Mamamia recaps Bachelor in Paradise: Everyone got their happy ending except for... Ciarran.

August 8, 2020

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Sweet Jesus.

WE'VE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE END.

It's time to watch a) a bunch of couples fall in love and live happily ever after as Instagram influencers, and b) Ciarran being... Ciarran. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LET'S DO THIS.

We open on Ciarran and Kiki, who are having a 'lil bit of an argument about Ciarran's incessant lyin' and cheatin'.

Kiki asks Ciarran if she's going to "learn anything new" once the show goes to air and well, duh. Of course you are.

She calls him a "cold-hearted lady killer", and she's not... wrong.

"I just feel that women might be disposable to you," she adds.

via GIPHY

The next day, the boys discuss their time meeting the parents.

Ciarran admits that Kiki's mum wasn't super happy to see him because of that time he dated approximately everyone in Paradise... before lyin' to Kiki about all of it.

He tells the group he's been the "most honest person" in Paradise and mate, no.

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Later on, Matt tells the group he's ready to leave Paradise with Renee so they can be away from, erm, her ex.

Ciarran chimes in and tells the boys that he thinks he handled the whole situation with Renee and Matt pretty well. (Lol.)

via GIPHY

But approximately 45 seconds later, he angrily storms off. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After yelling "FKN BOLLOCKS" a few times, Matt confronts Ciarran and tells him he doesn't want him to have any contact with Renee after Paradise.

Watch: The love lessons learned from Bachelor in Paradise. Post continues below.

Video via Mamamia.

Elsewhere, the girls are chatting about their ~situations~.

Kiki tells the group she's wiped the slate clean with Ciarran, and she's ready to give their relationship a second chance... despite all the lyin' and cheatin'.

Renee admits that Ciarran told her that "no one would ever replace her" in Paradise and it's awkward for us all.

"This is not Wife Swap. This is Bachelor in Paradise," Mary chimes in, and FINALLY. SOMEONE WHO GETS IT.

"I'm ready to pack my bags and leave," Kiki responds.

FML. After talking to the girls, Kiki takes Ciarran for a chat.

Despite telling the girls she was ready to leave Paradise, she tells Ciarran that she felt pitted against by the girls and wait, what? They were simply performing an intervention.

Ciarran tells her he's falling in love with her, and they decide to leave Paradise together.

As expected, it... doesn't end well:

Oh...

IT'S TIME FOR AN EMOTIONAL MONTAGE PLS.

Renee and Matt are up first, and they meet each other for their ~commitment ceremony~.

During his painfully awkward scripted speech, Matt tells Renee that he chose her over the "bro code", and that he's "falling in love with her".

They exchange commitment rings, and they decide to leave Paradise "as partners".

Somewhere in the distance, Timm is yelling "YOU'RE A FKN DOG BRO".

It's all very... nice.

This feels very... Married At First Sight.

IT'S TIME FOR ~~THE CLEANSKIN~~ CONOR AND MARY.

Mary greets Osher, who is wearing a magnificent Hawaiian-shirt inspired suit.

ACTUAL ANGEL OSHER.

She tells him she hopes there will be a wedding in the future, and STOP IT. WE LOVE THIS FOR YOU.

Mary tells Conor that he's in love with her, and she tells him that he smells very nice, pls.

They exchange rings, and IF THAT RING ISN'T ENGRAVED WITH THE WORD 'CLEANSKIN', WE'RE FKN SUING.

YES MARY.

Oooooooh.

Glenn and Alisha are up next and we're feeling a 'lil bit nervous.

There's another emotional montage which involves far too many scenes of Glenn and Alisha rubbing sh*t on each other.

We... didn't want a reminder.

Glenn tells Alisha that he was "dreaming of meeting someone like you" and it's all very cute etc.

GLENN IS CRYING. ALISHA IS CRYING.

EVERYONE IS CRYING.

UNTIL NEXT YEAR.

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Feature Image: Channel 10.

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