The only acceptable way to style your hair, according to every beauty writer ever.

When Rosie Waterland recently went looking for some tips on how to style her hair, she came face-to-face with the very complex world of beauty “experts”.

Hello! After much detailed research (googling some tips on how to style my hair and being blown away by the complexity of what I’m expected to do every morning), I have helpfully compiled a step-by-step guide on how to style your hair each day.

Here is The Only Acceptable Way To Style Your Hair, According To Every Beauty Writer Ever:

Base (do not even think about trying to style your hair unless you first take these steps):

1. Be born with genetically blessed and completely unattainable hair.

2. You must have your hair cut and styled by a Hair Architect every 2 – 3 weeks. It is very important that it’s a ‘Hair Architect’, and not just a hairdresser. You’re not a savage.

3. In between cuts, have hair trimmed every few days by an architect’s assistant. If you miss a trim, you will get split ends and then you might as well shave your head and never leave the house.

4. Once a week, you must get a professional treatment. Refer to your Hair Architect’s judgement on this, but it should at least involve sitting at a basin for three and a half hours, while a cream that was sourced from the volcanic mountains of Iceland is left to soak into your hair follicle. This will activate the negative proton enzymes, of which your’s no doubt need ‘serious work’. Note: Until the exact moment it makes contact with your hair, it’s very important that the cream only be handled by 85-year-old virgins who follow the paleo diet.

Related: 19 problems only people with naturally curly hair will understand.

Before bed:

5. Start preparing at 7pm.

6. Rest your head upside down in a glass bowl filled with water for exactly 17 and a half minutes. The water must come from the fresh springs that run through the southern forests of Alaska.

7. Wrap hair in a steamed, pure cotton towel made by tribal elders in Mexico. Each towel may only be used three times before it’s compromised and can no longer be within a 50-foot radius of your head. Otherwise it will deactivate the negatised protons.

8. Apply your Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser Pre-Cleanser. Any standard Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser Pre-Cleanser will do, provided it’s been approved by the International Association of Hair Architects and has been featured on Vogue’s Instagram. Leave to soak for 43 minutes. If you are over or under this time limit by even 30 seconds, your hair will not respond to the Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser.

9. Apply Pre-Shampoo and Conditioner Cleanser. Leave for 58 minutes. This is a great time to complete some of your Yogilateballetballbarre exercises. Every modern woman should be a multi-tasker. (Note: If you’re doing Yogilateballetlungebarre exercises, I don’t even have time to tell you how outdated that is. Head to your local converted barn that is now an exercise warehouse and ask the Byron Bay-trained Yogilateballetballbarre Guru where you’ve gone wrong in your life.)

10. Once you have successfully pre-cleansed to prepare for your pre-cleanser to prepare for your shampoo and conditioner, you may get into the shower to shampoo and condition. Obviously the shampoo and conditioner must be gluten-free. If your hair is even in the same room as a non gluten-free product, call 000 immediately. And pray.

11. Apply a post-cleanser to hair. Any post-cleanser is fine, as long as it is laced with flecks of 24-carat gold, which will protect the hair follicle from swelling when blow-drying. A swollen hair-follicle is akin to death.

12. Blow-dry. Obviously using only the standard ionically-charged machinery. A basic model averages around $750, but if you don’t want to damage your hair, it’s really best to go with the more deluxe versions, which start at around $2000. This is your hair – IT’S WORTH IT.

13. You may go to sleep. Just make sure your pillow case is made of rare Indian silk, obviously. And only sleep on your back. If you roll over during the night, the whole process is ruined. Get some discipline.

Morning Styling:

14. To give yourself enough time, it’s probably best to set your alarm for about 4:30am.

15. As soon as you get out of bed, apply a Post-Sleep Spray to hair. This spray should be mist that has been bottled during an autumn sunrise in Ireland. Make sure to hold the bottle exactly 32 cms away from your head, or the mist won’t have time to activate in the air before it reaches the hair shaft.

16. Leave the spray to settle for 45 minutes. Consume your breakfast of pot-set organic yoghurt with Tasmanian figs and crystalised four-leaf clovers.

17. You will obviously be wearing your hair in subtle waves with a side-part. Do not confuse ‘subtle waves’ with ‘beach waves’. Beach waves are out and if you even considered beach waves you shouldn’t even be reading this – it’s not for you. Seriously, go and find one of those hair magazines that have no words and lots of pictures of models in futuristic clothing. Study it. Then you may continue reading this blog.

18. This is where all your preparation comes in handy. All you need to do here is apply a Pre-Styling Cream, Finishing Paste and Post-Finishing Paste Styling Cream. While you leave those to settle into the hair follicle, heat up your platinum and solid gold curling tong to exactly 207 degrees.

19. Wrap 3cm sections of hair around the tong for 9 seconds each. Do not tong the whole head, but also don’t not tong the whole head. There’s a very fine line between ‘subtle waves’ and ‘overdone’, so don’t fuck it up.

20. Apply a Matte Texture Crushed Diamond Finishing Powder to the roots. Allow hair to cool for 51 minutes. Sit perfectly still during this time. Your hair needs time to rest.

21. Take a wide-tooth wooden comb that’s been carved from an ancient Californian cypress tree. Slowly run it through your hair while spraying with a Volumising Texture Matte Scaffolding Architectural Directive Finishing Mist.

22. You are done. You may leave the house.

23. If today’s weather includes questionable humidity, you may not leave the house.

See, easy!

Next week: “If you are aren’t following this simple 2-hour daily make-up routine, you don’t deserve to live.”

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