Mikhailla's baby was just 3 days old when doctors noticed something was terribly wrong.

Content warning: This post includes discussion of child loss that may be distressing to some readers.

When Mikhailla Fitzgerald was expecting her son Foxx, it was a "textbook perfect pregnancy". 

On March 26, 2017, Mikhailla and her husband Teddy welcomed Foxx into the world. The labour and vaginal birth had been relatively complication-free.

It was only hours after the birth that things weren't quite right.

Foxx had begun to cough up mucus and some blood. When he was eventually checked over by a paediatrician, it was confirmed that Foxx had Group B Strep - a bacterial infection. 

Group B Step is mostly harmless in everyone - unless it shows in the very moments of labour where a baby goes through the birth canal and is exposed to the transient bacteria. A week before she went into labour, Mikhailla had tested negative to the infection and so no antibiotics were given to her during labour. 

What came next was a blur for Mikhailla and Teddy. NICU visits. A diagnosis. Baby Foxx covered with wires and machines. The sound of beeps from the medical equipment.

After hours and hours of no sleep, emotional anguish and the lingering physical trauma of birth, Mikhailla and Teddy went home to try to get some solid sleep, with plans to return in the early morning.

They cried together and fell into a deep sleep, and not even their phones woke them as they rang. Then at 2am, police officers knocked on their door telling them to go immediately to NICU. Foxx had taken a turn for the worse. 

A Group B Step infection can lead to meningitis, pneumonia, or sepsis. 

Foxx was experiencing sepsis and seizures, and sadly, his condition wasn't survivable. He passed away at three days old on March 29.

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"It was a moment of pure pain," Mikhailla told Mamamia.

"I remember the nurse wanting to take a photo of myself, Teddy and Foxx together in that moment when his life support was switched off. Getting a photo like that is definitely not up my alley, even as an influencer online. But I truly appreciate that nurse's decision to this day, because I never would have captured a moment like that - and it perfectly shows all the emotion."

Having photos and momentoes like this image means the world to Mikhailla. If anything, she wishes she had more. 

Those first few months after losing Foxx, Mikhailla said she felt like a shell of a human. 

"I was lost - I didn't want to get pregnant again, I was thinking there was going to be no happy ending for me. It was a battle with my mind," she said.

It wasn't until Mikhailla had daughter Elle and son Cruz, that she began to see the joy in life again.

"When Elle was around 16 months old, that was when I was feeling better. Before that, I was still so scared that I was going to lose her or something would happen. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check on her. Only later did I realise this response was part of my trauma journey."

As well as seeing Elle and Cruz grow up happy and healthy, speaking with other mums who have lost their children has helped Mikhailla heal.

Watch: The journey through loss and grief. Post continues below.

Some people shied away from Mikhailla, perhaps uncomfortable with how to respond to her grief. But most rallied around, giving her the environment she needed to unpack her feelings.

That's something Mikhailla hopes for all people who have been through grief. And that's why she decided to write two children's books - My Sibling Above and Love From Above.

"I was originally writing the books for Elle and Cruz, but realised that it could be for more than just my family," Mikhailla said to Mamamia.

"When it comes to talking about loss, it shouldn't be a taboo topic. It's something we can educate and empower people with - everyone goes through grief."

Mikhailla found the writing process difficult, but quite cathartic too. It was the illustration process that made her emotional.

"Going through the illustrations with the illustrator was quite powerful and took over a year to do. I just needed to unpack that grief and process each page - it meant the world to me."

And Elle - now four and a half - and Cruz - two and a half - love the books too.

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As for what the future looks like for Mikhailla and her family, she feels hopeful now. And hope is a powerful thing.

"The biggest thing for us is just having that time with our children - showing them the world and reminding them of the little things that are so important. It's about chasing whatever makes your heart set on fire," Mikhailla said. 

It's been five years since Foxx passed and the grief will never go away. But Mikhailla now has a future she is looking forward to. 

"I want people to know that one day, you will smile again. And that smile will be real, you will feel happiness, and you will feel joy, and you can still live through the grief that you might carry and find a beautiful way to embody it throughout your life."

You can purchase Mikhailla's books My Sibling Above and Love From Above here .

If this has raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24-hour support line on 1300 072 637. 

You can download Never Forgotten: Stories of love, loss and healing after miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal death for free here.

Feature Image: Instagram @mikhailla. 

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