Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise: "You're a lying, cheating dog."

August 4, 2020

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QUIET PLEASE.

It's the second last episode of Bachelor in Paradise and we're about to find out a) which couples will stay together, and b) which couples are here for... their future Instagram careers.

We open on the cocktail party, and the remaining couples are preparing for the final rose ceremony.

Jackson takes conga Brittney for a chat, and they decide that they're not ready to meet each other's parents just yet.

They exit Paradise together, with a plan to give their relationship a go on the outside.

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

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The Spill

Oh sh*t.

Osher has no time for bullsh*t tonight.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY.

Mary and Conor and Alisha and ~~Greg~~ Glenn are up first, and both couples decide to stay in Paradise together. Obviously.

Scot with one T and "Mia", who have known each other for approximately 48 hours, decide that meeting each other's parents would be a 'lil bit awkward, so they exit Paradise.

Oooooh.

It's time for Kiki and Ciarran.

Somehow, despite all the lyin' and cheatin', they decide to... stay together. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why tho?

After yesterday's rogue ring throwing incident, Renee and Matt also opt to stay in Paradise.

It's the next day and the friends and family members of the contestants have started to arrive.

Alisha's mum enters Paradise first, and she immediately begins fangirling over Glenn:

HOLY SHIT IT'S GLENN!!!

"When I was looking at a lineup for The Bachelorette, my eyes were drawn to Glenn and I thought that was the kind of person I want Alisha to be with," she says.

Pause.

THERE IS MORE THAN ONE GLENN.

I REPEAT.

THERE IS ANOTHER GLENN.

OMFG.

STOP IT.

Okay... not technically. It's Glenn's twin brother Neil and SIR ARE YOU SINGLE BECAUSE PARADISE NEEDS ANOTHER GLENN.

Glenn tells Alisha's mum Donna that he's ready for marriage, and he's willing to move across the country for Alisha.

Donna tells him that she's a 'lil bit jealous that she isn't dating him and honestly, same.

Are u sure?

Later on, Alisha and Glenn discuss their ~journey~ in Paradise.

They both admit that they're falling in love with each other and STOP IT. THIS IS TOO MUCH.

Elsewhere, Mary's friend Kylie and ~~the cleanskin~~ Conor's mum and stepbrother have arrived in Paradise.

After Mary walks in, Conor's mum immediately starts tearing up.

IT'S VERY CUTE, PLS.

Cuuuute.

Kylie takes Conor for a chat, and she begins grilling him about Mary's daughter and whether he's ready to be a stepfather.

He tells her that he would do anything to support Mary and her family and FFS, this is too many emotions for one night.

via GIPHY

Later that night, Mary and Conor head on a single date that can only be described as an extreme fire hazard:

Is this... necessary?

Mary tells him that she's been scared to share how she really feels about him.

"I really love spending time with you," she tells him.

"I love everything about you. I am really in love with you."

Conor tells her that he loves her too, and they make their relationship ~official~.

Meanwhile, Matt's father and Renee's grandparents have arrived in Paradise.

Renee tells her grandparents she's dating Matt, a BMX rider, and they look, erm, concerned.

Matt promises them that he's a "very loyal" person, and that he would "never do anything to hurt her".

Matt's dad, on the other hand, is worried that Renee isn't quite over Ciarran and well, duh. They broke up approximately three weeks ago.

Watch: The love lessons learned from Bachelor in Paradise. Post continues below.

Video via Mamamia.

On their single date, Renee tells Matt that she wants to make their relationship work on the outside and he agrees.

Matt tells her that if they go to the commitment ceremony, they'll become "boyfriend and girlfriend" and we're getting... high school vibes.

PAUSE.

It's time for the most secure couple in Paradise (lol) to meet the parents – Kiki and Ciarran.

As she waits for her mum to arrive, Kiki tells producers that she found out more about Ciarran's lyin' ways last night.

"I found out last night from Mary that Ciarran apparently kissed Abbie on their date, and then shared a bed with her that night... even though he told me he had no feelings for her," she explains.

"And then he also shared a bed with Renee. I knew about Jess. I didn't know about Abbie and Renee."

Are you fkn serious?

HOW MANY SECRETS DOES THIS MAN HAVE?

via GIPHY

Kiki's mum arrives, and Kiki tells her that she's found a connection with someone.

"I'm a bit nervous about you meeting him because we've had a couple issues," she tells her, and pls. A couple issues? That's the understatement of the century.

Kiki gives her mum a rundown of all the sh*t Ciarran has got up to in Paradise and she doesn't look... impressed.

Ciarran, on the other hand, meets his friend Brad on the beach.

He tells him that he's "head over heels" for Kiki, and that he's "never felt this way before".

Oh sh*t.

It's time for Ciarran to meet Kiki's mum, and he's sh*tting himself.

FFS.

"Tell me why you weren't honest with her about the women before she got into Paradise," she asks him.

"I didn't think there was a right time to tell her," he responds and uh, when was the right time then?

"It's a real dog act. Do you think she deserves that? Did you not think about her when you did that?" Kiki's mum asks, and YES MARY ANNE. GRILL HIM.

"It's very hard to start a relationship with some selfish, ego-tripping guy."

via GIPHY

She tells him that he needs to be honest with Kiki, and Ciarran claims that he's been "the most honest person in Paradise". Lol.

"I haven't hid anything from her. I've not lied to her once," he replies.

FFS.

via GIPHY

"It's just crap," Kiki's mum tells producers. "You're a lying, cheating dog."

Kiki takes Ciarran away for a chat, and she confronts him about the whole Abbie situation.

He admits that he spent time in Abbie's room, and that he fell asleep "for an hour" in Renee's bed.

He tells her that he's been "honest" and "straight to the point"... and you're missing the point.

Sir. You should have been fkn honest in the first place.

"I'm an adult woman. This is just back and forth high school bullsh*t," she tells him.

"I'm at the point where I could just throw it all away and just leave."

UNTIL SUNDAY NIGHT.

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Feature Image: Channel 10.

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