"The Bachelor Australia 2020 applications are open and Timm, I'm in if you're in."

Applications for The Bachelor Australia 2020 were announced last weekend, just one day before this year’s Bachie couple Matt Agnew and Chelsie McLeod announced their split.

The timing was… suspicious, and also very unfortunate.

But hey! Don’t let the 43% success rate of past seasons put you off, because there are still mansion alpacas to meet and Instagram followers to gain.

This is ‘Bachelor contestants, translated’ and future reality TV star me feels personally attacked. Post continues below video.

Now, I am of the opinion that The Bachelor Australia 2020 must feature one (or both ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) of our two long-haired loves, Ciarran Stott and Timm Hanly, because if not, what even is the point?

The Bachelor franchise needs refreshing: An astrophysicist just crushed our dreams, and we certainly don’t need another ex-footy player. We want men who wear leopard print neckties and say things like, “You want to be in love with someone who will become your eyes if you lose your eyes”.

When I interviewed Ciarran following his emotional exit from The Bachelorette, he told me he’d be keen for a stint as the bach himself. Timm’s also said the same in his post-show interviews. So it’s a strong possibility and I want in on it pls.

Which brings me… here:

Now, a disclaimer: I am in a relationship. But he knows about this and is all good with it. Sort of?

While watching this year's Bachelorette, my boyfriend and I came to an agreement.

"I'm like Timm, aye," he said, after watching Timm yell at a cow from a car window.

"I mean..." I answered, trailing off. He's not at all like Timm. That's when I found my moment.

"If he's the next Bachelor, I'm applying, soz."

Boyf looked back at the screen to see Timm, now screaming at cows from a sky high hot air balloon.

"I understand," he said, nodding.

The same thing happened when Ciarran stood naked at a life drawing class, because even my boyfriend knows that's a man worth competing for. See? It's all good.

After hitting the 'Apply now' button, the first step was logging in. I nailed that part, just FYI. Then it got... real invasive. Sigh, the things I do for love.

Clothing.

First up, I had to submit how tall I am and how much I weighed. They are the most important details, you see.

So. Damn. Important.

Your profile.

Once I'd satisfied them with the information that my foot would be able to squeeze into at least one of their cocktail party-appropriate shoe options, we moved onto my (wonderful) personality.

Tell us about yourself in a sentence.

I'm an overly sarcastic, aloof woman in her mid (ish) twenties and I would like at least 1000 more Instagram followers please.

What are you genuinely passionate about?

Cats, keep cups and that Love Actually is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

What makes you happy & sad?

Cats make me happy.

The Bachelorette 2019 finale makes me sad.

What fires you up?

Honestly? People.

When did you last cry and why?

The Bachelorette 2019 finale. YOU KNOW WHY.

I was then asked to supply all my social media accounts, including Snapchat because apparently this is 2015.

Employment.

What is your current occupation and employer's name?

I write (mostly) factual articles for Mamamia and occasionally apply for reality TV shows.

What would be your dream job?

Exactly what I'm doing now, but next to a pool with a piña colada.

Family/Friends.

Who do you currently live with?

A man I met on Tinder nearly four years ago. Oh wait, I should lie about this, right? Just a really good friend!

If you have a best friend, what is their name and what do you love most about them?

Her name is Grace. I love that we communicate exclusively in memes and have maybe never said anything nice to each other in 13 years.

How would your friends describe you?

Straight from the horse's mouth: "Chill. You think you're funnier than you are. Wait, don't you have a boyfriend?"

What do people find irritating about you?

I asked my colleagues for help on this one:

• "You distract us from work with at least six cat photos a day"
• "You eat way more than her fair share of the office toast"
• "You're hard to understand on account of your very foreign Kiwi accent"

Then I had to talk about my parents, basically just to ensure my dad would be able to do a sufficient 'intimidating man' routine during a hometown date. Tick.

Relationships.

THIS WHOLE SECTION IS TERRIFYING.

I wrote, and I quote, "fghfgjh" in all the boxes about past sexual partners, past relationships and what I think about love. It's actually quite an accurate answer for that last one.

Plus, this:

Future partner.

I'm seven pages in and we're finally getting to questions that are actually relevant to the premise of the show.

Turns out, this is a bit boring. Marriage? Meh. Kids? Meh. Ideal partner? A tattooed man from Manchester.

What irritates you the most about the opposite sex? What is the best date you have ever been on? What's the worst date you have ever been on? Why? How would you feel if your partner wanted an open relationship?

Hold up.

Life.

I'm pretty well versed in reality TV so I know this is definitely where they decide if I'll get the 'wifey' musical entrance or be cast as the villain. I... have a feeling I know which one they'll cast me as.

Do you have any fears or phobias? What are they and how do you react?

This translates to: What can we have you do to make you cry on camera?

Do you like extreme sports? 

You mean, can we throw you out of a plane?

If you were meeting The Bachelor or a Bachelorette for the first time on the red carpet, what would be the first thing you would say to him/her?

Are you interesting enough to get your full entrance aired, or do we just chuck ya in the montage?

Medical/background.

Look, I'm fully vaccinated and have never been arrested, let's move on.

The show.

On this page, Osher sits me down and stares into my eyes. "Why are you applying?" he whispers.

"I'm here for the content," I whisper back.

"Only I may whisper," he says, firm but fair.

From all the series of Bachelor and Bachelorette Australia what guy or girl do you see yourself most alike?

Then I had to confirm I'm okay to take time off work (my editor made me do this, so I'm taking that as a yes) and if I had anything else I'd like to say. You've practically asked me for custody of my firstborn child, surely that's enough?

Photos/videos.

Oh my GOD. I went through all of this only to find out they also want me to upload a video telling them why I should be considered. SO WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT OF THE QUESTIONS?

"I woke up at 5am this morning and haven't brushed my hair in two days so it can only get better from here," I said, pointing at my delightfully large under-eye bags. I flick my hair ~sexily~ but my fingers get caught in a knot halfway down and I accidentally pull out approximately 12 strands.

"I should be chosen because I'd be real good at commentating the drama and also, think of the #content," I finish, not smiling enough because I'm pretty sure there's a toast crumb in my teeth. Cool, cool.

Then I uploaded two photos taken at moments when I didn't look like... whatever you call this current scenario, and VIOLA.

I'm a shoo-in to see Osher in the flesh and make friends with the mansion alpacas.

(Note: If Timm and/or Ciarran are not next year's Bach, please throw this whole damn thing in the bin).

If you want to be bunk buddies, you can apply here.