By REBECCA SPARROW
Oh Jennifer Garner, I love you.
Yesterday the actress went on Ellen to clear up those ‘baby bump’ rumours that have been hounding her for the past few months.
Here’s how it went down according to People:
“I get congratulated all the time by people I know. This one woman who had babysat for us said, ‘Oh, my gosh! I can’t wait for No. 4,’ and I thought, ‘What is going on?’ ” Garner said. “So I asked around and apparently I have a baby bump, and I’m here to tell you that I do!”
After much applause Garner pointed out that she wasn’t actually PREGNANT.
It’s called THE SHAPE OF A WOMAN’S STOMACH AFTER SHE’S HAD THREE KIDS.
“I am not pregnant, but I have had three kids and there is a bump,” said Garner, shooting down speculation that she and husband Ben Affleck were expecting baby No. 4 after paparazzi photos over the summer showed her with a bit of a rounded tummy.
“From now on, ladies, I will have a bump, and it will be my baby bump. It’s not going anywhere,” she said. “Its name is Violet, Sam and Sera.”
Take a look:
Jennifer, I hear you sister.
Last week I made the grave error of going to a yoga class. I don’t know why. I think I was drunk. Anyway, off I went with my yoga mat and my fine self ready to downward dog my way to better flexibility and a more Zen attitude.
But things didn’t go well.
Do you know why they didn’t go well? Because within 10 minutes of being in the yoga studio, a fellow yogee (?) who I don’t actually know came up to me, put her hand on my stomach and said, “So are you pregnant?”
Are you with me?
SHE PUT HER HAND ON MY STOMACH and asked if I was PREGNANT.
To which I said, “Nope. Nope not pregnant. I’m just fat.”
And then I left the yoga class and cried in my car and went home to make myself a t-shirt that says, “I’ve had four children in six years. BACK OFF.”
And can I just wonder aloud why she put her hand on my stomach? Do I in fact look so far along in my “pregnancy” that she suspected she could feel the baby move?
Oh Australia, Australia, I thought we’d had this conversation. I thought we’d had it many, many, many times.
For the love of Amal Alamuddin – you do not at any time ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless the woman has said something specific like, “Hey, I’m pregnant!” or YOU CAN SEE THE BABY CROWNING.
You with me?
Don’t we all know this already?
NEVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS PREGNANT.
Never ask because if a woman is actually trying to conceive (or CAN’T conceive) then being asked about it is an emotional horror story for her. And if she can conceive but ISN’T ACTUALLY PREGNANT — it’s an entirely different emotional horror story.
Trust me.
So zip it.
Back to me and Yoga Woman. Well the old vengeful me of course would have gone home, eaten an entire bucket of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream and sent this woman an email virus.
But the new me is more Zen. Fat (apparently) but Zen. Like Buddha.
After all, I know for a fact Yoga Woman feels worse about our conversation than I do. Plus we’ve all – at some point in our lives – shot our mouth off and said something stupid without thinking. So I’m choosing to be like Elsa and letting it go.
Like that third custard tart … Or not.
And you know what? The truth is I am carrying far too much fat around my stomach and I know that’s not a good thing since it’s linked to cardiovascular disease and type two diabetes amongst other things.
So it’s actually made me even more determined to shed a few extra pounds. Not to be thin just to shed those extra kilos.
But I’ll always have a bump and mine is called Ava, Georgie, Fin and Quincy. And the world? Well it can just deal with it.
Top Comments
I'm actually considering abdominoplasty because - wait for it - I have in fact now (FINALLY AND WITH INSANE EFFORT, MY GOD BUT IT'S BEEN HELL) lost 99% of my baby weight and imagine my horror when I realised that my poor, 3 x stretched by 10 and 11lb babies stomach is just... a slack flabby mess. The muscles are actually fairly strong underneath, but there is literally no exercise in the world that will get rid of the very strange and unsightly lumps and flab. So for many of us it's surgery or live with it as best you can! Anyone who asks is damn rude and impertinent. There is a lady at my son's school who I thought must be pregnant for a while, really big tummy, but I wasn't 100% sure so you know what? I never said a single word in respect of pregnancy until one day she said ''well of course I'll be on maternity leave in 2 months'' at which point I said 'wow, how wonderful, how are you feeling?'' I have been on the receiving end of ''when are you due'' (3 months ago, eff off thanks!) and it is nasty.
I lost my baby weight really easily when my Little Mister (now almost 3) was born. But it was when I started to get time to myself and two hands to eat with, that I started to reward myself with food - oops! I weigh about 7 kg more now & it mostly accumulates on my belly. People are constantly asking me when we're having another (apparently my son is obviously too old to be on his own and I've obviously missed some magical deadline that everyone else knew about), if we're trying and sometimes even subtly asking questions that make it clear they are hoping/thinking I already am pregnant again. It's getting a little annoying now! It's nobody's business when we decide to give our child a sibling and it's not nice to ask people those questions because what if they're having trouble conceiving or have even just lost a pregnancy? You never know! I can tell you now that if I was trying I wouldn't tell a soul, because no-one needs every woman and their dog counting your monthly cycles along with you and watching your belly and all your eating/drinking habits like a hawk! Back off, sisters! I've become really self conscious before I catch up with certain people now, because I think they'll start getting excited for my non existent pregnancy upon seeing me wearing that tightish top. How about we all just keep it to ourselves?? x