Dear friends of my boyfriend,
How are you? I know we don’t see each other often enough. I know how hard it is to make and keep plans when we’re all so busy.
In fact, I think I might be struggling to catch up with you all in the future too. But not because this is a schedule-related issue… it’s something worse.
The truth is, I hate hanging out with you guys.
Don’t get me wrong, as people I like you all a lot. Very, very much. You’re funny, interesting and intelligent individuals, but I’ve got some serious problems with you guys as a group. You all share a pretty big flaw, and it makes any social event an awkward cringe-fest for me.
As much as I like you all, and I really do, I feel you guys are lacking in some social skills.
As anyone who has ever dated somebody with a large social group can tell you, meeting the friends is a toughie. The dream is that they will eventually become your friends too, but all too often the reality is far from it.
In the two years I’ve known you all, I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve had a conversation – a proper conversation – and it is not for lack of trying.
You always make an effort to invite me to dinner, or when we catch up for lunch. I’ve been at drinks, birthdays and gigs with you all, but there is just one thing you do that makes it so hard for me to be included. And making someone feel included is more than just asking them to tag along.
All you guys talk about is your shared past. Y’know, stuff I specifically wasn’t there for.
Yes, I know it’s funny to rehash the past, and laugh about the hijinks you got up to in high school. I laughed my head off the first time you talked about it, and the second, but on the 23rd retelling, these stories have not only lost their charm, but are starting to feel like a way to block me out of the conversation.
I can’t share your outrage that whatshisname and whatsherface are dating now, or how funny it was that time that something happened to you guys and it was seriously SO FUNNY.
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Top Comments
If everyone else likes those topics of conversation and you're the only one who doesn't, then I'm afraid you're in a 'suck it up' type situation here. Also, you're going to have much more success if you take this issue to your boyfriend, rather than to the friends. It's his job to help you feel more included, not something that should necessarily fall on their shoulders.
Excluding others from conversations is a form of social closure in order to protect the original friendship group. Not all groups do this. Some evolve and welcome newcomers and are more interesting by far. My husband has several groups of friends. One group do exactly what is described in this story. They are a close clique of friends who grew up together and they want their group to stay as it was way back when. I don’t enjoy hanging out with them and avoid their group gatherings when possible. Though several of them are great company on their own and away from the group dynamic. My husband’s other friendship group is completely welcoming and we a lot more interesting conversations, laughs and I look forward to socialising with them. As a result we prioritise spending time with this group. I have been with my husband for 10 years and have been able to observe the differences in the groups for a long time.