Science of Us published a fascinating interview today with a heterosexual man who is 58 years old, and still a virgin.
One could be forgiven for assuming, thanks to popular culture and movies with ‘loveable nerds’ like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, that the interview would be a slightly downcast but mostly entertaining read about someone who has never quite managed to close the deal.
In reality though, what this man has to say about loneliness, intimacy and his background is gut-wrenchingly sad.
Coming from a childhood of abuse, and spending a lifetime thinking he is ugly and unlovable, this 58-year-old man from California was brutally honest with Science of Us about what it’s like to have never been physically intimate with someone.
On how far he’s gone/what he’s actually done sexually with a woman:
“Nothing whatsoever, with anybody. I gave a girl a kiss on the lips when I was a kid, but it wasn’t a make-out or anything.”
On why he thinks he’s still a virgin:
“When people ask me why I’m a virgin, I tell them I suffer from terminal ugliness. I have an eye that doesn’t line up with the other one. I’d probably look better if I wore a pirate patch.”
“I was a rail-thin nerd; I’d stuff cardboard in my shoes to make myself taller and my left eye is messed up. I was afraid to sleep when my father was around, so I was always exhausted. One time I fell asleep sitting up and smashed my eye on a knob on the bedpost. It severed a nerve that closed my pupil. The pain was so extreme I couldn’t face the sun even with my eyes closed because it hurt so much. I had to walk around with my head tilted.”
On his abusive upbringing:
“My father was very abusive. He was always telling me I was useless and would never amount to anything. Once I was in my grandfather’s plane at 12,000 feet and my dad was yelling such terrible things that I tried to open the door and jump out.”
“I have a much older brother and there was a baby boy who passed away before I was born. He was crying, as infants do, and my dad made mom take the crib outside in the rain and leave him there until he stopped. My dad refused to take him to the hospital and he was dead by the time the ambulance arrived.”
On whether he has sexual fantasies:
“Sometimes I would imagine myself having sex or holding a cute person I knew. But I don’t masturbate much these days because it just causes misery and suffering. Also, I think I’ve got to the point where I no longer have much of a libido. My sex drive is just about gone.”
On masturbating when he was younger and whether he has ever had an orgasm:
“Every second or third day. Sometimes I would go a week or a week and a half. I never had any problems reaching an orgasm.”
On relationships with women:
“I’ve only ever been on one date and I have never been in a relationship.”
On why he has never just gone to a prostitute:
“In the past, I thought about it, but I told myself, what’s going to happen if I pay for sex and just have it once? It will just be worse because I’ll know what it’s like and then I’ll want more, like having a taste of a fine steak and then learning you will only get to eat hard beans and drink water for the rest of your life.”
On if he thinks he’s afraid of having sex:
“I think so. I worry if I will be able to bring pleasure to my mate? Will I be a complete drag? I’m scared of getting rejected afterwards and also just not knowing what to do. I might not measure up to her expectations. I think there must be some sort of learning curve involved in it before it becomes fun. Any activity requires practice before you are really going to enjoy it.”
On what he thinks has really stopped him from losing his virginity:
“I think it’s the fear of knowing people don’t find me attractive… But really, the biggest problem is that I’m so shy around the opposite sex. Women are attracted to confident guys and I am not confident. I end up friend-zoned. It infuriates me when I see some stunning gal who I would treat like a queen and she’s in a relationship with some knuckle-dragging jackass. I always get told, “Oh, you’re so sweet.” Well, sweet doesn’t cut it.”
And finally, when asked by Science of Us what the hardest part about being a 58-year-old virgin is, he gave a heart-wrenching answer:
“Laying alone at night, falling asleep and then getting up in the morning and remembering you’re alone. It’s like waking up to the same nightmare every single day.”
Top Comments
slightly off topic, but i really dislike those pictures of feet in bed..the one with the 2 in the middle and 2 on the outside that are used in articles about sex really irk me... eww
Oh 'boo hoo', seriously this not an issue! Fall in love, not fall in love, have intimacy in your life or not- there are plenty of very functional, together people who have taken a different road in life and they are fine. It's this shocking expectation that there is one playbook for life and God forbid you skip a few pages, chapters it throw the whole thing out and write your own story. This is what hurts people and makes them feel inadequat. This is what ties young people up in knots because their lives are different from their peers, so they dwell on these differences and neglect other parts of their lives.
Well it's obviously an issue for him, and in my opinion it's easy to see why. I would also be upset if I had never experienced physical intimacy with another person, and I'm over 20 years younger than him! Over time, I can imagine the compounding of his feelings and worsening shyness/lack of confidence that would occur. It sounds as though he could benefit from counselling to get past some of his hangups and lack of confidence, but we don't know his situation and whether that's even possible. If he's so lacking in confidence, he may have always had a crappy job - and in the US, that means barely surviving, let alone money for regular counselling. It's easy to sit and judge someone else and say "what's your problem, other people can get over what you've been through" but really only that person knows if that's possible and many people need a bit of help to do that, help which is not always available to everyone.