If you're an aunt, this is why you're the real winner.

I’ve been very public about my choice to be child free.  I have no desire to have children on of my own. But I’ve always been clear that I also love my nephews with all my heart.

Yesterday, I did an interview about my childfree decision and how it's always being questioned with Sarrah Le Marquand on 702 ABC Radio. She was measured and thoughtful as always. Most ABC listeners responded well, as you would expect an educated audience would. However one caller - I think his name was Gavin - said I shouldn't compare the love of your own child with the love of a nephew, cousin or other family member.

Sarrah asked me to respond. To be honest I was a bit confused. Of course I know the difference. If I loved them like my own it would make things very awkward between my brother and me.

But I think Gavin's statement belittles the love I do have for my nephews.

Tim Sharp is a clinical and coaching psychologist, as well as the Chief Happiness Officer at the Happiness Institute.

"I don't know this caller's situation, but I suppose he's a parent who thinks the love a parent offers a child is very special - which it is. But love is very subjective. Whether it's parent and child, aunt and nephew, husband and wife, the love between two people is individual and different. But it doesn't make one better or worse."

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"Based on lots of psychological research in varying areas, the key for living a healthy and happy life is love. Love for others is a very important thing. Any love it good. We shouldn't compare or rank love because love it subjective. It's almost absurd to say one is better than another," he says.

I love being an aunt and I feel like my life is enriched because of these two awesome little humans. Josh is 9 years old and Lachie is 7, both are AFL mad and play it, watch it and talk about it all the time. I don't know anything about sport, so they patiently explain who their favourite players are and why footy cards are vital currency in their circle of friends.

Josh is kind, a people-pleaser who's very sensitive to other people's needs while Lachie is a funny tearaway, caught between idolising his brother and wanting to stand on his own two feet. They are polite, smart and I'm so proud of them. Of course, this is thanks to my brother Tod and sister-in-law Sue who I think are brilliant parents. They are firm but fair. Those boys get a whole lot of love.

Because they live in Queensland I don't get as much time with the boys as I would like. I often think I get more out of it than they do.

Dr Sharp says my relationship with my nephews is, in fact, very good for my health, "It's advantageous for adults to spend time with children. Any exposure to a child's wonder and fresh eyes is a good thing. Being an aunt is it's a great opportunity to love and be compassionate and concerned about another person. Any opportunity to love is a good thing for your health and wealth being."

"Plus it could be argued that as an aunt, you get the to enjoy the best bits of love and not the responsibilities."

This is true. The boys are well behaved but looking after them is exhausting. They are always on the go. Plus because I fly up to Queensland when I see them, it's a treat. I don't want the task of discipline or to do the day to day drudgery of school drops offs. When I pick them up from school it's exciting and fun for both sides.

"Parenting can be challenging - it has to have rules and discipline. The discipline aspects aren't as relevant for aunts and uncles," he says.

But the relationship with aunts and uncles benefit kids too.

"There's quite a bit of research on the health and happiness of children. Obviously the most significant relationship is with their parents but there's pretty good research that they benefit psychologically from a significant relationship outside of the core family, having an older role model who is similar to their parents but not their parents. Kids go through stages where they think parents are stupid or embarrassing. This is where the uncle or aunt relationship thrives," he says.

I know this was true when I was growing up. I idolised my Aunty Gayle. When I was sick as a kid and in hospital, she came to visit me. I felt so special. Growing up we would always have secret chats. Then when I moved to Brisbane to go to university I moved in with her and her family. I always felt she was younger and cooler so I could talk to her about anything. She was my matron-of-honour at my first wedding. I look forward to when the boys are older and come to me for advice about love or work.

"The young person can ask questions or discuss topics they might not want to talk to their parents about. Kids that have that relationship are psychologically better off in many ways. And in fact it can also strengthen their relationship with their parents.," says Dr Sharp.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my nephews. A couple of Christmases ago when Joshie was 6 years old, he took my hand and said: "Aunty Shelly, it would be really important to me if you could Skype me more often." My heart nearly burst. But as usual, I got back to Sydney and back into my 80-hour work weeks, so the phone calls became less frequent.  I felt like I'd let him down.

"It's not that different with being a parent. You have responsibilities with work and you have to manage your time. The giving of your time will fluctuate," says Dr Sharp.

"The heart of any good relationship is having open channels of communications - lots of little conversations are important as they lead to the big conversations. Build that relationship. Build it and they'll feel comfortable coming to you for the important stuff," he says.

Josh came off his bike recently and had to have surgery on his leg. I'm going to fly up and spend a whole weekend with him and Lachie.  I hope they feel special just like I did when Aunty Gayle would visit me.

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