By ROSIE WATERLAND
Do I even have to say it? We obviously open on the ladies casually hanging out at Ridge Forrester’s house just being casual. They’re talking about what the house feels like without Laurina and all I want is for her to walk through the door holding a Dirty Street Pie in one hand and a mint in the other.
COME BACK TO ME AUDREY DAY-KNIGHT.
Osher’s hair arrives and… GASP! He is not carrying a date-card. What’s going on? Has Bachie run away to where it’s legal to marry a CrossFit machine? I’m frightened Oshie! Hold me and let me rest my face against your wall of eternal brilliance.
Okay everybody shut up he’s explaining:
Apparently there is no date-card, because the ladies are doing something BETTER than a date. Bachie is taking them on a trip! A trip to test their love. A trip to an incredibly exclusive and hard-to-reach location called the Blue Mountains. He really wanted to spoil them by driving an hour out of Sydney. He probably even let them go through the drive-thru at Penrith Maccas on the way.
#ROMANCE
Mountains/mountains/clouds/blue sky/lots of random shots of nature to make this trip seem a lot fancier than it actually is. The editor is really earning his pay check tonight. At least he would be, if Channel Ten employees were paid in cash and not locks of Osher’s hair.
Bachie says he organised this romantic trip because he needs to figure some important shit out, and he really likes the way his thinking face looks with a nature backdrop. “I think I’m falling in love with more than one woman,” he says. “I know that makes me sound crazy.”
Oh Bachie. Don’t be silly! That doesn’t make you sound crazy!
IT MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE A DICK.
The five remaining lucky ladies meet Bachie and Osher on a cliff-top because this is the Blue Mountains and it is definitely fancy and exotic and not the cheapest getaway option they could find.
Shhh! Osher’s explaining how our boyfriend feels about us.
And… What’s going on? Osher started talking and he hasn’t stopped. He is helpfully explaining all of Bachie’s feelings while Bachie stands very still, concentrating on keeping his ‘thinking face’ on. Seriously – this is the most lines Osher’s hair has said in one go since Australian Idol. This sudden chunk of dialogue is either because
a) he has a line quota for the season that he hasn’t met yet because he spent so much time crying in his trailer while hugging a poster of Dicko
or
b) there were just too many big words on the cue-cards for Bachie to manage
Oh, the mysteries of The Bachelor Australia.
Osher tells the five women who currently call Bachie their boyfriend that he is yet to decide which one of them he wants. Cut to a shot of Bachie, who is basically like:
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Each of the girls will apparently be getting some alone time with Bachie on this exotic trip an hour out of Sydney, but first they must prove that they deserve said alone time by abseiling down a cliff. Which they all do. Because what is risking your life for, if not for the man who just had Osher Gunsberg tell you that he can’t choose between you and four other women?
Much squealing/I can’t do this!/Oh my!/So scared/etc etc etc
There are no deaths. All girls have passed the first test.
LIPSTICK-THEN-NO-LIPSTICK LOUISE’S DATE:
Bachie takes Lipstick then no Lipstick Louise to the romantic cushions he has placed in the dirt. He privately tells the camera that he’s just not sure there’s enough of a spark between them, then spends their entire cushion-dirt date telling her how happy she makes him.
He stares at her lips. They stand up for a while. She straddles him during a kiss/subtle watch product placement.
Cushion-dirt date over.
An editor helpfully pops in a shot of the sun rising so we know it’s a new day. The girls have all become disconcertingly at ease with saying “We’re all dating the same guy” like it’s the most normal thing in the world.
*COUGH* STOCKHOLM SYNDROME *COUGH*
Bachie says he really likes the girls, and he would like to express those feelings by preparing them a big country breakfast. He then puts some bowls down on a table already laid out with a big country breakfast.
Above and beyond.
ZOE’S DATE:
Bachie takes Curly Hair #1 to sit on some romantic hay. She says even though they’ve only been on one date, she feels like he really gets her. They move from sitting on the romantic hay to standing near the romantic hay.
They walk to some pond to ‘make wishes’. Bachie secretly wishes that someone would tell him Curly Hair #1’s real name.
Romantic hay date over.
