'When I became a grandmother, I didn't expect to feel grief.'

When I was 30, I had the most amazing gift — a beautiful baby girl called Cleo Rose. My husband and I were besotted.

One month after her first birthday, my darling mum died. I was devastated. To be honest I still am. I felt ripped off. I was only just a mother and all of a sudden, I understood my own mother on a whole new level and didn't get to explore that new relationship with her.

The few months Mum was around after Cleo's birth she was fighting cancer and suffering through chemo so there was no time to create a strong bond between them. My daughter would never know her nanny just as I never knew my grandparents as they died when I was young and lived in England. I wanted so much for my children to know their grandparents and have the special relationships I saw others have, but it wasn't to be.

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One day when I was feeding Cleo, not long after Mum had died, I had an overwhelming feeling that Mum was there. It was as though she made it super clear that she was now a part of Cleo and would be with me through her.

There were times I would hear Cleo in her cot giggling and cooing and I knew mum was in there playing with her. Cleo went on to form a truly special spiritual bond with my mum that would be with her always. At times over the years when I've spoken to her, she has given me advice beyond her years, and I know it's my mum talking through her.

Meanwhile I muddled along with motherhood, lacking the grandparent help so many of my friends had and added a second child into the mix.

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Fast forward 30 years and Cleo gave birth to her own beautiful girl Indigo Valerie. Enter all the feels I was totally not expecting! Firstly, her birth was amazing; Cleo had created a vision board she took to the hospital which included a photo of my mum holding her as a baby. She meditated and talked to her nan throughout her labour and knew that my mum was helping guide Indigo into the world.

Secondly, when I walked into the hospital room to meet my new granddaughter, the love I felt for Cleo was so overwhelming that she got all the first hugs and tears. Lastly, the love I felt for this tiny bundle was so familiar, comfortable and strong that I was blown away.

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I had expected to be thinking something along the lines of 'Oh cute, lovely baby, well done Cleo.' What a fool I was! I was unaware of the fact that when I had carried Cleo, I was also carrying Indigo as all the eggs Cleo would ever have were in her from the moment she developed them. Mind blowing! This explains the overwhelming love that was instantaneous the minute I saw her.

The other thing I was not expecting was to fall in love with my daughter all over again. To watch her being a beautiful, gentle mum, breast feeding Indigo is just so special. I am in awe of her.

What I also wasn't expecting was the grief I felt for myself that I didn't have this beautiful experience with my own mum. How weird is grief when it rears up and bites you 30 years later when you think you are over it.

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There is a meme online that says, 'It's not that your parents love the grandchildren more than you, it's just that they remind them so much of you as a child.' That sums it up in a nutshell. Instead of feeling older, Indigo is making me feel younger, she looks so much like Cleo as a baby and I am remembering so many things I thought I'd forgotten about both my children as babies.

I was worried I'd feel nervous holding her and looking after her, but it's quite the opposite. It feels so comfortable and natural to be holding a baby again. I sing her daft little songs my mum and dad taught me; I talk in silly voices, and I waste time in the best possible way just looking at her and soaking up her deliciousness. I am excited and cherish that I can be there for Cleo and Indi and any other grandchildren who come along, so the love can extend over the years.

Listen to this Anna tell her story here:

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