The Twins recap Bachelor in Paradise: IT'S A CHEATING SCANDAL.

April 17, 2018

Last night, three people left paradise for no reason, and now we’re feeling uneasy.

This isn’t just a holiday where you can leave at any time. This is a nonsensical reality TV show that requires your full investment for a completely arbitrary period, and it would appear that Osher forgot to put that in writing.

Because of course he forgot.

He’s distracted by such tasks as reprimanding Wais for allowing Keira to insert mango daiquiri into her eyeballs before 10am, trying to convince Jarrod that there’s nothing healthy about ~~a tan~~ super red skin that’s always peeling, and yelling at everyone to please stop urinating in the pool.

Jarrod come on mate it's really disrespectful to others in the pool.

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But now he's back, and he feels guilty, so he's unleashed two random people into paradise, Rachael and Sasha - and yes, these people are becoming increasingly less famous.

Osher, who has now abandoned all attempts at a narrative structure, gives a date card to Keira, and if she doesn't give it to Jarrod we swear to God we're going to leave this f*cking island.

Thankfully she does, and as he's leaving, a lone voice yells: "JARROD. SUNSCREEN" and Jarrod's future thanks you.

They arrive at a football field with Fijian children and they all refuse to touch Jarrod because they think they might... catch something.

They're divided into two teams - Team Jarrod and Team Keira - and Jarrod yells at his team: I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL DON'T RUIN IT.

Um, okay.

Keira wants to show Jarrod how good she is with kids, just in case he'd like to have some with her (he... he does), but let's be real: she's terrifying.

Look, frankly, she thinks her team is shit.

So she takes the mature approach of jumping between a) not trying and b) screaming helpful things such as "LOOK BEFORE YOU PASS" and "FOCUS YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE".

Jarrod then gets serious and tells his team they have to let Keira through so her team can win. The kids are clearly super shitty because this is not what they signed up for/they didn't sign up for anything because Osher just took them out of a school without their parents' consent.

Keira scores and then starts a Keira chant which no one else joins except for Jarrod.

The children would like to go home now.

Back at... camp, Simone's mad because Rachael has breasts and is wearing them in front of Apollo.

"Rachael's had some vodka sodas and now she's become a demon and put on a skimpy bikini..." Simone says and literally that's the entire plot line of Bachelor in Paradise in one sentence.

STOP PLS. Osher is coming and he has decided to rewrite the rules for no reason (again).

He takes Megan away and WHERE IS SHE GOIN' is this even related to the show or is Osher just lonely IDK IDK.

Meanwhile, Simone has done a very good job at setting up Rachael and American Jared - a man who happens to not be Apollo.

Rachael and Jared are doing a canoodle in the water, and Keira cannot stop hysterically laughing at Leah who appears to be heartbroken. This is Keira's favourite part.

STOP EVERYTHING RUSSELL BRAND IS BACK AND OSHER BE STIRRING SHIT.

Osher's too friendly and excited. Honestly, he's coming across a bit weird. He tells Tom someone wants to get to know him better and is sad that he left.

You can see Tom mutter, "Osher if that person is you I need... I need to go back to Canada now."

Megan emerges from the bushes and Osher looks at them proudly. But here's the problem. We're not certain Megan... asked to have Tom back. Osher just went rogue to create drama because everyone kept escaping.

Megan feels awkward about how Osher brought her a Tom like a cat who brings it's owner a mouse and asks with it's eyes "treat now pease?"

Osher says there's no pressure except that Tom will be staying in paradise no matter what and she has to love him now.

They have dinner and talk about that 10-minute talk they had yesterday and how that talk led to this talk and then they have sex in the water even though it's night time which everyone knows is prime shark feeding time ugh.

Jake is freaking out because he can sense that Osher's f*cking shit up for no reason.