LISA’S DATE:
This date is filled with MUCH DRAMA. Lisa has a behavioural quirk that is, to be brutally honest, completely fucking unforgivable. Bachie feels like he needs to tell her that she is really ruining her chances with him because of this awful flaw that she has. In fact, Bachie cannot even deal with how tolerant he has been of Lisa’s shameful problem until now. but he is a gentleman, so he’s going to say something:
Lisa laughs too much. WHAT. A. FUCKING. BITCH.
Despite this being a dealbreaker on par with ‘genocide leader’ or ‘vagina teeth’, Bachie generously spends 10 more minutes with her. They ride some horses up a hill. They sit on the hill. But then Lisa laughs again and RUINS EVERYTHING. Bachie no understand her laughing. Bachie didn’t make joke? Why you laugh at Bachie?
STOP LAUGHING AND TAKE YOUR POLYGAMY COMPETITION DUTIES MORE SERIOUSLY YOU HEARTLESS WENCH.
Lisa’s laughing date over. Bitch.
JESS’S DATE:
Jess is the second girl to straddle Bachie. There must have been some kind of straddling directive because it looks like – ARGH I CAN’T EVEN FINISH THAT JOKE BECAUSE NOW THEY’RE HOLDING HANDS AT ADJOINING MASSAGE TABLES AND IT’S HORRIFYING:
*SHUDDERS*
They move from the massage room to a spa room. There is more straddling in the spa. Gushica’s gushing is out of control, which Bachie looks hopeful that there may be some peen sex and not just slow blinking forehead sex.
Ugh. It’s awful. Make her stop. If there is anyone in this world who loves me, you’ll make her stop talking about her heart and the sunrise immediately.
“I wouldn’t want him to be unsure of how I feel about him,” she says, finishing up her slow-blinking forehead sex.
Yeah. I think the jizz currently pouring out of your forehead would be giving him some indication.
Jizzy-spa date over.
SAM’S DATE:
Bachie takes Sam to the only fancy bar in the Blue Mountains, for their second date involving high tea. But, there are no Lindor Balls in a fishbowl this time, so this is quite clearly a MAJOR step down.
Talking/talking/what are your feelings/talking/talking. Bachie demands to know if she thinks she has ‘found love’, and basically indicates that if she hasn’t, it probably means she’s not committed enough to this fair and romantic process.
WHAT A DIRTY STREET PIE.
Sam’s all: “Yeah I have. But I can’t make it official yet.” And Bachie’s all: “Wha? What could possibly be stopping you from admitting that you will love my biceps for all of eternity? What will it take for you to invest in this love?”
And then Sam, bless her closet-bogan heart, is all: “AH… WHAT DO YOU THINK CHAMP? SEND YOUR OTHER FREAKING GIRLFRIENDS AWAY.”
#ClosetBoganSam4Bachelorette
Lindor Ball-less date over.
They begin the enormous hour-long drive back to Sydney. What an incredible 48-hour trip in the bush that definitely had nothing to do with cost-cutting.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Wait. Bachie has CANCELLED the cocktail party. He has to send one of his five girlfriends home and he is just too emotional, you guys. He needs to do some serious thinking while pacing in the garden. He is in a very serious glass case of emotion right now. His ‘thinking face’ is in overdrive.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME
Osher comes in to explain tonight’s very emotional maths:
“If we started off with 24 women, and each of those women walked to the Dirty Street Pie store at 4 miles per hour, and Sally gave Peter 11 locks of glorious Osher-certified hair, how many mechanical bull contests can we force the girls to participate in before Gushica’s forehead explodes in orgasmic wonder as Bachie touches his eye?”
One. One girl is going home tonight.
And that girl is Curly Hair #1, because Bachie couldn’t remember that her name was actually Zoe, so was unable to offer her a rose.
We are on the home-stretch now, you guys.
OH MY GLOB NEXT WEEK THERE IS A REUNION SHOW WITH ALL THE LOSERS. I think I just had a slow-blinking forehead orgasm.
Until then…
Like Rosie on Facebook right here. (Please. Her mum is worried.)
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.
Top Comments
Athena was born from Zeus' forehead, maybe this is Gushica's aim when she has slow-blinking forehead sex with Bachie.
#DoingGodsWork
You are hilarious. I would never be able to watch the program but cannot stop myself from reading your reviews. Please stop making me tempted to switch it on... Please