"I got hundreds of messages." The Bachelor’s Abbie on her worst moments of public shaming.

“In the last 18 hours, I’ve had no death threats.”

For The Bachelor finalist Abbie Chatfield this is now what a good day looks like, being able to peek at her social media profiles without strangers threatening to end her life. All because they were not happy with a few scenes on a TV show.

While the reality series was airing, the online shaming around Abbie’s on-screen actions mounted, with viewers of the show posting vicious comments about everything from her bikini, to her cocktail party dresses, to how she kissed Matt at a beach during one of their dates and even found fault with how she reacted when he said his “heart belongs with someone else.”

The Bachelor’s Abbie talks about the darkest moments of her public shaming on Mamamia’s daily podcast The Spill. 

After the show’s finale, in which Bachelor Matt Agnew chose Chelsie McLeod, the online slut-shaming and abuse reached such a manic level that Abbie penned a lengthy Instagram post on the issue which included the words “this is something I did not expect in 2019. Sex is essential to a successful relationship for me, as is sexual chemistry and the ability to express that comfortably with my partner.”

Speaking on Mamamia’s daily entertainment podcast The Spill, the 24-year-old Brisbane woman said she felt compelled to push back against the negative comments because the negative words were beginning to drown her out.

“In The Bachelor house, I felt I had been slut-shamed and then it all came out in the media,” she said on The Spill. “Since writing the post I have had a lot of people just comment to me ‘slut’ which really just proves what I am saying is right.

“I don’t blame the editing on the show at all, because it showed an honest part of dating. That is me being horny and wanting to sleep with a guy who I was seeing for a while. 

“I was having a really hard time while the show was airing, with all the negative comments directed to me. Honestly, it got to the point the weekend before the finale aired where I didn’t leave the bed. I was having suicidal thoughts, that was the level I was at.”

 

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Things I got slut shamed for on #thebachelorau: this bikini, my skort at hometowns, multiple cocktail party gowns, kissing matt ‘without a date’ and at a cocktail party (out of sight of anyone), pashing Matt in various locations with varying degrees of intensity, honestly admitting that I wanted to have sex with a man I was dating for 10 weeks and all around just “using sexuality to manipulate Matt”. This is something I did not expect in 2019. Sex is essential to a successful relationship for me, as is sexual chemistry and the ability to express that comfortably with my partner. I saw commentary around my sexuality (rightly) calling out slut shaming and double standards regarding my pash sessions with Matt, with responses of “I’m not slut shaming her she is just manipulative/dumb/aggressive/only wanting sex”. To insinuate that any relationship is less valid because of a strong physical connection is counterintuitive – the defining factor between a platonic and romantic relationship is physcial expressions of affection. I saw many comments about me having “nothing between my ears” or that I was “so insecure she can’t talk to him so they just kiss”. The public see ten minutes of a twelve hour date, it is insulting to both myself and Matt to assume he took me right until the end purely for a snog. I’d like those who think that I was manipulative to TRULY examine why you believe that. On most occasions, it comes down to a core belief that a woman who is “seducing” a man has ulterior motives, while a man doing the same is merely being romantic. If it isn’t that, it is based off the opinion voiced of other contestants on the show, not my actions. I was always honest, authentic and expressive which can sometimes rub people the wrong way. It’s okay to not like me – it is not okay to assume that I am less of a person or less worthy of love because I like to have sex and can talk freely and openly about it. Also MY LOVE LANGUAGES ARE PHYSICAL TOUCH AND QUALITY TIME LEAVE ME ALONE PLS

A post shared by ABBIE CHATFIELD (@abbiechatfield) on Sep 24, 2019 at 12:31am PDT

While Matt Agnew has offered some defence when it comes to the backlash against Abbie during his post-finale interview rounds, Abbie still thinks the real crux of the issue has not been fully addressed.

“His responses have been fair,” Abbie said on The Spill. ” But I think he should maybe, not take the blame, but he should say ‘look, I was doing the same thing and I don’t see why it is an issue for Abbie’ rather than just saying ‘don’t bully her’. It should be focused on the root of the issue, not just the reaction of the public.

“People have been saying things like ‘Matt does not even like her’ and ‘he’s just kissing her because she’s kissing him, it’s sad how desperate she is’. But as far as I am aware, all the words he said to me were true, the feelings were reciprocated.

“Moving forward I do want to focus on conversations particularly on cyber bullying,” she said. “Because at the end of the day when you are getting 20o direct messages telling you to kill yourself, you feel like your entire world is negative.

“It makes you scared to go outside, I didn’t want to go out for a drink in a bar until last weekend when the show was done airing. I would like to get the message out there just to be nicer to each other.”

If you, or a young person you know, is struggling with symptoms of mental illness please contact your local headspace centre here or chat to them online, here. If you are over the age of 25 and suffering from symptoms of mental illness please contact your local GP for a Mental Health Assessment Plan or call Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14. Kid’s Helpline is also available on 1800 551 800.