'My ex-partner was abusive to our son. Then he convinced a judge I was the problem.'

Warning: This story mentions domestic violence. 

If you leave me, you’ll never see your children again. 

This phrase, and similar versions of it, are frequently used by abusive men whose partners have decided to leave them.

It’s what Sarah’s* husband, John* said to her, when she finally decided to put an end to a relationship defined by coercive control.

If she wasn’t going to be with him, he would take her child away, he said. She knew he meant it, so she tried to reconcile, but the abuse continued, and the couple ultimately separated. 

Watch: 6 Signs Of People Who Have Been Abused. Post continues after the video. 

At just six years old, Sarah’s son didn’t want to spend time with the man who abused his mother; the man, he says, abused him too.

But when Sarah’s son disclosed the abuse, John told the court his son had been brainwashed by Sarah. That his former wife was engaging in Parental Alienation, a term used to describe a parent who deliberately turns a child against their other parent. 

"The family report writer believed everything he said and claimed I coercively controlled him with zero evidence," says Sarah. 

"I showed the court formal evidence of the abuse I suffered but none of it meant anything. His word was above everything. The judge dismissed everything I said, spoke down to me, and blamed me for incidents that had nothing to do with me."

Ultimately, Sarah was ordered to force her son to spend time with his father, despite the child’s claims of abuse. 

"Nothing I provided made any difference to the outcome. Ultimately, the court ordered my little boy to start overnight time. He is distraught but my story is not unique. The court is taking children from mothers in droves and giving them to abusive men."

Sarah says she’s spent her life savings on legal fees, losing her home in the process. She believes the system is letting children down, sending mothers into poverty and allowing abusive men to maintain power and control, even after separation. In many cases, they achieve this by referencing the pseudoscientific concept of parental alienation. 

Parental alienation - is there such a thing?

The term Parental Alienation or Parental Alienation Syndrome was coined by part-time child psychiatrist, Richard Gardner, in 1985. While the concept has been successfully used to deflect the court’s attention from child abuse claims against fathers, it was never formally recognised by medical groups.

"The term was developed as a label for an alleged behaviour where a parent would turn a child against the other parent during or post separation, and withholding children to disrupt the parent/child relationship," explains Leneen Forde Chair in Child and Family Research, Professor Silke Meyer. 

Allegations were primarily made against mothers, even though most adult victim-survivors are supportive of contact between their ex-partner and the children, as long as the father can demonstrate that he is a safe and secure carer. In many cases, years of abuse has already impacted the father/child relationship, and the child's desire to have contact. 

In the wider context, the original label of 'parental alienation syndrome' has been debunked, and in some jurisdictions even banned from being used in family law matters because of its misleading nature.

However, Professor Meyer says it seems to be making a comeback, creeping its way back into community discussions, perpetrator language and allegations, and to some extent practitioner language and misconceptions. 

Using DARVO to manipulate the court system. 

In lieu of parental alienation, DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender) is often used by skilled offenders to manipulate the family court. Abusive men may make false allegations against the non-offending parent (primarily mothers) to create an image of themselves as the victim. Allegations to discredit the non-offending parent may include attacks on her personality and mental fitness. 

"A common tactic is to make the non-offending parent out to be crazy or irrational by highlighting what are normal responses to adverse events," says Professor Meyer.  

"For example, victim-survivors of DFV are at an increased risk of developing PTSD, depression and anxiety, which can interfere with daily functioning. A skilled perpetrator may use these responses to traumatic events and frame them as mental illnesses to frame her as an unsuitable carer for mutual children."

While the term Parental Alienation has been largely debunked, perpetrators have found alternative strategies to achieve the same result. 

"An example is when abusive men claim that the non-offending parent is coercively controlling by alienating the children when she is limiting his contact with mutual children to reduce the children's ongoing experiences of the parental abuse," says Professor Meyer. 

"When these matters enter the Family Court sphere, the same mothers that were initially told they need to be more protective are then told they are being obstructive and depriving the abusive parent of a meaningful relationship with the children."

According to Professor Meyer, despite increased education and awareness, there are still many service providers and practitioners that believe domestic and family violence ends with separation. 

"However, we have a growing body of research evidence that clearly shows that DFV doesn't necessarily end with separation, in many cases the tactics just shift and control is re-established via other means, including legal system abuse, withholding of child support payments and other forms of coercive control that don't require being in close proximity to the victim-survivor."

Using the family courts to continue abuse.

As well as claims of parental alienation, DARVO, and personal attacks, domestic abuse perpetrators also use the court system to financially ruin victim-survivors, which can further impact custody of children. 

"Perpetrators may unnecessarily drag out legal proceedings to prolong opportunities for intimidation and control," Professor Meyer says. 

"Several financially independent women in our coercive control study described how the perpetrator threatened that he would financially ruin her if she dared to leave him. And these women described financial ruin through endless litigation and exorbitant legal fees. 

"Other women described fighting a legal battle to protect their children only to run out of emotional and financial resources and then having to settle for unsafe parenting arrangements."

While it may be perpetrators who misuse the system to exercise ongoing control over victim-survivors, Professor Meyer says it is the system that allows this to happen. 

Should abusive men have access to children?

According to Professor Meyer, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. 

"My experience of doing research in the men's behaviour change space for years is that some men can change and many men want to be better fathers. And the reality is, not all children wish to cease contact with an abusive parent. But they want the abuse to stop."

While Professor Meyer says contact shouldn’t be ruled out, fathers who use physical or non-physical violence should be compelled to engage in evidence-based behaviour change, and be able to demonstrate that change has taken place before they're permitted to spend time with children. 

"And we should listen to children's voices. Children who have been harmed by DFV need to be given an opportunity to recover. That recovery is often not possible where there's ongoing contact with the abusive parent who does not engage in behaviour change."

Protecting - and believing - women and children. 

The latest National Community Attitudes Survey suggests we have a long way to go, with significant proportions of the community reporting a lack of trust in women's allegations of sexual and domestic violence. 

"False allegations are the exception, not the norm. And some research shows that where false allegations do occur, these are more likely to be made by a non-custodial parent, which are predominantly fathers."

Social media also plays a significant role in perpetrating misinformation. 

"We currently have a large body of misinformation coming through social media and it's strategically targeted at boys and young men. I think community education around DFV, respectful relationships and stereotypical gender beliefs is a key element in changing community attitudes around women, mothers and DFV."

*Names have been changed for legal and safety reasons. 

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here.

Feature image: Getty.