Group Therapy: “I know he’s abusive – I just don’t know how to stop him”

M* writes…..

“I have been with my partner for five years and we are very much in love and have a beautifully supportive and healthy relationship, with one big obstacle.

My partner’s older brother, who is 27, (let’s call him Greg) has a long history of emotionally abusing the women he has been involved with in a very secretive way.  The situation has come to a head though as his latest relationship, which is six months old, is particularly explosive.

The reason I know so much is that my partner and his siblings all still live at home (they are all uni students) and us girlfriends tend to spend a lot of time in their family home (which is an issue in itself, believe me.) I recently moved away for work and spend my weekends at my partner’s house, and over the last few months it is becoming increasingly apparent that the relationship between Greg  and his partner is volatile, dangerous, and if it has not become violent already, it is on the brink of becoming violent.

I heard some TERRIBLE things go on between them recently and it seems Greg has finally, after a string of girlfriends, found a lovely attractive, much younger girl who he can criticize, call worthless, ridicule about her weight and threaten with violence- and she stays.

I am in a terrible state of turmoil about this because as someone who grew up with volatile parents I have worked extremely hard to remove myself from abusive situations and I find it very triggering to be around them, not to mention that I feel personally unsafe around Greg.

My problem has two elements.

One, I am desperate to help Greg’s girlfriend who is obviously so demoralized and I am terrified of what he is going to do to her if they stay together. I can see all the hallmarks of abuse; he has gradually cut her off from her friends, is possessive, won’t let her do her own thing etc.

My partner’s family knows this abuse is going on to a certain extent and refuse to acknowledge it or intervene. I have spoken about it at length with my partner and he has made it clear that he does not want to talk about, think about it, or deal with it. How can I help in this situation? It goes against everything I believe in to stand by and do nothing.

The other side is, even if I do manage to help Greg’s current partner, the problem will not be solved. There will simply be a new girlfriend who will be put through the same pattern and the same thing will keep playing out forever, and as we get older it will simply get worse, because nothing is being done to change his pattern of behavior.

My questions for the Mamamia community are these: How do I stay with my partner, who I love, and keep my sanity around Greg, who I cannot stand, not intervene when I see something is wrong and accept my partner’s choice to turn a blind eye to Greg’s behavior? What happens when my partner and I get married and have kids and I refuse to have anything to do with Greg and his (future) family?

Also, one last piece of info-  many years ago Greg was my first boyfriend and I managed to see what was going on and get out of there while I could.”

Image by MelanieAnne