Rosie Waterland reviews Black Swan. Spoiler alert: It’s hilarious.
Sometimes all a girl needs is a sandwich. That’s the overall moral I took from the 2010 artsy ‘you probably don’t get most of this’ masterpiece, Black Swan.
Starring Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis as two very skinny ballerinas, the film was universally acclaimed, and earned an Oscar for Portman (which, along with her degree from Harvard, officially pushed her into perfect human territory).
The movie begins with Winona Ryder, the dance company’s prima ballerina, getting fired for being too old and haggard. She’s about 35. No word on whether there was also any shoplifting involved.
Winona getting booted means that now there’s a free spot for a new girl to be the head ballet honcho. When it’s announced that the next show will be Swan Lake, desperation among the ballerinas to land the lead is high. Getting the lead in Swan Lake for a ballerina is like what getting Lisa Wilkinson’s job is for Aussie TV personalities. The best of the best.
Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by Telstra. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.
Natalie Portman is, like, super desperate to land the part. She’s also super freaking weird, since she lives at home with her equally weird stage mother who definitely once put her on Toddlers and Tiaras.
She auditions for the part, but the sleazy director is all, “Soz, you have perfect technique but you really need to loosen up.” (Code for, you kind of have to sleep with me if you want the role).
But poor Nat is too uptight, and also, you know, in charge of her own body, so she refuses sexy-times. When the director tries to kiss her, she gets annoyed and bites his tongue. He considers that proof of her passion and gives her the part. Hooray.
But, aside from the tongue attack, Natalie struggles in rehearsals to bring enough passion to the role. Sleazy director man keeps telling her to look at Mila Kunis, who isn’t technically perfect but has all the pizazz that poor Nat lacks.
It’s at this point that Natalie starts to go a little loco. She starts seeing some really weird shit, but it’s probs all just down to her being really, really hungry.
Mila feels really bad that Nat is like, totes jelly of her mad skills, so she invites her out for a night of partying, which, super randomly, ends with Nat and Mila having some… special time together.
Nat approaches Mila about it in the morning, and Mila is all like, “What the hell are you talking about, psycho? I went home with some random dude last night.” That’s when Nat really figures out that she’s totally losing it – everybody knows that you don’t hallucinate sexy times with your mortal dance enemy unless you’re going completely bonkers.
Natalie gets more and more jealous of Mila, and starts seeing weirder and weirder stuff. She’s convinced Mila is trying to steal her lead role, which she really wants to keep since she’s going to have to retire when she’s an old bag in her early thirties.
The opening night of the show arrives, and after a big fight with her mum in which her mum’s all, “Dude, you’re losing your freaking mind. You really need to eat something.” But Natalie is all like, “Move aside. Time for me to be a star.”
That altercation causes her to be late, and when she arrives at the theatre, Mila is all set to go on as the Swan. Natalie loses it, and during intermission, they get into a fight in her dressing room and Nat stabs Mila with some mirror and she dies. OR DOES SHE?
Natalie has lost her mind, remember? Was Mila even in her dressing room? Is she even a ballerina at all? If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s there to hear it etc etc etc?
I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but let’s just say ballerinas are nutsburgers, the ballet is more brutal than the Thunderdome, and everyone in this movie just needs to settle the frig down and eat a big bowl of pasta.
Guaranteed though: You will be hooked from beginning to end.
What did you think of the film?
Click through to see other films starring Natalie Portman…
Starring Natalie Portman
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