5 Reasons why he doesn't want to have sex

Three years ago if British bad boy Robbie Williams had invited you up to his hotel room for a wink-wink-nudge-nudge coffee, it’s entirely possible you would’ve found yourself in his penthouse suite secretly tweeting your friend (clearly)  and then having, err, coffee. The only item being ripped off would most likely have been the seal on the jar of Moccona.

Turns out the 37-year-old  rock’n’roll lothario has the natural libido of a 100-year-old man (his words, not mine). In the current issue of the UK’s Esquire magazine Robbie openly discusses his low libido and admits to taking testosterone injections to improve his sex drive and combat his extreme lethargy.

(You can read about that interview here)

The fact is Robbie Williams is far from alone.  Some researchers believe that up to 25% of men suffer from a lack of interest in sex. And given the reluctance of men to report the problem it could well be higher. So what does that mean? It means that last night thousands of Australian men faked sleep, deliberately stayed up watching telly or simply did a Napoleon (“Not tonight, Josephine”)  to their amorous partners.

According to Sydney Men’s Health physician Dr Michael Lowy a low sex drive can be caused by a number of factors. They include:

1. Ageing. It’s a natural cause of decline in testosterone, so a reduced sex drive is a natural phenomenon as a man ages.

2. Some medical conditions where testosterone is not properly produced, such as Klinefelter’s Syndrome. While men with prostate cancer may be given anti-androgen medication as part of the treatment which stops testosterone production.

3. Any chronic health condition has the potential to reduce sex drive. An example is obstructive sleep apnoea.

4. Psychological reasons. Anxiety, stress and depression, particularly when ongoing, may impact directly on sex drive, as well as result in lower levels of testosterone. Men who have unhappy relationships may present with a loss of desire to engage in sexual activity with their partner.

The fifth reason? Dr Lowy is keen to point out that different sex drives also need to be taken into account.

“Some men are highly sexed and some middle of the road and some men have a low sex drive, not a medical condition but just the way they are.”

So if your partner is more excited by your lasagne than your lingerie the good news is  (a) it doesn’t necessarily mean you should be reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” and (b) you clearly make a cracking lasagne. Go you. Can I have the recipe?

Of course knowing what’s causing your partner’s lack of interest in fertilizing the flowerbed (so to speak) doesn’t make the rejection any easier to take.  Pop culture perpetuates the stereotype that all men behave like Benny Hill in the bedroom (hillbilly music optional). Women, meanwhile, are the ones meant to be feigning headaches and swatting away wandering hands.  When the tables are turned, feelings of rejection can turn to embarrassment, anger, fear, resentment and that lasagne being thrown at someone’s head.

Sexologist Elaine George from Sexology Australia says that the most common sexual issue couples or singles present with is  the challenge of low libidos – and often it is the man, not the woman who has the lower desire. George says if women try to address the situation by using controlling or manipulative behaviour, the problem often gets worse.

“Blame achieves nothing,” says George. “Women need to realise that this is not about them, even though their self esteem and self worth tends to plummet.  They can take steps to encourage both of them (herself and her partner) to see someone to address some of the underlying issues that are contributing to the differences in desire. What’s important to know is that the problem is almost always fixable.”

Do you and your partner have matching libidos?  Have you ever been turned down by your partner?  What desperate steps have you taken to get your partner in the mood? And what have you and your partner done to address “lack of interest” in the bedroom?