Content warning: This story discusses an abusive sex relationship and may be triggering for some readers.
I remember the first time I was used for sex, I thought it was empowering. I thought I was making the choice to have casual sex. I didn’t realise the systemic beliefs that underpinned the fact that even if I thought he was ugly, selfish and rude, the only way I was going to be appreciated by him was by sex. He knew he would get one thing from me and that was all he wanted and it felt transactional. But it also felt tired, like he did this to women all the time. After we had sex I felt dirty. I got out of his apartment as quickly as possible, and went straight to my psychologist.
After I broke up with my first real boyfriend, I felt that feeling again: the feeling that the only way I would be recognised by men was to have sex with them. I gave out blow jobs to anyone that blinked at me. I didn’t enjoy it, but I felt that maybe by doing this I was empowering myself as a woman; by taking away the emotion from sexual acts. But it actually felt more emotional than sex in a genuine loving relationship. Every time I had sex with someone in this period I felt embarrassed, used and objectified, I felt like I was just giving myself away for attention. And I realise now there was no self-respect, nor respect from the men I had sex with.
I’m writing this after just having sex with a man I’ve been in love with for over a year. I messaged him last night at one in the morning with a simple “yo”, believing he would never reply. He did, and he said he wanted to catch up. I jumped at the chance and went out in the middle of the night to see him. I felt like a child. I got in his car, we got Maccas, and as I was eating my fries and talking, he leant over and kissed me.
Top Comments
I'm not sure why you wanted the appreciation of someone ugly, rude and selfish, and even less sure what you were expecting from meeting that guy at the wrong end of the night, or how you think you have lost your power in casual sex, when that was not what the meeting was to you? Did this guy you love KNOW that you love him?
I sympathize for the author. When you have insecurities there will always be some virus ready to attack you whilst you are weak. If you can find yourself a better headspace, then things might not be as daunting as you imagine. You say "I get the attention I need" from the bedroom, but you don't really enjoy it. You need to find the courage to tell yourself that you are beautiful, and then you wont need to satisfy that craving with parasites. Clearly you are articulate, and you are smart, so you are already beautiful before the clothes come off. Stop worrying about fairness within the "system" and start demanding fairness with each individual interaction you have, be it girlfriends or boyfriends. You deserve better, and i suspect that if you demand better, you will indeed be treated better.