Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise: We need to talk about the Ciarran situation.

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Ah, yes.

Remember that time John Aiken shamelessly planted a question box and "Cyclone Keira" at the Bula Banquet to start sh*t?

Well, he's just made things even worse.

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You see, Kiki, who apparently hooked up with Ciarran prior to the show, has arrived in Paradise with a date card.

And things are... awkward.

"Hi, I'm Kiki, nice to meet you," Kiki says as she greets Ciarran.

Uh, is she... pretending she doesn't know him?

After taking Timm away for a "quick chat" (a.k.a a low-key interrogation about what Ciarran has been up to in Paradise), Kiki decides to take Ciarran on a single date. Obviously.

They jump on a boat and head to a secret beach. But when they arrive, they find out that they've been "shipwrecked"... which means they'll have to spend the night together.

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Oh, Osher. We know what you're doing.

"How do you feel about leaving Jess behind?" a producer asks Ciarran.

"I don't really feel bad for leaving her," he responds, and it turns out we were wrong about everything.

It isn't just Jamie who thinks he's on his own season of The Bachelor. It turns out Ciarran does too.

Back at the villa, conga Brittany is practicing her belly flopping skills in the pool, while Keira is debating who she will get a rose from at tonight's ceremony.

Priorities, am I right?

YES.

BRITTANY.

In the end, Keira decides to go for Alex and we don't know if it's just the editing, but he weirdly seems a 'lil bit uninterested. 

Pls.

Elsewhere in Paradise, Timm has taken Brittany H away for a date on the beach.

He tells her he'll be leaving Paradise... and we're starting to panic.

"I have to leave... 

...

...

"...because my mate is getting married and I'm best man," he tells her.

"But I'll be back."

EXCUSE US, TIMM.

WHY WOULD YOU SCARE US LIKE THAT?

He gives Brittany H an early rose, and suddenly, we're all having weird flashbacks to the Honey Badger. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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As the sun sets in Paradise, Mary is cuddled up on a day bed with "cleanskin" Conor, while Alex and Keira sit together on another bed. 

But Kiki and Ciarran, who have been kidnapped by Osher "shipwrecked", are still missing from the villa.

The pair, who have been having a riveting conversation about their favourite colours, decide to hop into bed together.

We hear kissing noises and a "saucy" comment from Ciarran and it's uncomfortable for us all.

The next day, Jess and Renee bond over the fact that they've both been, erm, screwed over by Ciarran.

The pair are discussing whether Ciarran will acknowledge Jess upon his return, but when Ciarran and Kiki walk back into the villa, he immediately runs over to catch up with Timm. 

Jess and Renee stare the boys down from across the villa and it all feels a 'lil bit like a Schoolies trip gone wrong.

This is fine.

Pause.

OSHER IS HERE AND HE HAS A DATE CARD.

This time, it's a double date card, and it's going to Conor and Jess.

Conor picks Mary, and Jess immediately begins to panic, before asking if she can have a chat with Ciarran first.

She takes Ciarran aside and he tells her that he wants to see if his relationship with Kiki will work out, but that he's still keen to be "mates" with Jess.

"I'm clearly doing what I want to do, so just crack on. It's not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend," he tells her.

Jess responded accordingly:

"Can he come pick up his sh*t from my room orrrr?"

After being promptly friend-zoned by Ciarran, Jess decides to take Alex on the date, much to the disappointment of Keira.

Conor, on the other hand, is still waiting for Mary to get ready (and hoping that she hasn't met the same quarantine fate as conga Brittany did):

Pls don't let her be sick.

Pls.

Back at the villa, the rest of the contestants are playing a game of Truth or Dare. 

See, we told you that this was descending into Schoolies territory.

The group dare Jamie to kiss Ciarran on the cheek, and tell him: "You have my rose tonight."

But then... it gets worse.

JAMIE IS NAKED.

PROTECT YOUR EYES.

OH.

GOD.

NO.

Over at the double date, Mary decides to open up to Conor and tell him about her daughter.

Their chat goes down well, and they both agree that they're looking for a long term relationship.

Ah, yes. One of the very few genuine relationships on this show involves... someone who has nothing to do with The Bachelor. Nice.

Elsewhere, Alex and Jess are sharing champagne on their date. Alex tells Jess that he is interested in her, but he's struggling with the fact that he now has... multiple women after him.

ALEX.

WE LOVE THIS FOR YOU.

You deserve more screen time, sweetie.

Oooooh.

It's time for the dinner party and Jamie is feeling "very depressed" because it's his first cocktail party without Timm in the history of The Bachelor.

"I've never met anyone like him," Jamie says.

"He's everything to me in here. I talk to Timm when I wake up in the morning, I talk to Timm before I go to bed at night.

"Not having Timm here... it's killing me."

via GIPHY

Keira and Kiki enter the cocktail party and Keira is becoming increasingly worried about Alex's date with Jess.

"I'm gonna miss you guys if I go tonight," Keira tells Niranga.

"We can catch up on the outside," Niranga responds.

"Uh, f*ck off," Keira replies and uh, EXCUSE ME?

LEAVE. NIRANGA. ALONE.

What... did I do?

Meanwhile, Jamie takes Helena away for a chat and we're not sure why... but suddenly Jamie's speech is appearing on the screen like the Star Wars opening credits.

We. Have. So. Many. Questions.

But... why?

Jamie has decided to give conga Brittany his rose, and he's feeling guilty about not "saving" Helena.

"I don't want to see you go," he tells her. 

"I hope some dude comes in and just blows your socks off."

Once Mary, Conor, Jess and Alex return from their double date, Keira promptly escorts Alex away to grill him about his date.

Alex tells her that he has feelings for her, but that's he's feeling uneasy about choosing between Jess and Keira.

"It's weird being in this position," Alex tells her.

"Yeah, you were that guy that didn't get any attention [on The Bachelorette]," Keira responds and it's harsh... but kinda true. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Watch the promo for Monday night's episode of Bachelor in Paradise below. Post continues after video.

Oh sh*t. 

It's time for the rose ceremony.

Conor picks Mary, Greg Glenn picks Alisha, a michellanous man picks Renee, Ciarran picks Kiki, Jamie picks conga Brittany, and Niranga picks Cass.

Finally. It's Alex's turn to pick and he chooses... Keira.

Jess and Helena are leaving Paradise, and Jamie looks devastated.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Feature Image: Channel 10.

Catch up on all our recaps here:

Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 1: It's been one day, and we already have a love triangle.
Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 2: Jamie needs to calm the hell down.
Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 3: We finally found out the real reason Ciarran left Angie.
Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 4: Everyone is drunk and crying.
Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise episode 5: Keira is back and she... broke Alisha.

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