Oh.
Somehow, we find ourselves at the ARIAs red carpet full of hopes and dreams.
You see, we have a bucket list. We’ve come up with nine fun goals to complete and we are excited.
Then, slowly, our spirits are crushed.
We were given very specific instructions that the carpet was to begin at 2pm, so we wait. And we wait. And we wait.
After half an hour - or an eternity - we cannot know for sure, fancy people in gowns and suits and bright green fedoras begin to walk past us.
We do not know any of them but we smile anyway.
After at least a handful of snubs from alleged celebrities, the cast of School of Rock (a.k.a a group of small children) come over to talk to us.
Okay. This is good. We can do this. Children aren't intimidating.
We immediately ask them the most important question of all: What is a Tik Tok and what does it... do?
They respond by doin' a little dance and yes, we're still very much confused.
WATCH: Arias artists sing their favourite Australian songs. Post continues after video.
Next, a man who we believe to be Father Bob Maguire, stops us and asks: "Girls, where is the end? I don't know if I'll make it to 86."
And we're sorry sir, but we just don't have those answers.
BUT WAIT.
Halsey is here.
She scurries past with approximately 12 people carrying her dress and then... she's gone. It's a missed bucket list opportunity and we're devastated.
Then it's the moment we've all been waiting for.
The woman of the night, Tones and I, is here and we've got one very important question for her.
You see, ever since 'Dance Monkey' exploded onto the airwaves, we've been a little confused. We just don't... get it. WHO IS THE 'I' IN TONES AND I AND WHERE ARE THEY?
Pause.
She's coming.
She's wearing the brightest neon green trench coat we've ever seen and excuse us, how does a 19-year-old have an entire entourage and... where can we get one?
NO. SHE SNUBBED US. SHE SNUBBED ALL OF US. PLEASE WE JUST NEED TO KNOW WHO 'I' IS
We see Murray from The Wiggles coming and nothing else matters.
We have some very important questions we prepared earlier, and we ask him what they do in the ad breaks during the awards ceremony.
"That's usually when everyone tops their drinks up," he says.
Mamamia’s daily entertainment podcast, The Spill, discuss everything that went down at the ARIAs. Post continues below.
"There were a couple of years when they didn’t have drinks, but there was a bit of an outcry. Then they count down to the next bit and everyone has to try and look animated again."
It's... just not as exciting as we were expecting.
We decide it's time to tick an item off our bucket list. It's time for a finger gun selfie with an actual Wiggle.
We momentarily forget how to do finger guns and it's very embarrassing for us.
After Murray leaves, things quickly turn dire.
You see, as the night carries on, we soon realise a... problem.
We're tragically uncool and we don't know who anyone is.
Especially not this alleged American boy band, who were definitely just One Direction wearing sunglasses.
And then we see them.
The one and only reason we're here. Our safe space. Former reality TV stars.
Thank goodness.
We usher over Michael and Martha from Married At First Sight and we instantly know that we're finally going to get exactly what we came here for. The goss.
We ask them what they thought about Jules and Cam's wedding and it's... unsurprising.
"What the eff was the dance routine?" Martha says, before forcing Michael to imitate the ~interpretive dance~.
Yep, somehow she knows the choreography... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Each to their own, I guess everyone’s always looking to make a buck."
We ask them if they plan on having an extravagant televised wedding as well and somehow it turns into a mini argument about the size of the couple's future wedding guest list. Oh.
Then Martha admits that they had to do some research before attending the red carpet because she doesn't know anyone and honestly, same.
We farewell our new friends and we're back in the deep end again.
We keep an eye out for familiar faces and finally, we see someone we recognise. It's Jess and Matt from X Factor 2015.
They tell us about how everyone gets sh*t faced during the ad breaks before acting sober for the cameras and goodness, this was the behind the scenes gossip we were waiting for.
That's when something weird happens.
Among the crowd, we spot some familiar faces. It's Jules and Cam from Married At First Sight.
We very quickly wrap up our chat with Jess and Matt and smile at the newlyweds because a) we need all the wedding gossip and b) we desperately need to know if they're going on The Block.
They stop. They smile. They look us up and down. And then... they turn away.
WHAT.
JUST.
HAPPENED.
We just saw the shining light of reality TV love and THEY BRUTALLY SNUBBED US.
We're devastated to the point that we consider packing up but then... we see him.
It's Agro. THE PUPPET.
He's a very sleepy boy so we don't dare disturb him.
We simply can't decide if he's cute or deeply terrifying.
Suddenly, it's five minutes before show time and as expected, the most famous people of the night start to arrive.
There's Dua Lipa. Guy Sebastian. Bob Irwin with a box of snakes. Khalid. Jessica Mauboy.
And... they don't have time for any of us.
We have so much free time that we end up taking a photo of some former Channel V presenters.
You're welcome.
And then it happens.
She's here.
It's fkn Tones and I.
WE YELL WHO IS 'I' AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW.
Oh, and perhaps this is actually just Matt Okine.
Then suddenly, it is all over. There is nobody left on the carpet except cameramen and a women who looks... lost.
We peer down at our bucket list and weep.
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