'Just 12 annoying things my kids do that I'm not supposed to talk about.'

I've decided to come up with a list of things our kids do that annoy us. The things we think but don't say, because there's this big stigma around parenting and God forbid we feel anything but love and joy!

So here is a list I'm sure we can all relate to. Make sure you tag your mummy friends!

Watch: Things mums never hear. Post continues below.

1. Scouting our food.

You fix the kids a snack and after a long day of eating the kids' leftovers you make yourself one too. 

All of a sudden the seagulls swoop in, looking at your food like they haven't eaten for days and say things like, "hey mum, is that your snack?", "that looks good mum", and hover until you give in and share - something which they're incapable of doing.

2. Cockblocking.

Even in the dead of the night, somehow they manage to cockblock you. "But mummy we're not tired, we wanna play." Yes but so do mummy and daddy! We like to have fun too, you know!

3. "HEY WATCH ME!"

11am Covid press conference starts and still they have something more important to divert your attention. You look and the little buggers spin and stand on their head with a leg kicked in the air.

You fake smile and clap like you actually enjoyed that performance (meanwhile mummy does this after four glasses of wine so try and compete with me, I dare ya!)

4. "MUUUUUUUM."

What's with the whining? Just say 'mum' and be done with it. You don't need to exaggerate. I'll make you a bloody drink. Mummy will make herself one too! Look, now mummy has patience - yay!

5. Bedtime stalling.

This too falls under the category of cockblocking. You don't need 10 waters and the meaning of life right now. Just go the f*ck to sleep!

6. Pointing out your flaws.

I am comfortable with my body until my kids point out I haven't had a bikini wax for three months and my boobs hang. "Mummy, do you have a baby in your belly?" 

"No darling, mummy's metabolism goes at the speed of a turtle ever since she gave birth to you."

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A post shared by Jessica Hood (@houseofhoods_) on Aug 14, 2020 at 11:24pm PDT

Thanks for being direct and to the point. If only you could do that when you wanted my snacks.

7. Mummy's on the phone.

Ok listen, you have the whole day to fight with your brothers and sisters and you choose now to do so while I'm on the phone to Telstra? Also my bed is not a trampoline please stop doing flips on it.

8. Not flushing the f*cking toilet.

Why is it every time I go to use the toilet there's a floater in there, usually without toilet paper?

Not only did they not wipe their ass but they had the nerve to not flush the toilet and stink the whole house out. And here I was blaming your father for his bodily functions. 

Also wee wee's go in the toilet, why are the seat and floor covered in wee?

9. Stories that never end.

I love to hear your stories darling but why is it still going after 20 minutes? Weren't you talking about your favourite TV show? What do poo, wee and bum-bums have to do with this? How did we get here? Are you testing to see if I'm listening? When will this story end?

10. THE MISSING SHOE.

How? HOW is there always one shoe missing? I saw you take them off together so where the f*ck is the other one?

And why are you only telling me this now while we are trying to get out the DOOOR!

(Later on the missing shoe is found in the oven, and you give the same lecture until the next time.)

11. Darling wipe your nose.

I didn't realise my t-shirt was a tissue, please continue wiping your germs on me. Mummy is immune to illness apparently, and even when we are sick, this goes unnoticed.

12. Being adorable.

Why! You do all these things but still I can't get enough of you! I look forward to time alone and when I get it I miss you like crazy! Teach me your ways!

This post originally appeared on the Instagram House of Hoods and has been republished with full permission. For more from Jessica, follow her here.