Ask Sean: "I've been with my boyfriend for three years. Now he doesn't want to have sex."

When it comes to figuring out men, it sometimes pays to skip the girl talk and head straight to the source. This column is my advice on your most burning questions about guys. And since I’m gay, I’m kind of halfway inside your head already. Let’s dive in!

This week, you asked:

“I’ve been with my partner for three years. In the last few months, he’s no longer interested in sex. He’s affectionate in other ways, but I’m still left feeling rejected. What should I do?”

I believe that nothing is more important than sexual fulfilment. That might not be a polite thing to tell a lady. But without fulfilment, all other things in a relationship can’t flourish. You say your partner is “affectionate”. That’s nice. Affection is nice. But passion? That’s essential.

There are a few different things that could be causing this sexual drought. He might be struggling at work and coming home bored or frustrated. Or he might be killing it at work, and coming home spent.

It’s also possible that he’s addicted to porn. It sounds silly, but it’s a common issue. Studies have shown that porn fuels unrealistic expectations about what sex should be, which can make men less satisfied with their partner.

He could also be depressed, or ill, or struggling with low libido. Heck, he could be a terrible, horrible, no-good homicidal cheater who’s constructed a Killing Eve-style fantasy world of subterfuge and deception.

Watch: How to have better sex. Post continues after video.

But I don’t actually like wasting time on hypotheticals.

The fact is, you don’t know what’s causing this problem. And what’s getting in the way of you finding out is, well… you. You’re the only one who can get the answer.

If you’ve been left feeling rejected for multiple months due to a lack of sex in your long-term relationship with someone you love, then you need to speak up about it.

I don’t think sex is the problem. Communication is.

Go home tonight, pour a big glass of red wine, and tell him how you feel. Don’t worry about the “right thing” to say. Just dive in and acknowledge that there’s a problem.

Don’t focus on him during the conversation. Make it about you. He already knows there’s a problem, and he might be a bit embarrassed about it. So the best way to get him to talk to you is to make it clear what impact his actions (or lack thereof) are having on you.

Say things like “when we don’t have sex, I’m left feeling unsexy” and “this is a problem for me and I need it to change if we’re going to last”.

And then, no matter how he responds or what his reasons are, it’s out there in the world. This nasty feeling you’ve been suppressing for months will no longer be a secret. It will be a real, tangible thing that can’t be taken back or ignored. You will, for better or for worse, be forced to take steps towards addressing the problem. And that’s worth its weight in lube.

And then there’s you. If you’re being completely honest with yourself, are you giving everything to the relationship? You may very well be, but it takes two to tango. And two to dry up a sex life. I’d be remiss if I didn’t flag that you may be part of the problem, too.

I’d suggest that you try spicing things up a bit. Exploring fantasy role play or sex at different times of day could work. Maybe you’ll need to invest in some new toys, or schedule intimate nights to get back into the groove of things? I’d simply ask him what’s missing in the bedroom and then be open to exploring those things. Then – and only then – can you know that you’ve done everything possible to spice things up again.

If it still doesn’t work, and he doesn’t seem interested in fixing it, it might be time to kick his ass to the curb. Nobody – I repeat nobody – should get in the way of you and a good orgasm.

Good luck!

Sean Szeps is a freelancer, and Mamamia’s resident Agony Uncle. To ask him a question, you can email submissions@mamamia.com.au. You can also follow Sean on Instagram, or listen to him on Mamamia’s parenting podcast, The Baby Bubble.