A lot changes when your twosome becomes a threesome…
My husband and I were among the first of our friends to take the leap into the unknown that is parenting. We had absolutely no idea what we were doing and how it would impact our relationship; how it would stretch and creek and groan when this new little person entered our world.
Magazines, acquaintances, family and well meaning strangers offer the same, stale, empty advice for new parents: communicate, accept help, and don’t forget date night. DATE NIGHTS ARE SO IMPORTANT. Helpful. Or not really.
And so, to those, about to embark on this journey, planning to in the future or currently lost in nappies and sleepless nights, this is what I’d say:
- Check in on one another often. Carve out precious pockets of time to stop and talk and reflect.
- Stay interested in each another. Curious. Talk about your childhood, how you think it’s shaping you as a parent. It will surprise you just how much this matters, how much you’ll think about your own upbringing and your own mum and dad. Keep growing together both as parents and as people. As a team.
- Know that the crushing exhaustion will pass. That tiredness is not a competition. That your exhaustion levels will go up and down and turn you inside out into a version of yourself you temporarily won’t recognise. Learn to identify the signs of fatigue in one another.
- Never underestimate the power of being seen. Of vulnerability being recognised before it needs to be voiced. Of just knowing, because you know, when the other needs space to breathe.
- Find simple ways to show kindness. The immeasurable pleasure of a take away coffee after a restless, endless night. An offer to disappear with the baby while sleep is snatched. An unexpected, hand scrawled note of gratitude, just because. Small, sweet, kindnesses are the glue that will keep you connected.
Hold on to the unique dance of your relationship, the tiny, steely forces that brought you together and bound you to one another. Date nights are lovely and opportunities away from parenting can be invigorating, but they can also be rare, short and an anticlimax after all the effort involved in making them happen.
It’s those stolen moments in the kitchen when you’re cooking together, or sitting in the shock of a silent house with twin glasses of wine. It’s the lazy afternoon sex during nap time on weekends. The flirting. The nights you choose sex over sleep, knowing you’ll regret it when your eyes are scratchy and your head is a fog the next morning. But doing it anyway.
It’s those moments. Those actions. Those intentions, that will help keep your love strong and fighting and thriving when two becomes three.
And beyond.
What advice would you give new parents about their relationship?
