my husband, my children, my family and friends. I also feel empowered and want to do all that I can to support Bravehearts and put a stop to child sexual assault.

I believe that together we can make a difference.

My husband and I have already raised over $30,000 for Bravehearts and have signed up for Bravehearts adventures 7 marathons , in 7 states, in 7 days aiming to raise another $20,000.  As part of this challenge and for white balloon day we will be holding a White Balloon Gymnastics Fun Day.  I urge everyone to do their part and help raise awareness and funds as part of Braveheart’s  white balloon day .  Fly a white balloon, attend an event, make a donation or simply share my story.

White Balloon Gymnastics FUN day

Date: Sunday 21st September, 2014

Time: 10am – 2pm

Where: Footscray City Gymnastics Club

10 Mitford Pde

West Footscray, 3012

Cost:    $7 per child

Visit the White Ballon day website here to donate or call (07) 5552 3000.