by REBECCA SPARROW
“Rebecca!” called out a voice from somewhere behind me.
My insides crumpled. Had I left my ATM card at the cash register? Had I dropped my driver’s licence and not noticed?
You see I was in the supermarket carpark of a small South Australian town. The type of town that has a population of 13,000 people. A town where I knew nobody. So when somebody calls out your name … it can only be a bad thing. Right?
“Rebecca!”
I turned.
And there in front of me was a woman with blonde hair and a wide generous smile. A woman who looked about my age.
‘Are you Rebecca?”
“Yes,” I said, possibly sounding weary. Or skeptical. Or both.
And that’s when the blonde woman – a woman I’ll call May* – gripped my arm, got tears in her eyes and started to talk.
About Mamamia. And how the site makes her feel connected to the world. About the fact she too has lost a child.
And we talked – for maybe 10 minutes or so – while Fin gurgled in the trolley and Ava hid behind my legs (and, you know, attempted to pull my pants down) about how much May loved the site. What it meant to her life. Even though she didn’t agree with all the opinions expressed (Me neither, May!). Even though she’d watched the site change so much since she first started logging on years ago.
It didn’t matter.
“It’s a place for me to just plug into the world, to read opinions, to feel a part of things, ” she said.
And I knew exactly what she meant. Because that’s how I used to feel (and still do feel) when I first started logging on to Mamamia back in 2008. Long before I ever became part of the Mamamia team.
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Late to respond but hey, here we go:
BEST: Two weeks in Europe and meeting up again with hot Italian guy. Being kissed on the clifftop overlooking Positano is a memory I will have forever. Sigh.
WORST: My best friend. She was on the trip with me and managed to rain daily on my love parade. She said he was weird, strange looking and probably married. Not once was she happy for me. It was such a bummer.
Your trip sounds divine. Sorry to hear about your friend.
Could it be perhaps she felt left out? I know it'd royally pee me off if the plan was for me and a friend to hang out, only to be dumped off. Maybe for the time you were planning to share with the italian Stallion on the trip, you could have parted ways with your friend if you planned to spend most of your time with him, and met up again afterwards in another town?
Hey Anon
Actually I had planned to go on this trip by myself but she invited herself along - which was okay but I said to her from the outset that I would be meeting him and I wouldn't be changing my original plans.
She was okay with that but when push came to shove, she was - as you say - royally peed off. She got the hump big time when he asked her if we could have some time alone - and it ended up being only five or ten minutes here and there as she was ALWAYS with us. And then when he left, she would criticise him endlessly and say really nasty, personal things.
Anyway, I just had to let it go but it was disappointing. I would be cheering for her if the shoe was on the other foot.
OMM, Having a bit of a weird week. I kind of feel like my inner critic somehow managed to escape this week and all of the thoughts I normally toss around my head are coming at me from family, friends and work colleagues. By Friday I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I'll be 28 this year and have hit the bare minimum of life goals that I should have. I feel that I am heterosexual and am attracted to men, but men just aren't interested in me so I've never had a boyfriend or been kissed. It normally doesn't bother me that much but I really don't like being reminded by everyone.
My sister asked me this week if I wanted her to hold onto the baby things she has left over from my nieces for me and I told her not to bother since I just don't think it will happen for me. As much as I'd love to have a family, how many people have you heard of that haven't atleast made some progress by now? So I'm really hoping that people will have moved on this week and leave me to my thoughts.
Oh Kylie, it's honestly not as strange as you think - and you have LOADS (bucketloads!) of time left to have a family. If you feel that the men around you aren't interested, you just need to get a new scene, make some new friends - especially as it sounds like the ones you have are bringing you down. And maybe shake things up a bit, try some new things, go travel somewhere, find new passions - sometimes when we're around people we've known a long time, we feel trapped to behave a certain way.
But when we're around new people, or in new places, we can suddenly become a lot more free to be our true selves, more outgoing, more approachable - give it a try, it honestly works! xx
I think you might be suffering from situational anxiety or depression and the best thing to start with (even if it doesn't turn out to be the case) would be to talk to Beyond Blue, or a counsellor (your local council maybe be able to suggest a few in your area).
First it is important to get your mind feeling and thinking positive. Don't let things continue to overwhelm you. Talking to an objective person (i.e. non family, non friend, non colleague would probably help you get it all out there and work on some of the issues and emotions and thoughts you have.
It sounds as if the thing bothering you most is your romantic situation, or lack thereof. It’s totally understandable – I can utterly relate being 32.5 and single since the last 6.5 years myself.
I understand that when well-meaning people say stuff like: “don’t worry, you’ll meet someone” “it’ll happen eventually” “you’ve got to just put yourself out there” it is actually deeply frustrating.
A few things I have found helpful in taking back control of your life and feeling well and hopeful:
- being active and going on daily brisk walks, plus to the gym a couple of times per week – the endorphins help, plus once I gained more confident and got to know some people it was a healthy distraction. Drinking enough water and getting enough sleep are also big deals.
- come up with ways of boosting your confidence, putting a spring back in your step, and being approachable. I know I’ve had times I retreat into myself a bit, which hasn’t helped me improve my situation. My own current strategy is to find some single outgoing female friends who’ll join m in socialising as my current friends are either partnered, and the single ones are choosing work over trying to get out there and meet more men. The right guy is very unlikely to just roc up at my door one day with a bow on him! In accepting that, I am going to do something about it.
- try your best not to compare your life goals / timeline to others around you. I understand how hard it is because I had the habit. If that thought comes up try and dismiss it. We’re not all on the same timeline by any means. It is unproductive and unhelpful. Promise!
- get your other affairs in order. For me having multiple super funds and two tax returns due in kept me awake at night so I just made myself get it all done. Took several calls, lots of going over paperwork and an appointment but that’s a load of my mind. What else might be holding you back? Tackle it!
- book a makeover at Mecca Cosmetica or Mecca Maxima, or Kit (stores within Myer usually). You can redeem the cost of the makeover on their skin care or makeup products, plus it’ll give you a boost and a feeling of reinvention. You might prefer a new hair colour or something instead?
Final bit of advice regarding the people around you being critical or upsetting – accept that they do mean well, and just tell them: "thanks for your input. I understand you mean well, but your advice / comment is actually not assisting while I have made a commitment this year to think positively and work towards my goals.” If they press you for details, tell them - in a nice way - to mind their own business! E.g. “I’m not ready to share the details just yet. I’ll ask for your support if I need it, I know that you are there, so thanks”.
Thanks so much neola and cim, some great suggestions there for me to try out:) I just let everything get to me and was getting a bit overwhelmed, but it's nice to know that people care. I'll let you all know how I go:)