Tired of Thigh Gap getting all the headlines, Bikini Bridge is now a thing.

Yo. When you lay down on the beach or by the pool, do your hip bones stick out enough that your bikini bottoms are slightly lifted causing a gap between them and your lower abdomen?

Yeah ha, you read that correctly.

If you answered ‘yes’ to that question then congratulations! You have attained a ‘bikini bridge’ and your pony will be arriving in the mail any day now.

This is a thing now. I’m not kidding.

I have been lead to believe that the ‘bikini bridge’ is the next “thigh gap”.  What’s a thigh gap? Don’t worry about it, the thigh gap is so 2013.

This is why we can’t have nice things humanity!

If you are considering dieting to acquire a bikini bridge – don’t.

If you are naturally thin and have one – I just don’t care.

If you don’t have one – see above.

To tell you the truth, I am a little disappointed the bikini bridge is the best someone could come up with to follow on from the thigh gap. Like what has happened to the Anchorman franchise with that terrible sequel – I can’t even talk about that situation yet.

I can think of at least three equally pointless things we can do to compare ourselves to other women that shit on the thigh gap and the bikini bridge.

For instance, the Pittboob. Women who have breastfeed will have a distinct advantage here. Lay on your back bra-less and allow gravity to do it’s thing. Do your boobs fall far enough apart that you can comfortably tuck them under your armpits? They do?! Congratulations –  you have achieved Pittboob.

While we are in the chestal region, why not try Musical Nips? Tweak your nipples, grab a couple of CDs and see if you can successfully hang them off both of your breasts. If your nipples are not exactly the right size, you will find this one quite a challenge. If you can’t do it, I would look into some nippleplasty yesterday.

If your hands don’t have a weight issues yet, they will after this!

Place your palms together in a prayer position, now interlock your fingers so that they are tightly clasped. Do all your fingers fit between you knuckles easily? They do? Well done, you have an adequately proportioned finger to knuckle gap ratio. Pop that one on the resume! If not, time for those hands to hit the salads.

If the bikini bridge is real or fake I don’t care, the fact that someone even thought of it makes me want to eat angry bacon.

This is up there with the current #Neknomnate dickery happening on my Facebook. You don’t even want to know what that is..

You do?

One idiot films themselves skulling a bottle of alcohol and then nominates someone else in the video to do the same, that person is tagged and so it goes on. I am treating it like natural selection for my Facebook friends, if anyone does it I remove them from my feed immediately.

Back to the Bikini Bridge, on a practical level, doesn’t that operation allow others to see your pubes? Wait.. Do we have pubes? Are they in or out?

I guess if you have vajazzeled them a bikini bridge would allow maximum exposure, but what about the draft? I don’t want a stiff wind blowing down there. Do you?

That’ll do, Em. That’ll do.

We don’t care if you have a thigh gap or a bikini bridge. BUT do you have pittboob? Or Musical Nips? Or even a proportioned finger to knuckle gap ratio?