"This happened. I cried. And everyone was watching."

By NATALIA HAWK

A few weeks ago, I got punched in the boob at touch football.

And no, it was not accidental. It was a direct hit, administered by someone on the other team who was evidently feeling overly competitive.

So how did I react? I burst into tears and stormed off the field, like the mature adult that I am. The incident has since gone down in history as the most embarrassing moment of my sporting career.

To explain a bit further: I play touch every Tuesday in a mixed competition, which means there are boys and girls and everyone has a lovely not-really-competitive time. If we win, we go out for Chinese food to celebrate. If we don’t win, we go out for Chinese food anyway.

I turned up one Tuesday feeling quite under the weather. I’d been battling a headache for 48 hours and it was making me progressively crankier. I’d tried curing the headache with Panadol, Panamax, Nurofen, water, hydralites, sleep, low lighting and relaxation. Nothing had worked. I thought exercise might just be the answer.

Friend: “Are you sure you are okay to play?”

Me (looking away to try and disguise crazy eyes): “Oh yes.”

Friend: “… How much Panadol have you taken?”

Me (excessively cheerful): “I am on a COCKTAIL of pain killers!!!!!”

Friend: “…… Just stay off for the first half of the game.”

Like a good team player, I did stay off the field. I rested up until it was time for the second half and ran on. The other team started running towards us, throwing the ball to each other. A girl from the other team got the ball and ran towards me. “I’ve got her!” I cried, merrily running up with my hand outstretched to touch her.

But she beat me to it. Because that’s when she looked at me, reached out with her fist and punched me directly in the boob.

It made a rather loud noise and then I responded with an equally loud “OUCH!” Everyone then kept playing while I grabbed my boob and held it for a minute.

Then I burst into tears, stormed off the field and stood on the sideline while trying very hard to hide my crying from everyone else. I was in pain, but I was also quite shocked. Touch is a non-contact sport. Not a lot of boob-punching generally goes on.

Friend (also standing on sideline): “You are definitely not okay.”

After the game, when you’re supposed to walk around and say thank you to the entire other team, I put aside my shame and tried to seek out an apology.

I walked up to the girl and confronted her about the incident. “I just want you to know that it really hurt when you punched me in the boob. You should be more careful when touching people next time,” I said, sounding much like a sulky six-year-old, my eyes all red and puffy.

“I didn’t punch you,” she replied, looking at me as though I was an insect, “but if I hurt you, then I’m sorry.” Then she turned around and laughed it off with all her friends. And I was overcome with embarrassment once again.

Although I sustained no long-lasting injuries to my boob, the incident has now become a long-running joke amongst my touch team that comes up at least once at every game. I expect it will be coming up well into the winter season when we probably have to verse the team again. Oh, the shame.

So. I’d like you all to make me feel better by sharing your most embarrassing sporting experiences.

Although I’ve kicked you off with the above, I’ll happily share another one: I once fell off the assisted chin-up machine at the gym and it made a noise so loud that I swear the walls shook. The friend helping me was so embarrassed that she tried to leave without me. Actually, come to think of it, I haven’t seen her since…

When have you cried in public? What’s been your most embarrassing sporting experience?