Big Brother is back, baby.
The mystical world of turkey slaps, bum dances, cheating spouses and weird sleep disrupting games will be joining us in our lounge rooms once again in 2020.
Given the OG Big Brother house was recently incinerated, we’re super keen to see where the new digs will be – but first, the new owners of the reality TV show (Channel Seven) have to find them some willing participants to chuck into the fishbowl.
Remember in 2005 when the Logan brothers went in as one and had to get in the nude to change spots? Ah, mems. Post continues after video.
You can apply to be on the show here, but to save you the trouble of filling in a few pages of boring details to get to the juicy bits, we’ve fake applied for you and wowza, are the questions intense.
We also thoroughly enjoy that we no longer have a name, we are a number, applicant: b5213a-1-774105.
It felt a little bit like we might actually be applying for ASIO, except the questions aren’t trying to find out if we’d be suitable spies, they’re mining us for every little bit of juice in our backstory.
Here’s what they want to know:
- If you could invite three people (dead or alive) to dinner who would they be and why?
- What makes you interesting?
- What are the qualities you least like and most like in your parents?
- What is the funniest thing that has happened to you recently?
- If you could only choose one song to play every time you walk into a room for the rest of your life what would it be and why?
- On a scale of 1 to 10 how lucky are you and why?
- Tell us something that is true, that almost nobody agrees with you on?
- How would you convince someone to do something they didn’t want to do?
- What is your least favourite thing about humanity?
- If there was a movie produced about your life, who would play you and why?
- Are you in a relationship?
- How long have you been together?
- What is your partner’s name and what do they do for a living?
- Where did you both meet?
- What is the best and worst thing about them?
- What would your partner think about you being on BB?
- Have you ever had a relationship that you were ashamed of?
- What are your parent’s names and professions?
- What’s the biggest thing your parents have taught you?
- Do you have any siblings? List their names and ages.
- Are you close to your family?
- Describe your childhood?
- What would your family think about you being on BB?
- Do you have a large or small group of friends?
- What do you think is important in a friendship?
- Have you ever lied to any of your friends?
- How would your close friends describe you?
- Tells us something about you that your friends wouldn’t know?
- What makes you angry?
- When did you last lose your temper?
- What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done?
- What do you do for fun?
- What is your best and worst physical feature?
- When did you last get embarrassed?
- What are your good qualities?
- What are your bad qualities?
- What is your attitude to monogamy and fidelity?
- What habits about others irritate you?
- Do you have any enemies? Who and why?
- Do you have any phobias?
- Do you believe in God or another religion? If so, which one?
- What is your attitude to people who have an entirely different religion?
- Do you try to convince them to convert to yours?
- Describe an event that changed your life?
- What, if anything, is your biggest regret?
- If you could change one law in Australia, what would it be and why?
- When did you last feel lonely?
- What do you do when someone shouts at you?
- What do you do when someone ignores you?
- When was the last argument you had and what was it about? What was the outcome?
- Have you ever been owed money? What did you do about it?
- If you were selected for BB, how would you first be perceived by the other housemates?
- Would their perception be accurate and how would it differ to how they would see you at the end of the series?
- What will you add to the house?
- What sort of people wouldn’t you like in the house?
- What is the one thing you wouldn’t want your fellow housemates to find out about you?
- What would make you the best BB housemate?
- Why are you applying for the show?
- Why should we pick you?
- How did you hear about applications?
- Is there anyone else you know who is applying? If so, what is their name and their relationship to you?
- What would your biggest strength be when it comes to social situations?
- What would your weakest skill/trait be when it comes to social situations?
- Apart from the challenge, what is your main motivation for applying to be on BB?
- What has been the toughest challenge you have faced in your life?
- Where do your moral boundaries lie in the BB house?
- Is there anything else you need to tell us?
- Are you in good physical condition?
- What sports do you take part in?
- In sport, what do you do when you lose?
- What other things beside sport make you feel good?
- Do you smoke?
- How much alcohol do you drink if at all?
- Have you tried drugs? What did you think? What do you think about them now?
- Do you suffer from mental illness?
- Have you ever had an operation?
- Have you had any medical condition?
- Are you taking any medication? If so, what is it?
- Are you prepared to take a medical examination if required?
- Have you ever visited a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist or are you seeing one currently?
- When and what for?
- Are you prepared to take a psychological test?
- Have you ever been arrested or charged with or convicted of any crime (including drink driving?)
- Have you ever had an adverse finding against you which may have resulted in any type of fine, penalty or restriction by a Court in a civil case, or any body or Tribunal, Regulatory Authority, professional body or similar?
- Are you currently a party to any Court or Tribunal proceedings for any type of civil or criminal matter, which remain outstanding or unresolved?
- Do you have a current driver’s licence?
- Do you have a current passport?
- Do you have any skeletons in your closet, eg, jilted lovers, sex tapes, unauthorised photos?
- Have you ever applied for a TV show? If so, please list. What stage did you get to once applied?
- Have you ever APPEARED on a TV show? If so, please list.
So if and when you get past the 90 questions stripping you bare of every last secret in your life, where to then?
Well, it’s likely you’ll have to send in a little video introducing yourself and then if you get past THAT stage, you get to go back to drama class…