The 13 simple tricks to staying married.

13 habits to adopt to become one of those irritatingly happy married couples, no matter how long you’ve been together.

I’m often asked, “What makes a relationship healthy?” And all I can answer is that, the majority of the time, it is not about romantic dinners, hand-made cards and mind-blowing sex (although, look, none of those things hurt!)

When it comes to the long-haul, it’s about doing things for each other ever day that make each other feel valued. And those things need to become habits that in turn become second nature. I took a look back at the things I’ve done (and had done to me) to present you with the 13 habits of healthy couples.

1. You give without the expectation of getting anything in return.

You give out of compassion, empathy, and mutual respect. In an unhealthy relationship, giving is used as a tool to get something in return. Avoid the quid pro quo mentality by giving from a place of presence and abundance, not just so he’ll assemble your shelves from Ikea.

2. You love your partner for who he is, not for his potential.

In a healthy relationship, you love your partner for who he is at that moment. You work to learn more about him, his hopes and his dreams. In an unhealthy relationship, you work to change your partner to be what you want or you love him for the person he could one day become.

3. Your relationship is a safe space.

4. You fight to fix instead of fighting to win.

A fight is not a sign of the apocalypse, it can be a tool to build understanding. Communicating your needs lovingly, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and finding resolutions are powerful tools to build intimacy, connection, and trust. In a healthy relationship, a fight means there is real effort on both sides to see the other person’s point of view, understand each other's feelings, and work toward an equitable resolution. In an unhealthy relationship, a fight is a power play and an opportunity for payback.

5. You use sex to connect, not to fill a void.

As someone who tried to find happiness externally, I was never truly aware of why I craved affection. I've since learned that it's vital to know when you want affection and why you want it. Don’t believe having good sex will address underlying issues or make you feel validated. That needs to be worked out with a therapist or coach, not in the bedroom.

We choose where we want to place our attention. And as the saying goes, where attention goes, energy flows. In every situation you have two options: (1) You can nitpick and use that as an excuse to damage the relationship, or (2) You can choose to appreciate what's good about your significant other.

What are the things that make you love and appreciate your partner? Take a trip down memory lane and remember the funny jokes, nights out, and adventures. This isn’t to say you should deny reality, but it’s a tool to help you work on the relationship from a place of love rather than fear.

Ultimately, if you look for what he does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he does right, you can find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

7. You see things in the present rather than generalising patterns.

In a healthy relationship, each person avoids making grandiose statements like “You always...” or “You never...” One instance of doing something that you don’t like doesn’t define your partner or his behaviour throughout the relationship. It’s easy for us to want to lump things into patterns, but when you’ve put an issue to rest, mass generalisations open up old wounds. Treat each instance as a unique event unless you’re sure you want to end it.

8. You take responsibility for your growth rather than using the relationship as an excuse to avoid growth.

In a healthy relationship, you take space to pursue a life outside your partner. After all, he signed on for a partner, not a groupie. In an unhealthy relationship, you define yourself through that union, losing touch with your authentic self. Relationships are spiritual assignments, helping us to evolve into who we're meant to be. When the relationship gets in the way of that, it’s time to re-evaluate your situation.

9. You communicate what you want instead of what you don't want.

10. You apologise because you care, not to make a problem go away.

You don’t get points for saying “I’m sorry” abruptly or for playing the martyr. An apology isn’t about making a fight go away, it’s about overcoming an issue as a team. In a healthy relationship, you choose to be happy rather than right. Often that requires a sincere apology. To do that, don’t end an apology with a qualification (“I’m sorry, but…”). Instead, take responsibility (“I’m sorry because I…”)

I once dated a guy who felt that saying “I love you” often would cheapen its meaning. He preferred to save it for special occasions. A healthy relationship is based on a pattern of positive expression, creating intimacy, and connection. Each party acknowledges and recognises the other daily. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it does have to be sincere, for example, “You are a wonderful friend.” In a healthy relationship, love is expressed with words, acts, and gestures.

12. You spend time together.

Quality time together connects both people. It doesn’t have to be formal. For many, intimacy is built through conscious connection. For example, reading the newspaper at the same time, exercising together, or sharing your morning routine. It’s about quality time, not the amount of time. Someone can be great on paper, but without those little moments each day, his resume doesn’t mean much.

13. You don't take all his choices personally.

I once argued with a boyfriend over his lifestyle decisions, believing that he needed to address his love of burgers, pizza, and cigarettes in order for us to be a happy couple. As much as I liked to rationalise my arguments, the truth is that he is the one who had to deal with the consequences, not me. Things are only your problem when you make them your problem. And while it’s your decision to accept his life choices and decide whether or not you can live with them, it’s important to remember not to take them personally.

While there are many tools to spot an unhealthy relationship, it comes down to connecting with yourself. Are you being yourself in this relationship? Are you making choices you're happy with? At the end of the day, a healthy love should leave you feeling energised, whereas an unhealthy love leaves you feeling drained and disconnected.

The choice is yours.

This article was first published here and published with full permission by Amita. 

What do you do to keep your relationship healthy?