I thought I was over all of the blended family bullshit issues but I’m not. Sometimes it seems like I’m never going to out from under it and almost twenty years later it’s starting to wear a little bloody thin.
As the “new wife” I have forever been cast into the role of “interloper” when it comes to my husband’s first family, not by his mother or his beautiful boys, but by his children’s mother and all of her posse. This is despite the fact I have always done whatever I could to be respectful of her in thought and deed.
I needn’t have bothered
I may as well have told her how I really felt about her which is that I think she is crazy and delusional and so intent on playing the victim that she can’t even bring herself to do what is right by her own children, like attending their engagement parties and weddings.
So far she hasn’t turned up to several family events just because I might be there.
Families can be so complicated. As part of our Mamamia Confessions series we asked, “What’s the worst thing your in laws have ever done? Article continues after this video.
Last time I checked I wasn’t some sort of deranged mistress. I simply fell in love with a man who had been separated from his wife for four years. Each of them had different partners at the time. He eventually broke up with his to date me.
I didn’t bust in on a happy family and steal the man using my feminine wiles. I just started dating a work colleague, fell in love, we got married and now we have kids of our own.
When we first got together the blended family bullshit was kept well-hidden. Everyone was on their best behaviour. Then two years in, seemingly out of nowhere and with little warning, it started to flare up. Everyone started telling some cold, hard truths. The boys struggled with their feelings for me because they felt disloyal to their mother. She did nothing to discourage that and I became used to feeling like a stranger in my own home.
She refused to meet me. Aside from a couple of phone calls during which she yelled at me for offences such as feeding her children chocolate every other weekend and telling my boyfriend at the time that she had plans to run off with his kids, there wasn’t much she could hold against me.
Now, almost twenty years later we still haven't met. It just became too big and too awkward.
I thought for sure I'd meet her at an engagement party but she refused to turn up because I would be there. What the fuck? Seriously?
It's just annoying now because our first meeting is probably going to be at my stepson's wedding. I told my stepson I understand if he'd prefer I didn't attend so his mum feels more comfortable but his exact words were, "No way!" His fiance then explained that his family was messed and so was hers so they were just going to invite everyone and whomever wants to come can come.
Anyone who doesn't want to come or wants to cause a problem can stay the hell home.
I love those two so damn much.
What has made it even more awkward is the fact my daughter is going to be a flower girl which means not only am I attending the wedding but I am going to be front and centre with my daughter, flaunting my family in front of her face.
Because I care that much about taunting someone who gave birth to my two beloved stepchildren. Because I'm that freaking shallow.
I just want to live my life and stop feeling like I have done something wrong, like my love is wrong, like my marriage is wrong and my children are wrong.
All because it upset her at the time.
It started twenty years ago. Can't we move the hell on?
Being in a blended family sucks. Sometimes it's okay. I get nice, long breaks from all of the bullshit but now when shit happens it seems to be big shit, not little shit.
Like we are making up for lost time.
This wedding of two people whom I love to death is filling me with such extreme anxiety I am thinking of having a minor car accident just to legitimately avoid going, which is ridiculous, of course I'm going.
Part of me hopes she doesn't turn up so I can relax and enjoy myself, so that nobody is there to stare daggers and me and my beautiful children but for my stepson, I want her to come. Every child deserves their parents to be at their wedding.
I'll be devastated for him if she's not.
Top Comments
Yes there are 3 sides to every story but some people are clearly still hurt by their parent’s or ex spouses (or family member) decisions. And there is nothing wrong with that, but these comments seem a tad bit immature..
Maybe you've done something unconsciously that pissed the mom off..maybe? But in reality, as an adult we should be able to talk and either come to common terms or learn to agree to disagree. You don’t have to be BFFs, but you do have to find a place of mutual respect in order to have some level of peace. In what I’ve seen, blended families don't generally work unless one of the parents is a deadbeat or you have two mature individuals who have COMPLETELY moved on. I think a lot of issues come when someone is still hanging on to a thread of “we could possibly work” and that’s the starting point of a lot of the drama. Why care so much that your ex has moved on? Is their new partner respecting boundaries and your children? If so…there shouldn't really be an issue.
I'm in a situation where I've been dating a guy with an ex-wife and 5 year old. They were over when she was 2 and I met him right before her 3rd birthday. Like you, I was probably not the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person he dated after the divorce. I also COMPLETELY understand what you mean about the boys having trouble with their feelings for you...my BF's daughter liked me until the mom threatened and damaged some of my personal property in front of her. It's still a mystery why her mom decided that was how our first meeting should have played out. I only managed to say a few things to her and then stood in awe as she had a full on temper tantrum. She has since been charged with a misdemeanor malicious destruction of property (so the jury didn't understand this behavior either) and is now responsible for paying me back, going to anger management, and staying away from me. Now his daughter won’t even look my way, she doesn’t even show me the slightest respect (e.g. simple hi and bye), and told me my Christmas gifts to her sucked and her mom’s were better. I'm not complaining or losing any sleep over it because she's 5 and doesn't fully understand wrong from right. Thankfully my BF is sensitive to this and steps in and corrects her behavior when she is disrespectful. The mom even went as far as telling the daughter that I was trying to send her to jail…accepting zero responsibility for her actions. So it's no wonder I'm seen as the enemy. However, that incident should’ve been a teaching moment where she let her daughter know that is not the correct way to behave or there are consequences, jail being one.
Bottom line “everyone” hates the new wife/GF because we are outsiders and have a different perspective. Sometimes no one really hates us, but it FEELS like they do so we adjust our behaviors based on our perceptions…Sometimes we can see things that people involved in the daily drama can't because they are too involved. Sometimes there is a real reason, and maybe we’ve overstepped a boundary or 2 or 10.
Then there is the whole controversial mindset that "kids should come first"...in what world does that happen and end in a successful relationship? My parents have been married for 37 years and my mother always told me that when I grew up and left the house she would still have to be a wife. My mom knew how to prioritize her role as wife and mother yet all of my needs as her child were always met. I didn't always understand this but it’s clear now that I’m in this situation. Putting kids first in any relationship is the quickest way to a break up or divorce! Yes, child(ren) should be a priority but they do not need to be the very first priority. Research has even shown, to raise healthy kids, put your marriage first and your kids second. If you don’t ever make your relationship a priority you will probably not ever get to the marriage part. Ok, so what if you don’t want to get married and you’re happy being a single parent? You still need to make yourself a priority and then you are able to make the best decisions and be the best you for your kid or kids at that point. Perfect example is when airlines tell adults to put their oxygen masks on before assisting the children flying with them… if you run yourself into the ground, who will parent your kids?!