'I had to lose you to find myself.' A letter to my boobs after my double mastectomy.

Dear my girls,

I often place my hands on the space you both used to sit.

I press down like an iron remembering the warmth you both left that now feels cold and numb.

Your absence is reflected in the most intimate of moments. I have photos to remember you by but it is way too early to gaze at those and what purpose would it serve?

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But like an unfurling fist that has been clenched for way too long, your loss has returned oxygen to aspects of myself that I buried under my to-do list and tasks that filled every moment of my waking life.

I no longer fight back tears, but instead, I cry. Silent cries, loud cries, angry cries, marathon-like cries, ugly cries. I think I've experienced them all.

If the body keeps the score, I've been on a losing streak until now. 

I'm no longer anxious about the appearance of my body, but in awe of what my body can do.

And after all this time, I realised that I was only ever in a competition of one.

You both reminded me of the influence I have as a mother, a sister, a daughter, a wife, and a friend.

I'm determined.

I've always known that about myself, but I am now using that to normalise living life without replacing the both of you.

My creativity is no longer scooped up like leftover crumbs from a hastily put-together dinner.

Here it is: my creativity on a platter. Well considered, deeply reflective, in the form of this letter.

What a shame. I had to lose you both to find myself.

Kris O'Neill shares life after a double mastectomy. Image: Supplied.

This is a letter to my breasts - both of which I lost after being diagnosed with high-grade ductal carcinoma in situ which is an early form of breast cancer.

Although I caught this cancer early, the mass was too large to save my left breast and with deep thought consideration and many other factors,I chose to undergo a double mastectomy and not have a reconstruction. I was 41 years old. 

I did not have to fight to go flat like so many other women in the world have to but I did have to ask for it.

Beyond surgery and physical recovery, there is still not enough guidance on how to address my grief or navigate my wobbly moments.

To combat this, I have started Breast Case Scenario, along with my 'breast friend' Cass. It's a podcast supporting women to navigate their lives after their titties have been terminated.

Breast Case Scenario with Kris and Cass podcast. Image: Supplied.

It aims to change the perceptions about mastectomy with light, laughter, greatness and reflection. We are in the midst of growing a like-minded community of women and men, and we'd love for you to come and join us.

Read more of our stories about Breast Cancer:

• 'While I was going through cancer, my husband left me. He said I was "too high maintenance."'
• Sarah Michelle Gellar and Shannen Doherty talked daily. Gellar just shared a special message to her friend.
• 'I'm 35 and dying of breast cancer. I'm not devastated.'

Feature image: Supplied.