It's decided: These were the five best moments from The Bachelor premiere.

Hooooly crap, last night’s premiere episode of The Bachelor was, in Kanye speak, the greatest Bachelor episode of all time.

Every minute was filled with gasps of pure horror from the Mamamia team, and we sat back thinking, “Shit, this episode has bloody changed us“.

We are different. We have evolved. We are freaking transformed.

I mean c’mon, a contestant NIBBLED ON HER ROSE on NATIONAL TELEVISION last night.

…………….. WHAT IN THE SWEET BABY JESUS????

Without further ado, we give you four other notable moments from last night’s ep that left us thinking “what the feck” and “excuse me wot” and “how have we survived these last eight months without this treasure trove of reality entertainment”.

Eliza sang. Really badly. Approximately 57 times.

My ears. They’re melting off.

Dearly beloved, let’s take a moment to delight in the reactions of the sassy Bach girls:

Effing yaaaaaaaaassssss.

I swear this show gives me life.

The planking thing.

Lel if you're the one who suggested the stupid plank-off, only to lose and see the Red Dress Girl who tagged along with the idea be a freaking planking professional AND GET A BLOODY ROSE FOR IT.

I'm so with the brunette chick on this one. A life with already perfect abs is so hard.

*tears*

THE BACON ROSE

I don't know if the bacon rose was... sanitary to eat, but eff it - this bacon lover lady has the total package.

And by "the total package", I obviously mean this:

A woman with a bacon tattoo is the kinda woman you want in your life, fellas.

Keira. Just... Keira.

This woman gets her own goddamn moment to her goddamn fabulous self.

I see Keira as that girlfriend who says every single thing that comes to mind whether that's "the white rose turns me on" or "bed bed bed bed bed bed bed bed".

Bless her freakin' soul.

Before we finish up, I'm gonna give a notable mention award to this chick, who I swear got confused between 'The Bachelor set' and 'PlaySchool'.

Let's hope she finds her way back soon.

... Never change, weird princess lady.

Can't get enough? Listen to last night's BachChat with Laura Brodnik et al below.